Been Here All Along by Sandy Hall

doing,” my mom says.
    They dismiss me after that, probably to talk about me further without me around. But I have to admit that I do feel a little lighter now that things are out in the open. Maybe everything is about to get a little bit easier.

 
    twelve
    Gideon
    Playing with fire in chem class on a Friday afternoon should never be this boring. I’m not entirely sure why Mrs. Arnold even bothered bringing out the Bunsen burners. There was one thing that needed to be heated up. She could have done it herself and consolidated the flames.
    And fine, maybe I’m a little bit scared of fire, but only because my classmates are all obviously morons. I don’t know why I decided to take AP Chemistry at the same time as AP Physics. I could have cut way down on my chances of being burned alive. But I just can’t help myself. I’m an overachiever.
    I spend most of the period sitting alone at the lab table, because my partner is absent. I focus all my energy on thinking about Kyle. It’s really helping to distract me from worrying about the school catching on fire.
    I still can’t stop thinking about my birthday, which feels like a million years ago even though it was just last weekend. And then I go back to Ruby. And Kyle’s face when he was in my room yesterday. And then I finish the circle by going back to thinking about my birthday.
    What if Kyle likes me, too? He was making almost as much intense eye contact as I was. And it’s not like he’s homophobic. I don’t think that makes sense, to be bisexual and homophobic, but I guess anything is possible.
    Furthermore, he’s the one who said at the beginning of the marathon that Elijah Wood was cute and then later told me that I remind him of Elijah Wood. If that’s not a pickup line, then I have no idea what a pickup line is.
    On the other hand, why would he use a pickup line on me?
    I have completely lost control over my life. The only thing I can control anymore is the low flame on my Bunsen burner.
    I know I need to do something. I need to stop acting like Ruby has some big control over my life, when I know that she doesn’t. If I come out to Kyle and tell him I like him, then Ruby has no power over me.
    Why does she want power over my life anyway? It’s not like I have so much going on. She should concentrate on her own life.
    I close my eyes for the briefest of seconds and tell myself that I just need a sign. That something will happen that will set all this in motion. And if I don’t get a sign before June, I will definitely tell him over the summer. Or when he gets home from basketball camp. Or definitely before school starts next fall.
    Maybe when Ruby leaves for college would be a good time.
    Yes. Barring an act of God, I will wait until Ruby is safely installed at college before telling Kyle that I am gay, and in very deep like with him. This news will keep until then.
    I happen to open my eyes at the very moment that this girl in my class, Bonnie, passes her lab papers improperly over the flames, and they get singed. She’s too dumb to realize they’re not actually on fire, so she drops them directly on the burner. Had she simply just thrown them to the side, everything would be fine.
    Bonnie’s screaming her head off and Mrs. Arnold is running for the classroom emergency gas shutoff and I’m just sitting here stunned, considering that not three minutes ago I was thinking about this very scenario. Perhaps if I’ve really ruined my life, I can move into a new career as a psychic. I’m already living a fraudulent existence by not coming out of the closet; I could continue the pattern and take people’s money in exchange for bogus fortunes.
    Mike Maxwell puts the fire out by beating it with Bonnie’s backpack, and Bonnie just continues to sit there screaming her head off.
    â€œI saw my whole life flash before my eyes!” she wails. “It was so boring!”
    Her friend