all that stillness , coalesced into the memory of him. Aaron was there, except it wasn’t him at all. No booming laugh jolted my heart back to beating; no strong arms soothed away the chill. It was me and a cat and nothing else at all.
I wound up in the bedroom, one of Aaron’s old cardigans wrapped around me. The sleeves were too long, the buttons hanging by threads, but I buried myself in it. Only the slightest hint of Aaron’s scent remained and I struggled to capture it, to remember what it felt like to be surrounded by him, vivid, alive, brilliant.
Winston at my feet, the faded sweater engulfing me, I sat in my empty room without him.
I’d slept with Brady. Maybe that was forgivable. Maybe that was what I was supposed to be doing. Moving on , Tracy kept calling it.
I just hadn’t expected to like it so much. To feel so much.
So I sat, missing the scent of Aaron, catching traces of Brady’s cologne on my shirt.
Tears running down my face, I sat.
Someone other than Aaron had touched me. Had made me shudder and sigh and moan. I’d felt all those things with someone else , and even though I kept telling myself it was all right, it was normal, it was healthy , even, I still felt like I’d betrayed him.
I’d wanted Brady.
How could I want anyone but Aaron? I loved him. He was the man I was supposed to spend my life with; he was the beginning and the end; he was every moment in between. We’d promised each other faithfulness and caring, and now he was gone and I wanted someone else.
Even then, choking on my sobs, head buried in the soft fabric of Aaron’s cardigan, I wanted Brady. And that scared me to death.
I fumbled for my phone, jabbing at the screen until I heard the sound of Tracy’s phone ringing. She answered me with a smile in her voice, the soft noise of voices in the background clueing me in that I might have caught her at work.
Normally, I’d apologize, offer to try back at a better time. All I could do then, though, was shudder in a breath and tell her, voice breaking around every word, “He’s really dead.”
There was a beat, the sound of a door closing, and the background noises hushed. “Quinn? Honey, what’s wrong?”
“He’s really gone, Trace. Aaron isn’t here.”
There was so much worry in her voice, every word deliberate, feeling her way over ice that was already cracking under her feet. “I know, Quinn. He’s been gone for two years. What happened? Talk to me, sweetie.”
Heaving in short, stuttered breaths, I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs. “Brady and I… I cheated on Aaron. I slept with Brady and I wanted to and it was really good, and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t be able to, not with anyone else. But I could, and he’s not here, he’s not anywhere , and oh, God, Trace, he’s really gone, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, Quinn,” she told me, so softly I almost didn’t hear her. “Yeah, he is.” A pause and she sighed. “Where are you? I’m coming over.”
“No.” Snuffling in a horrible-sounding snorted sigh, I tried to get myself together. I must have sounded like a loon. “No, it’s okay. I just want to be here alone for a while.”
She didn’t like that, but she finally agreed. “Okay. But call me if you change your mind.” Another long moment of silence and she added, “Brady’s a really good guy, Quinn. I’m glad you two are together. And I think this could be something great, if you let it. I know it’s hard, but this was an important thing. You’re going to be okay. And Aaron wouldn’t be mad.”
Of course he would be. I’d cheated on him. But I just nodded and sniffed quietly. “I’m okay. Talk to you later, Trace.”
The phone went silent and I let it fall away.
Chapter 5
O NE of the major benefits of owning your own store was not having to think of a reason when you called in sick. I just texted my staff—well, the three people who helped me with the register and stocking, but staff made me sound
I wound up in the bedroom, one of Aaron’s old cardigans wrapped around me. The sleeves were too long, the buttons hanging by threads, but I buried myself in it. Only the slightest hint of Aaron’s scent remained and I struggled to capture it, to remember what it felt like to be surrounded by him, vivid, alive, brilliant.
Winston at my feet, the faded sweater engulfing me, I sat in my empty room without him.
I’d slept with Brady. Maybe that was forgivable. Maybe that was what I was supposed to be doing. Moving on , Tracy kept calling it.
I just hadn’t expected to like it so much. To feel so much.
So I sat, missing the scent of Aaron, catching traces of Brady’s cologne on my shirt.
Tears running down my face, I sat.
Someone other than Aaron had touched me. Had made me shudder and sigh and moan. I’d felt all those things with someone else , and even though I kept telling myself it was all right, it was normal, it was healthy , even, I still felt like I’d betrayed him.
I’d wanted Brady.
How could I want anyone but Aaron? I loved him. He was the man I was supposed to spend my life with; he was the beginning and the end; he was every moment in between. We’d promised each other faithfulness and caring, and now he was gone and I wanted someone else.
Even then, choking on my sobs, head buried in the soft fabric of Aaron’s cardigan, I wanted Brady. And that scared me to death.
I fumbled for my phone, jabbing at the screen until I heard the sound of Tracy’s phone ringing. She answered me with a smile in her voice, the soft noise of voices in the background clueing me in that I might have caught her at work.
Normally, I’d apologize, offer to try back at a better time. All I could do then, though, was shudder in a breath and tell her, voice breaking around every word, “He’s really dead.”
There was a beat, the sound of a door closing, and the background noises hushed. “Quinn? Honey, what’s wrong?”
“He’s really gone, Trace. Aaron isn’t here.”
There was so much worry in her voice, every word deliberate, feeling her way over ice that was already cracking under her feet. “I know, Quinn. He’s been gone for two years. What happened? Talk to me, sweetie.”
Heaving in short, stuttered breaths, I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs. “Brady and I… I cheated on Aaron. I slept with Brady and I wanted to and it was really good, and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t be able to, not with anyone else. But I could, and he’s not here, he’s not anywhere , and oh, God, Trace, he’s really gone, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, Quinn,” she told me, so softly I almost didn’t hear her. “Yeah, he is.” A pause and she sighed. “Where are you? I’m coming over.”
“No.” Snuffling in a horrible-sounding snorted sigh, I tried to get myself together. I must have sounded like a loon. “No, it’s okay. I just want to be here alone for a while.”
She didn’t like that, but she finally agreed. “Okay. But call me if you change your mind.” Another long moment of silence and she added, “Brady’s a really good guy, Quinn. I’m glad you two are together. And I think this could be something great, if you let it. I know it’s hard, but this was an important thing. You’re going to be okay. And Aaron wouldn’t be mad.”
Of course he would be. I’d cheated on him. But I just nodded and sniffed quietly. “I’m okay. Talk to you later, Trace.”
The phone went silent and I let it fall away.
Chapter 5
O NE of the major benefits of owning your own store was not having to think of a reason when you called in sick. I just texted my staff—well, the three people who helped me with the register and stocking, but staff made me sound
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