Abbott Awaits by Chris Bachelder Page A

wife about it. One of them will say it’s troubling. The other will say it’s nothing to worry about. Abbott doesn’t know yet which one he’ll be.

27 In Which Abbott Sits in a Parked Car for Quite a While
    Were he to marry, twenty-eight-year-old Charles Darwin scribbled in pencil on the backs of envelopes, he would never see America; he would never learn French; he would never go up in a hot air balloon; he would never take a
solitary trip in Wales
; he would be obliged to go walking every day with his wife; he would be forced to visit and receive relatives; he would be forced to
bend in every trifle
; he could not read in the evenings; he would be fat and idle, anxious and responsible; he would never have enough money for books; he would be banished from London; he would be trapped in London; he would have the expense and worry of children; he would feel a duty to work for money, especially if he had many children; he would be forced to host visitors and be a part of Society; he would listen to
female chit-chat
; he would have no time in the country, no tours; he would have no large zoological collection; he would not have enough books; he would have no freedom to go where he liked; he would not have the
conversation of clever men at clubs
; he would suffer, above all else, a
terrible loss of time
. Darwin was married within the year. Heand his wife, Emma Wedgwood Darwin, produced ten children, three of whom died young. Late in life, he wrote of Emma: “She has been my greatest blessing, and I can declare that in my whole life I have never heard her utter one word which I had rather have been unsaid. … I marvel at my good fortune that she, so infinitely my superior in every single moral quality, consented to be my wife. She has been my wise adviser and cheerful comforter throughout life.” And to his children Darwin wrote: “I have indeed been most happy in my family, and I must say to you children that not one of you has ever given me one minute’s anxiety, except on the score of health. … When you were very young it was my delight to play with you all, and I think with a sigh that such days can never return.”

28 Abbott and the Vexing Claims of Purity
    Furthermore, Abbott’s daughter will not drink her organic cow’s milk. Just will
not
, no matter how many times her father takes a sip of it and then licks his lips and rubs his belly. Then this morning Abbott’s wife has what she considers a breakthrough when she adds maple syrup to the milk and the child drinks it eagerly. “Maple milk!” his wife says, making lip-smacking noises at the child. Abbott is not impressed. He feels his belly-rubbing program has not been given enough time to succeed. “And all those additives and chemicals,” he says to his wife. “No,” she says, “it’s pure maple syrup.” “Right,
pure
,” Abbott says, troubled by the stupidity of his sarcasm. He gets up from his chair and walks to the kitchen to scrutinize the syrup bottle, which does indeed disingenuously announce its 100 percent purity. What he will do, he decides, is read the ingredients out loud like the Declaration of Independence, but he finds upon inspection that the ingredients are not listed on the bottle, so his scheme collapses. “I thought they were required to put the ingredients on here,” he says. “What?” his wife says. “It’s pure maple syrup.
Sap
, that’s the ingredient. Look at her go.” There’s no denying it, the child is crazy about maplemilk. Abbott is still perplexed by the absent list of ingredients. “Syrup is not sap,” he says with a derisiveness born of uncertainty. “It can’t just be sap.” His voice nearly cracks, and his wife turns in her chair to face him. “Well, what do you think it is?” she says, laughing now. “Processed sugar,” he says. “And aspartame. Lead paint.