nothing made sense. And he was confused. Sitting here feeling like he wanted something, needed something, and he couldn’t figure it out. It had been so many years since he’d wanted anything. “Why aren’t you letting me?”
“Maybe we both need to change.”
“Oh no, this is your therapy, not mine,” he said.
“So, you’re allowed to sweep into my life and make changes, but I’m not allowed to change you at all?”
“I don’t need to change.” I can’t change.
“We can all change. We all have those choices. We aren’t bound to them. I don’t think you understand how important that realization has been to my life. It’s what I’ve been working through for the past year. And everything that kind of came to a head last month.”
“Why last month?”
“Because I thought I might kiss you. Only then you didn’t seem to realize I wanted to kiss you. And then I saw that woman at your house, and I know you didn’t sleep with her, but I thought you did. And that hurt. I realized I had no right to be hurt by it. I never… I never asked for more from you. I was too afraid to ask for more. Even though I wanted it. I realized that you didn’t feel the same. But it was what made me realize that I needed to go out and make changes for myself.”
“You wanted more from me?”
“Yes.” She looked down at her hands. “I trust you. You’ve always been safe. And I wanted very much to keep you in that safe place. So for a long time I didn’t let myself feel the attraction that was always there, just beneath my skin. I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it. Then I realized that all of the unhappiness I was dealing with. The feelings of being stagnant… They were my fault. I spent a long time being angry at my mother. I spent a long time using her mistakes to justify my fear. I think… I think in my efforts to avoid becoming like her, I actually ended up just like her.”
“Except not in a relationship with an abusive douche.”
“Yeah. But, I blamed love for that. Until this very moment I blamed love for that.” She frowned. “It isn’t love. It was never love. It was fear. And that’s something I do have in common with her. She was afraid to leave. She was afraid to change things. Either because she was afraid of what he would do, or because she was afraid of things being different. Maybe she thought the status quo was better than the unknown. All I know is I’ve let fear drive my life too. And I can’t. Not anymore.”
“And what brought on this particular revelation?”
“Watching you do the same thing.”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Yes you are. You’re afraid to want things. Afraid to try. You hold on so tightly to everyone else, to all of their choices, because it makes you feel like you’re in control. It gives you something to pour that energy into since you won’t do it for your own self.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion on my life, Mel.”
“Too bad. I’m in the mood to psychoanalyze. I figured I would get you and me in one fell swoop, since this is all about you and me.”
“No, this is about giving you normal romance.”
“There is nothing normal about a romantic picnic in a barn with your best friend that you’re sleeping with that ends in shouting and confiscated garlic bread,” she shouted.
“Well, the garlic bread confiscation and the yelling are your fault.”
“Or they’re your fault. Because you can’t deal with your shit. If you could, nothing that I’m saying would bother you.” She looked at him, defiantly. And this, in a nutshell, was why he didn’t usually sleep with women who knew him. She could see too deeply inside him. Was hitting far too close to the truth, and he didn’t like it.
He pushed the food cartons to the side, wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed her back so she was lying down on the blanket. “I think this was a bad idea. The talking. The romance. I think we need to get back to what was
“Maybe we both need to change.”
“Oh no, this is your therapy, not mine,” he said.
“So, you’re allowed to sweep into my life and make changes, but I’m not allowed to change you at all?”
“I don’t need to change.” I can’t change.
“We can all change. We all have those choices. We aren’t bound to them. I don’t think you understand how important that realization has been to my life. It’s what I’ve been working through for the past year. And everything that kind of came to a head last month.”
“Why last month?”
“Because I thought I might kiss you. Only then you didn’t seem to realize I wanted to kiss you. And then I saw that woman at your house, and I know you didn’t sleep with her, but I thought you did. And that hurt. I realized I had no right to be hurt by it. I never… I never asked for more from you. I was too afraid to ask for more. Even though I wanted it. I realized that you didn’t feel the same. But it was what made me realize that I needed to go out and make changes for myself.”
“You wanted more from me?”
“Yes.” She looked down at her hands. “I trust you. You’ve always been safe. And I wanted very much to keep you in that safe place. So for a long time I didn’t let myself feel the attraction that was always there, just beneath my skin. I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it. Then I realized that all of the unhappiness I was dealing with. The feelings of being stagnant… They were my fault. I spent a long time being angry at my mother. I spent a long time using her mistakes to justify my fear. I think… I think in my efforts to avoid becoming like her, I actually ended up just like her.”
“Except not in a relationship with an abusive douche.”
“Yeah. But, I blamed love for that. Until this very moment I blamed love for that.” She frowned. “It isn’t love. It was never love. It was fear. And that’s something I do have in common with her. She was afraid to leave. She was afraid to change things. Either because she was afraid of what he would do, or because she was afraid of things being different. Maybe she thought the status quo was better than the unknown. All I know is I’ve let fear drive my life too. And I can’t. Not anymore.”
“And what brought on this particular revelation?”
“Watching you do the same thing.”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Yes you are. You’re afraid to want things. Afraid to try. You hold on so tightly to everyone else, to all of their choices, because it makes you feel like you’re in control. It gives you something to pour that energy into since you won’t do it for your own self.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion on my life, Mel.”
“Too bad. I’m in the mood to psychoanalyze. I figured I would get you and me in one fell swoop, since this is all about you and me.”
“No, this is about giving you normal romance.”
“There is nothing normal about a romantic picnic in a barn with your best friend that you’re sleeping with that ends in shouting and confiscated garlic bread,” she shouted.
“Well, the garlic bread confiscation and the yelling are your fault.”
“Or they’re your fault. Because you can’t deal with your shit. If you could, nothing that I’m saying would bother you.” She looked at him, defiantly. And this, in a nutshell, was why he didn’t usually sleep with women who knew him. She could see too deeply inside him. Was hitting far too close to the truth, and he didn’t like it.
He pushed the food cartons to the side, wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed her back so she was lying down on the blanket. “I think this was a bad idea. The talking. The romance. I think we need to get back to what was
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