certainty in your connection with your partner that you have chosen to begin the process of rebuilding. You recognize that the connection you have can be painful and challenging, but you have a desire or internal imperative to find a way to repair and rebuild what has been broken.
What Is Trust?
Wanting to trust and wanting to be trusted is a natural part of being human. At a core level, each of us just wants to love and be loved; trust is part of that process. The state of being able to trust (or not) is developed early in our relationships with the adults who were caring for us—generally our mothers and fathers, usually primarily our mothers. At a young age, as we begin to differentiate and move away from the safety of our parents’ direct sphere and then safely return, we begin to build internal trust structures. We begin to determine that we can trust ourselves in the world.
These trusting structures are internally strengthened in those moments when we as children have a frightening or maddening (or otherwise uncomfortable) experience and are able to bring that experience back to the safety of our adult caregiver and be comforted, validated, and accepted. In the moment of experiencing the uncomfortable impulse, we see that we are still safe. We understand that we are uncomfortable, but we are still okay. We start to build the internal structure that can contain the discomfort.
To the extent that we were not able to build trust structures in our formative years, our intimate relationships become the place where we have the greatest difficulties with trust. Often, we project our fear or lack of trust onto our partner. Both partners often share this lack of capacity to trust.
Joe and Maggie
Joe lives in the heartland of the country with his wife Maggie and their three kids. He has been masturbating to porn since he was twelve. It started with the Sears catalog, and then he found his father’s stash of Playboy magazines. His parents were both alcoholics. He learned early on that he couldn’t trust them; he never knew what he would find when he came home from school. He did not get trust structures in place when he was growing up.
Consequently, as his sexuality was budding, he didn’t trust that he could count on a live woman to be there for him, but he could count on images. And now, the women he can rely on to be there for him are those constantly available images on his computer screen. All he has to do is turn on his computer.
Ironically, Joe’s wife would actually like to have sex with him, but it is difficult for him to ask for sex. He does not trust that if she says no he will have the strength to bear that momentary rejection. He gave up on that kind of trust so long ago.
This lack of trust is not something that was immediately apparent to Joe. As he began to look at where he had trust and where he did not, he began to see how difficult it was for him to trust, or to allow the feeling of safety with another.
Trusting Yourself
We all understand that after trust has been broken in a relationship, it naturally needs to be rebuilt. Paradoxically, trust not only needs to be restored in the relationship between the two partners, it also needs to be repaired internally by each partner. If you are the one who has been acting in an untrustworthy way, it will be difficult for you to believe that you can trust yourself. And because you don’t trust yourself, it will be difficult for you to trust anyone else. It is very common for the partner who has been acting out sexually to discover how he does not trust his mate.
Lack of internal trust is a fundamental cornerstone of addictive behavior—it keeps you in the grip of your coping strategy. It allows the shame part of the addictive cycle to grab you. Finding ways to put your sexually compulsive behavior on hold is not only step one in rebuilding trust with your partner, it is also step one in rebuilding trust in yourself. And rebuilding trust in yourself helps you control
What Is Trust?
Wanting to trust and wanting to be trusted is a natural part of being human. At a core level, each of us just wants to love and be loved; trust is part of that process. The state of being able to trust (or not) is developed early in our relationships with the adults who were caring for us—generally our mothers and fathers, usually primarily our mothers. At a young age, as we begin to differentiate and move away from the safety of our parents’ direct sphere and then safely return, we begin to build internal trust structures. We begin to determine that we can trust ourselves in the world.
These trusting structures are internally strengthened in those moments when we as children have a frightening or maddening (or otherwise uncomfortable) experience and are able to bring that experience back to the safety of our adult caregiver and be comforted, validated, and accepted. In the moment of experiencing the uncomfortable impulse, we see that we are still safe. We understand that we are uncomfortable, but we are still okay. We start to build the internal structure that can contain the discomfort.
To the extent that we were not able to build trust structures in our formative years, our intimate relationships become the place where we have the greatest difficulties with trust. Often, we project our fear or lack of trust onto our partner. Both partners often share this lack of capacity to trust.
Joe and Maggie
Joe lives in the heartland of the country with his wife Maggie and their three kids. He has been masturbating to porn since he was twelve. It started with the Sears catalog, and then he found his father’s stash of Playboy magazines. His parents were both alcoholics. He learned early on that he couldn’t trust them; he never knew what he would find when he came home from school. He did not get trust structures in place when he was growing up.
Consequently, as his sexuality was budding, he didn’t trust that he could count on a live woman to be there for him, but he could count on images. And now, the women he can rely on to be there for him are those constantly available images on his computer screen. All he has to do is turn on his computer.
Ironically, Joe’s wife would actually like to have sex with him, but it is difficult for him to ask for sex. He does not trust that if she says no he will have the strength to bear that momentary rejection. He gave up on that kind of trust so long ago.
This lack of trust is not something that was immediately apparent to Joe. As he began to look at where he had trust and where he did not, he began to see how difficult it was for him to trust, or to allow the feeling of safety with another.
Trusting Yourself
We all understand that after trust has been broken in a relationship, it naturally needs to be rebuilt. Paradoxically, trust not only needs to be restored in the relationship between the two partners, it also needs to be repaired internally by each partner. If you are the one who has been acting in an untrustworthy way, it will be difficult for you to believe that you can trust yourself. And because you don’t trust yourself, it will be difficult for you to trust anyone else. It is very common for the partner who has been acting out sexually to discover how he does not trust his mate.
Lack of internal trust is a fundamental cornerstone of addictive behavior—it keeps you in the grip of your coping strategy. It allows the shame part of the addictive cycle to grab you. Finding ways to put your sexually compulsive behavior on hold is not only step one in rebuilding trust with your partner, it is also step one in rebuilding trust in yourself. And rebuilding trust in yourself helps you control
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