Bad Austen by Peter Archer

Take a deep breath and all will be well.”
    “Hello, your Royal Highness. How good of you to come. But I do believe I have already signed your copy of
Emma
, your Royal Highness.”
    “Yes, yes, you are quite right, but this is my copy of
Sense and Sensibility
. And look.” He opened his book. “No signature!”
    “You are quite right, your Royal Highness. I shall sign it at once,” Jane answered, smiling with clenched teeth, trying not to divulge the revulsion she felt when looking at him.
    An unpleasant thought flashed in Cassandra’s head, a scene where she is delivering coffee to Jane, who now lives in the Tower of London. Cassandra casually squeezed Jane’s leg to remind her sister to control herself.
    Jane took a deep breath, looking toward her sister and then to the Prince Regent.
    “Do you have any specific requests, your Royal Highness, in regards to the inscription to be written in this book?” Jane put a wry smile on. “I have no other novels to dedicate to you, I fear, so this will have to suffice today.”
    “Miss Austen, you may decide what to write. After all, you are the writer.”
    Jane pondered for a moment what to write. Maybe she would pick up her quill one last time and write what she really thought of the blundering fool. Jane collected her thoughts, took a deep breath, and began writing.
    To His Royal Highness, The Prince Regent, I am humbled by your continual attentions to my works and wish to tell you that if there are any other books you would like me to sign, you are welcome to send a servant, there is no need for HRH to take such risks with his health
.
Your obedient servant, Jane Austen
.
    The Prince picked up his book, read the entry, then looked at Miss Austen, wondering why on earth she would not want him to continue attending her book signings. The Prince bowed, still unsure what to make of the comment written in his book, and took his leave.
    Cassandra and Jane burst into laughter when he exited the store.
    “Oh Jane, you do taunt that man so dreadfully!”
    Jane smiled, then signaled to the next person in line that she was ready.
    “Hello, Miss Austen, I have just finished reading a book for the first time. It was your
Sense and Sensibility
. It was hard to understand since you wrote it in, like, a strange type of language. Luckily, I found out that all your books have been made into movies, so I put them on my Netflix queue.”
    “Oh, I see. Pray tell what is your name?”
    “Lindsay, with an A. The press is always writing my name with an E and it drives me crazy.”
    “Then you are someone of fame. May I ask what is your surname?”
    “Lohan, Lindsay Lohan. I have had a lot of extra time on my hands recently, so I decided to try and read a book for a change.”
    Jane smiled, took her pen, and wrote.
    Lindsay—Thank you for reading S&S, how nice it is that my book found its way into your nicotine-stained hands. I do hope that you have actually paid for this book. I encourage you to read another book while you are incarcerated; it shall help make the time go by much more quickly while living in a cell. With all the sincerity I can feel for you
,
Jane Austen
.
    “Yes, who’s next?”
    D ID Y OU K NOW?
    The year 1811, when Austen started writing
Mansfield Park
, was the year that George, Prince of Wales, was appointed prince-regent. His father, King George III, was insane and therefore incompetent to rule. The prince-regent threw himself an enormously expensive and lavish party to celebrate, which the nation certainly could not afford but which was right in keeping with the general behavior of the decadent, fashionable, and immoral princes. Vice and scandal tainted the royal household, with adultery and gambling just some of the popular activities among its members.
    Whether or not Austen subtly worked her opinion of the prince-regent into
Mansfield Park
, she stated it flatly in a letter in response to the public battles of the regent and his wife, in which the prince