All My Fault: The True Story of a Sadistic Father and a Little Girl Left Destroyed by Audrey Delaney Page A
Authors: Audrey Delaney
Tags: Child Abuse
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thinking, ‘Where are the bleedin’ drugs?’
Looking back, I’m mortified by how I acted but I think I just panicked at the thought of having to meet all these new people completely sober. I’d have no choice but to be me. And the problem was that I didn’t like me.
‘ Billy , can we leave? I don’t know anyone and the girls are looking me up and down and making me feel uncomfortable.’
‘C’mon, lets go so.’
So we left and headed to a nearby pub. I downed several vodkas one after another until the room was spinning but at least my thoughts weren’t going at 90 miles an hour anymore.
*
The following April, after Billy and I had been together for four months, the inevitable conversation about sex came up. I knew I definitely loved him by now. He was a massive part of my life and I was sure that he felt the same about me. I was always staying over in his house, sleeping in his sister’s room. But every so often we’d get the house all to ourselves and we’d climb into his bed and kiss and cuddle.
Billy treated me like an angel. He was the only guy I’d ever been with who made me feel special. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me and he always put me first. The only thing that confused me was how come he didn’t see the dirt in me.
Fear stopped us going all the way for the first couple of months. I was 16 and a half and I was mad about Billy but I found it all very confusing. My biggest fear was that he’d be able to tell that something had gone on before him. But lust won out in the end and we arranged to do it down by the Phoenix Park one day. It was all very mechanical. There was no such thing as foreplay; Billy kissed me for a few seconds before putting on a condom. We knew nothing about STDs but we were definitely scared of pregnancy. He came quickly. Afterwards, as we were getting dressed, Billy turned to me and said, ‘I thought you were supposed to bleed the first time.’
My face turned scarlet. Billy was a gentle soul and he wasn’t saying this in an accusing way, he just seemed confused.
I panicked and within days I’d finished with him. I just couldn’t handle the sexual side of the relationship. I hated lying to him and I was so bad at it that I was convinced he believed he wasn’t my first. The sex reminded me of my da too and I worried that now that we had done it once, I’d have to do it all the time. The only way to stop the bad memories coming flooding back was to finish with Billy . So I pulled the plug on my relationship with the loveliest bloke I had ever met. I was heartbroken but I desperately needed to feel in control again.
After we broke up, I started hanging around with my old friends on the north side of Dublin again. I got more and more heavily into drugs. I started dating unsavoury types, simply because they liked the same thing as me—drugs. We smoked hash, popped pills and drank and drank. I still had a bit of a head on my shoulders but being out of it meant you didn’t have to think, feel or answer awkward questions. I had become very adept at blocking out the abuse, even to the point where I was able to have sexual relationships without thinking of my da. When I was 17, I got engaged to a guy who Da didn’t approve of. This made it all the more interesting, but it wasn’t to last. It was just another way of rebelling as far as I was concerned.
I didn’t carry the emotions of the past with these sexual experiences, because at this stage I had almost forgotten my past. I didn’t remember anymore; I had pushed it out of my head. I still had the emptiness, the pain, and the mental torture that I couldn’t explain. But drinking and taking drugs solved that one for me. They allowed me to function for a while.
*
I decided to leave Burgerland when I was still 16. After listening to all the students there going on about their studies, I realised they had a future and I didn’t. I loved working there and part of me hated leaving but I knew I had
Looking back, I’m mortified by how I acted but I think I just panicked at the thought of having to meet all these new people completely sober. I’d have no choice but to be me. And the problem was that I didn’t like me.
‘ Billy , can we leave? I don’t know anyone and the girls are looking me up and down and making me feel uncomfortable.’
‘C’mon, lets go so.’
So we left and headed to a nearby pub. I downed several vodkas one after another until the room was spinning but at least my thoughts weren’t going at 90 miles an hour anymore.
*
The following April, after Billy and I had been together for four months, the inevitable conversation about sex came up. I knew I definitely loved him by now. He was a massive part of my life and I was sure that he felt the same about me. I was always staying over in his house, sleeping in his sister’s room. But every so often we’d get the house all to ourselves and we’d climb into his bed and kiss and cuddle.
Billy treated me like an angel. He was the only guy I’d ever been with who made me feel special. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me and he always put me first. The only thing that confused me was how come he didn’t see the dirt in me.
Fear stopped us going all the way for the first couple of months. I was 16 and a half and I was mad about Billy but I found it all very confusing. My biggest fear was that he’d be able to tell that something had gone on before him. But lust won out in the end and we arranged to do it down by the Phoenix Park one day. It was all very mechanical. There was no such thing as foreplay; Billy kissed me for a few seconds before putting on a condom. We knew nothing about STDs but we were definitely scared of pregnancy. He came quickly. Afterwards, as we were getting dressed, Billy turned to me and said, ‘I thought you were supposed to bleed the first time.’
My face turned scarlet. Billy was a gentle soul and he wasn’t saying this in an accusing way, he just seemed confused.
I panicked and within days I’d finished with him. I just couldn’t handle the sexual side of the relationship. I hated lying to him and I was so bad at it that I was convinced he believed he wasn’t my first. The sex reminded me of my da too and I worried that now that we had done it once, I’d have to do it all the time. The only way to stop the bad memories coming flooding back was to finish with Billy . So I pulled the plug on my relationship with the loveliest bloke I had ever met. I was heartbroken but I desperately needed to feel in control again.
After we broke up, I started hanging around with my old friends on the north side of Dublin again. I got more and more heavily into drugs. I started dating unsavoury types, simply because they liked the same thing as me—drugs. We smoked hash, popped pills and drank and drank. I still had a bit of a head on my shoulders but being out of it meant you didn’t have to think, feel or answer awkward questions. I had become very adept at blocking out the abuse, even to the point where I was able to have sexual relationships without thinking of my da. When I was 17, I got engaged to a guy who Da didn’t approve of. This made it all the more interesting, but it wasn’t to last. It was just another way of rebelling as far as I was concerned.
I didn’t carry the emotions of the past with these sexual experiences, because at this stage I had almost forgotten my past. I didn’t remember anymore; I had pushed it out of my head. I still had the emptiness, the pain, and the mental torture that I couldn’t explain. But drinking and taking drugs solved that one for me. They allowed me to function for a while.
*
I decided to leave Burgerland when I was still 16. After listening to all the students there going on about their studies, I realised they had a future and I didn’t. I loved working there and part of me hated leaving but I knew I had
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