America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky by Walter Knight

than a good ass-chewing and some
remedial training. However, all the guards were replaced. The new
guards rarely talked to me. They fed me yummy goo food in a tube.
After about a month, I made a noose out of my shirt and pretended
to try to hang myself. That got their attention. They took all my
clothes from me. Not my best move, but it seemed like a good idea
at the time. I thought about throwing feces through the door
window, but thought that might be considered an assault and a
violation of my agreement. So, I just sat and waited. Finally a new
spider visited me, an elderly, scholarly looking spider wearing eye
glasses and lugging a brief case. He set up a table at my opened
door, set some papers out on the table, and asked me how I was
doing.
    “ I’m not good,” I answered.
“You look like a lawyer.”
    “ Correct, but not just any
lawyer. I am your lawyer. Introductions are in order. I am your defense
attorney, and Officer of the Court #2,” he added.
    “ So now they’ve gotten
around to providing me a free public defender?” I asked. “It’s
about time. Can you get me some clothes? It gets cold in here at
night.”
    “ Free? Absolutely not,
Lieutenant Czerinski. Nothing is free. Especially here. Appointed?
Most certainly. I tried to get out of this appointment, but it was
my turn. The mere sight of you makes my shell shiver,” said #2.
“The war crimes you are accused of and undoubtedly are guilty of
make you a creature without any possibility of
redemption.”
    “ I’m not feeling the love
here,” I responded. “So, if your services aren’t free, who is
picking up the tab?”
    “ The ruby I found in your
property made a nice retainer. The substantial credits you acquired
gambling with your guards will pay for most of my services at the
criminal trial. I will work on a percentage basis when it comes to
the civil part of the trial. I expect we will easily win our
lawsuit for excessive use of force against a prisoner. Of course
you probably won’t live to spend any court awarded credits when you
are sentenced to death on charges of murder, genocide, terrorism,
abuse of prisoners, custodial assault, looting, crimes against
decency and civilization – eating the families of Habitat #40 –
theft, and custodial gambling. The upside is, I will still be able
to recoup substantial fees for services, time, and percentage,”
said #2 gleefully.
    “ I want another attorney,
preferably a human attorney.”
    “ Sorry, you are stuck with
me. Humans aren’t allowed to go where we are going. The sooner you
get used to that fact, the sooner we can work together on your
defense,” said #2. “Through the court-mandated discovery process, I
have reviewed all of the computer downloads, messages, and data on
your identification card. I also reviewed all helmet camera and
audio recordings that the prosecution will be using against you.
The evidence seems overwhelming. I suggest an insanity defense.
Your attempted suicide seems to support a diagnosis of mental
instability, although video camera recordings indicate you still
know the difference between right and wrong. What do you have to
say for yourself?”
    “ I plead ignorance. This is
all just a big misunderstanding. I couldn’t tell the difference
between military and civilian spiders, young and old spiders, and
fighting and surrendering spiders because of the differences in our
species’ appearances, language, and culture. And I am not crazy,” I
insisted. “I just pretended to attempt suicide to get someone’s
attention. I need my clothes back or I will go crazy.”
    “ You are making a
presentable defense most difficult. How can I support an insanity
defense if you say you were faking your suicide attempt?” #2 asked.
“And I’m sorry, but murder, genocide, and refusing to take
prisoners cannot be explained away because of cultural
differences.”
    “ That is my argument,” I
insisted.
    “ In that case, you will be
transported to our home