All My Fault: The True Story of a Sadistic Father and a Little Girl Left Destroyed by Audrey Delaney

giggles and whispers, ‘My mate fancies you’, he came over and asked me to dance. His name was Billy and we clicked straight away.
    After the party, a gang of us went back to Billy ’s house where myself and Billy cosied up together on the sofa, surrounded by all the other newly formed couples, who were kissing and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears.
    Billy told me he was 17 years old. He had left school early like me but he had landed on his feet with a good job in a printers. He had a lovely sensitive side to him that came to light the more I talked to him.
    I went into work the next day walking on air. I was dying to hear from him. A few days went by with no word and I was climbing the walls but then he turned up in Burgerland one day with a mate of his. I remember overhearing his friend saying, ‘She’s lovely man!’ I was especially pleased ’cause I was wearing the not-so-flattering Burgerland uniform, complete with a red cap and hair net.
    Myself and Billy were practically inseparable from that day on. I was besotted. That Christmas, he bought me a silver Claddagh ring but I’d only had it a few days when I lost it somewhere in my bedroom. I’m not very religious but the ring meant so much to me that I got down on both knees and said a prayer to my namesake saint. My full name is Audrey Jude Delaney and Saint Jude is the patron saint of hopeless cases. I have to laugh sometimes at how apt my naming was. I prayed until I had carpet burns on my two knees from all the kneeling. But it worked. The ring turned up in the most unlikely of places and I found my faith in God being gradually restored.
    Over the next few weeks, Billy and I ran up ferocious phone bills between us. We just couldn’t bear to be apart so the minute we separated and returned to our own homes, we’d be on the phone to one another. I would go down to the phone box across from the shop in my estate and he would ring it at a pre-arranged time.
    I’d go down in the lashing rain or gale-force winds just to talk to him, even if we’d already spent the last few days living in each other’s pocket. There were no mobile phones back then. I lived two bus journeys away from Billy but whenever I visited him, either his brother or his da always insisted on giving me a lift home. He had a lovely family and they all treated me like I was one of their own.
    *
     
    Drugs were becoming a big problem for me around the time Billy and I got together. I never told him about it but I took whatever I could whenever I could. I was taking hash, acid and uppers and downers in the form of pills. I also took other tablets that I think were Valium but I never knew for sure. All these pills were cheap; kids as young as 14 sold them for pocket money. I took anything offered to me really; half of the pills could have just been antibiotics for all I knew. I just took whatever was going and hoped for a high.
    One night though, I was in a right bitch of a mood because I had nothing to take. I had been spending so much time with Billy that I had lost contact with the people who usually hooked me up. So that night myself and Billy went to see a band in this club in Dublin. I felt all grown-up because the last time I’d been in the club had been seven years earlier for a roller-disco night. The band sang the song ‘My Girl’ that night and this became mine and Billy ’s song from then on. After the band, Billy wanted to go to his friend’s 16 th birthday party. It was taking place in a shed at the back of the guy’s house where music could be blared as loud as they wanted. But a half an hour into the party I got all stroppy when I realised that no one had any alcohol.
    ‘Jesus, is this it? It’s like a kid’s disco,’ I said to Billy .
    ‘It’s just getting started. It’ll probably warm up in a few minutes.’
    ‘But sure no one has brought drink or anything. How can you get a buzz going? This is boring.’
    I didn’t say what I was really