to the frightened child in him.
His dry chuckle had a coarse edge. “Okay, sure. I suppose we’re stuck here,” he said without inflection. “No need to rush to act.”
Stuck again. Reacting to that awful word, she said, “There are worse things than taking a day off to play with children, you know.”
“I know.” His shoulders slumped heavily.
Now she really did feel sorry, but he walked away before the apologetic hand she reached out could touch him.
* * *
It was a sleepless night and not just because he had to walk Androu twice. Theo’s mind wouldn’t stop so he was grateful to have a reason to pace. The boy’s warm weight on his arm was oddly comforting as he patted his little back to soothe him.
Jaya had to show him how, of course, demonstrating on Zephyr. “He might be with me, but it’s still a strange place,” she whispered in explanation of the boy’s restlessness. She settled him with expert swiftness and disappeared into her room.
He dragged his eyes off the way her hotel-issued robe draped the curve of her hips and showcased her slender calves. No man in her life and whose fault was that? His. He’d taken a chance with unprotected sex because he’d been anxious to lose himself and his problems in an orgasm.
Which wasn’t entirely true. As he stared across the twinkling lights of Marseille to the dark expanse of the Med, he allowed that Jaya had never been like the other women he pursued. She was special. His need that night had been as much about a desire to be with her as it had been to escape his emotional turmoil. Her announcement she was leaving Bali had lit a torch of panic in him. He’d needed, quite literally, to hold onto her.
Maybe some primitive part of him had even been seeking the permanent connection of a blood tie. As much as he’d like to dismiss his failing to protect her as a state of crisis and thoughtlessness, he’d never neglected a condom in his life. He always thought ahead to consequences. Fear of a beating had predisposed him to it.
So he couldn’t pretend he’d simply been carried away. He’d made a conscious decision to take a risk.
Creating a child without due care and attention seemed like the kind of enormous mistake he ought to be punished severely for. His body was reacting with the same tense anticipation of hell he’d grown up trying to ignore. The clogged chest, clogged throat and anxiety ought to be far behind him, but he could hardly breathe. Sleep had never been a safe escape. Voices could rise in the next room, furniture could topple. Babies could wake and nightmares became real.
The troubling memories kept him tossing and turning even after Androu settled. Then Evie woke like a five alarm fire, jarring him and making his heart pound.
No male voice shouted, though. No impossible demands were made of children barely old enough to reach a toaster. Jaya worked her magic and scooped up the sad little girl, murmuring reassurances.
Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Listen for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore,
His dry chuckle had a coarse edge. “Okay, sure. I suppose we’re stuck here,” he said without inflection. “No need to rush to act.”
Stuck again. Reacting to that awful word, she said, “There are worse things than taking a day off to play with children, you know.”
“I know.” His shoulders slumped heavily.
Now she really did feel sorry, but he walked away before the apologetic hand she reached out could touch him.
* * *
It was a sleepless night and not just because he had to walk Androu twice. Theo’s mind wouldn’t stop so he was grateful to have a reason to pace. The boy’s warm weight on his arm was oddly comforting as he patted his little back to soothe him.
Jaya had to show him how, of course, demonstrating on Zephyr. “He might be with me, but it’s still a strange place,” she whispered in explanation of the boy’s restlessness. She settled him with expert swiftness and disappeared into her room.
He dragged his eyes off the way her hotel-issued robe draped the curve of her hips and showcased her slender calves. No man in her life and whose fault was that? His. He’d taken a chance with unprotected sex because he’d been anxious to lose himself and his problems in an orgasm.
Which wasn’t entirely true. As he stared across the twinkling lights of Marseille to the dark expanse of the Med, he allowed that Jaya had never been like the other women he pursued. She was special. His need that night had been as much about a desire to be with her as it had been to escape his emotional turmoil. Her announcement she was leaving Bali had lit a torch of panic in him. He’d needed, quite literally, to hold onto her.
Maybe some primitive part of him had even been seeking the permanent connection of a blood tie. As much as he’d like to dismiss his failing to protect her as a state of crisis and thoughtlessness, he’d never neglected a condom in his life. He always thought ahead to consequences. Fear of a beating had predisposed him to it.
So he couldn’t pretend he’d simply been carried away. He’d made a conscious decision to take a risk.
Creating a child without due care and attention seemed like the kind of enormous mistake he ought to be punished severely for. His body was reacting with the same tense anticipation of hell he’d grown up trying to ignore. The clogged chest, clogged throat and anxiety ought to be far behind him, but he could hardly breathe. Sleep had never been a safe escape. Voices could rise in the next room, furniture could topple. Babies could wake and nightmares became real.
The troubling memories kept him tossing and turning even after Androu settled. Then Evie woke like a five alarm fire, jarring him and making his heart pound.
No male voice shouted, though. No impossible demands were made of children barely old enough to reach a toaster. Jaya worked her magic and scooped up the sad little girl, murmuring reassurances.
Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Listen for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore,
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