A State of Jane by Meredith Schorr

“Before he leaves you first.”

    *   *   *

    I spent the next few weeks avoiding eye contact with anyone who was likely to have a penis – in the island of Manhattan, you never really knew for sure. I walked the city streets briskly, eyes focused straight ahead and scowled at the construction workers who dared to whistle and refused to acknowledge the less obvious corporate types who gave me a quick once over as our paths crossed. I didn't want to be noticed and stopped trying to disguise my plumper lower half. I also packed away my v-neck, cleavage-enhancing sweaters and opted for looser tops like button downs. During nights out with the girls, I feigned exhaustion and excused myself early if we were approached by single guys. When Lainie caught on and questioned why I was so tired lately, I stopped pleading sleep deprivation in favor of needing to study for the LSAT. I'd cancelled my eHarmony subscription and suspended my membership in the Meetup singles group. The fees seemed a waste of my hard-earned dollar.

    *   *   *

    I gave Bob a reprieve from my hostility toward testicle-bearing beings. Even I had to concede that he had been a good boyfriend. Although he found someone else to remind him to get a haircut, we still spoke every couple of weeks.
    I had just spent ten minutes feigning interest in his purchase of an “off the hook” 52-inch flat screen TV and how watching the Syracuse games on that piece of plasma would be “legendary.” Bob and his buddies described everything slightly more interesting than the 11:00 news as “legendary.” I wasn't really listening. I was wracking my brain for an excuse to bail on my plans with Marissa to go to Katherine's tree trimming party that night. Apparently Katherine's husband had a friend they thought would be perfect for me. Why? Because he was a lawyer and I planned on going to law school? Why did people think any common interest between two people automatically meant they'd make a good couple? I said Iwasn't interested (politely, of course) but supposedly there would be other single guys there and Marissa didn't want to miss out. She also didn't want to go alone.
    “So, you'll be there, right?”
    “Only because Marissa begged me!” I shouted.
    “Huh? You lost me at ‘Marissa,’” Bob said.
    Realizing that Bob wasn't privy to the internal thoughts in my head when I was supposed to be conversing with him about his “legendary” flat screen, I said, “Never mind. What are you talking about?”
    “Mine and Trish's house warming next Saturday night. You'll be there, right? Feel free to bring a date,” he said. “Or Marissa. Word on the street is that you're not really dating right now.”
    Word on the street? Was my relationship status suddenly worthy of street talking?
    “I'm not bringing Marissa! I'll bring a date. Don't know who your source is but she doesn't know what she's talking about.” And neither do I.
    “Sweet,” Bob said. I could almost see the gleam in his super straight teeth as he said it.
    “Yeah. Sweet,” I repeated.
    Maybe I could have a thing for lawyers after all. A temporary thing. Like seven days.
    Through the wall of my room, I called out, “Lainie? Can I borrow that denim zip-up dress? The pleather pants too?”
    I was afraid it might take more than slimming black pants and a v-neck sweater to lasso a date on such short notice. Especially a date who thought I was the bee's knees and would hang on my every word at the housewarming party.

C HAPTER 20
    I dipped a baby carrot in hummus and popped it in my mouth before scoping out the room. To Katherine's credit, there were a lot of attractive, professional looking people in attendance, although most were already engaged in conversation with someone of the opposite sex.
    I caught Katherine's eye and she frantically waved me over. By her side was a nondescript guy with longish dark hair and blue eyes. The most original aspect of his appearance was his baseball cap. The logo was