ladies of reunions and acknowledge achievements. I did have to create all sorts ofcreative stories for why I needed your current address. Hopefully you’ve only had five address changes because that’s all I’ve seen.
Tess, I hope to write you another thirty letters.
Oh Tess,
I am broken.
My beautiful precious Maggie, the only woman I have ever loved, was killed by a drunk driver in a horrific auto accident on a stormy night in February.
The accident never should have happened. My Maggie should still be with us. I’m to blame and overwhelmed by the guilt that consumes me. I was supposed to go to dinner that night with Maggie for the autism non-profit she helps support. Then at the last minute I called and told her to go ahead without me because my business meeting was running late. Maggie had to drive alone because I chose fucking business over her.
Maggie and I had a custom over many years where we’d always end our phone conversations with, “I love you.” On that tragic night, intent on trying to get a few million more for Utonica, even those words “I love you” escaped me. My last words ever to Maggie werea cold, self-centered, “I’ve got to go.” My selfishness beats down on me with relentless sadness since Maggie always believed there was so much more to life than money and business and would always gently remind me that there is no end to the word “more.”
Seeking help from the horrific pain, I’ve been in grief counseling and therapy, both alone and with Caroline and Ben. It didn’t help me at first and during my darkest hour I reached for the devil, my unwanted friend—alcohol. After a month in a drunken stupor, Caroline and my parents, God bless them, intervened. After pleading with me for two hours they luckily talked some sense into me and got me to start going back to meetings and into therapy. It’s a battle everyday but I haven’t had a drink since their intervention.
It has been terribly difficult for both Caroline and Ben; Caroline because she understands the senseless nature of what happened and Ben because he can’t grasp what happened. Caroline has lost her Mother and her best friend. Ben lost his Mother and the person closest to him who he could always count on. I can’t forgive myself for leaving my children without their Mother. That will never change.
I have many weaknesses, one of which is the inability to forgive myself. Maggie offered me forgiveness when I couldn’t forgive myself. Her faith in me was greater than my faith in myself. She was so pure, so wise and so full of unconditional love. She was my moral compass. When I would want to spend outrageous amounts of money on things we didn’t need she would always suggest, “Don’tyou think we can do better things with the money?” She lived for others and I will do my best to make sure her legacy is carried forward.
I now face many decisions. The first, of course, is Ben. He’s ready to move on with the next stage of his life but what that means still has to be decided. I so miss Maggie’s input and am lucky to have Caroline’s help in exploring all possible options. Caroline’s uncertainty is of a very different nature. She’ll be finishing law school shortly and can write her own ticket job wise. I’d love to see her move back to the west coast for selfish reasons and be closer to Ben and me. As always, she’ll make the best decision possible.
I’m not sure if I even want to stay in this area? We’ll probably sell Utonica soon for an obscene amount of money but I’ve lost my passion to start another company or find the next big technology. Ironically, I face the same personal decision that I am trying to decide for Ben. What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?
No matter whom I’m with, or what I do, I feel alone. Today, all I know for sure is that whatever I do will not be money driven and I will never end a conversation with either of my children with any words other than, “I love
Tess, I hope to write you another thirty letters.
Oh Tess,
I am broken.
My beautiful precious Maggie, the only woman I have ever loved, was killed by a drunk driver in a horrific auto accident on a stormy night in February.
The accident never should have happened. My Maggie should still be with us. I’m to blame and overwhelmed by the guilt that consumes me. I was supposed to go to dinner that night with Maggie for the autism non-profit she helps support. Then at the last minute I called and told her to go ahead without me because my business meeting was running late. Maggie had to drive alone because I chose fucking business over her.
Maggie and I had a custom over many years where we’d always end our phone conversations with, “I love you.” On that tragic night, intent on trying to get a few million more for Utonica, even those words “I love you” escaped me. My last words ever to Maggie werea cold, self-centered, “I’ve got to go.” My selfishness beats down on me with relentless sadness since Maggie always believed there was so much more to life than money and business and would always gently remind me that there is no end to the word “more.”
Seeking help from the horrific pain, I’ve been in grief counseling and therapy, both alone and with Caroline and Ben. It didn’t help me at first and during my darkest hour I reached for the devil, my unwanted friend—alcohol. After a month in a drunken stupor, Caroline and my parents, God bless them, intervened. After pleading with me for two hours they luckily talked some sense into me and got me to start going back to meetings and into therapy. It’s a battle everyday but I haven’t had a drink since their intervention.
It has been terribly difficult for both Caroline and Ben; Caroline because she understands the senseless nature of what happened and Ben because he can’t grasp what happened. Caroline has lost her Mother and her best friend. Ben lost his Mother and the person closest to him who he could always count on. I can’t forgive myself for leaving my children without their Mother. That will never change.
I have many weaknesses, one of which is the inability to forgive myself. Maggie offered me forgiveness when I couldn’t forgive myself. Her faith in me was greater than my faith in myself. She was so pure, so wise and so full of unconditional love. She was my moral compass. When I would want to spend outrageous amounts of money on things we didn’t need she would always suggest, “Don’tyou think we can do better things with the money?” She lived for others and I will do my best to make sure her legacy is carried forward.
I now face many decisions. The first, of course, is Ben. He’s ready to move on with the next stage of his life but what that means still has to be decided. I so miss Maggie’s input and am lucky to have Caroline’s help in exploring all possible options. Caroline’s uncertainty is of a very different nature. She’ll be finishing law school shortly and can write her own ticket job wise. I’d love to see her move back to the west coast for selfish reasons and be closer to Ben and me. As always, she’ll make the best decision possible.
I’m not sure if I even want to stay in this area? We’ll probably sell Utonica soon for an obscene amount of money but I’ve lost my passion to start another company or find the next big technology. Ironically, I face the same personal decision that I am trying to decide for Ben. What are we going to do for the rest of our lives?
No matter whom I’m with, or what I do, I feel alone. Today, all I know for sure is that whatever I do will not be money driven and I will never end a conversation with either of my children with any words other than, “I love
Similar Books
