married for about four years and Steve bought a new computer, Megan began to notice that they were having sex less and less often, and that Steve was spending a lot of time with his new computer. He was staying up late to play video games for four to five hours most nights. But Steve didn’t want to talk about the video games. To Megan this was uncharacteristic and suspicious. Megan decided to check the computer to find out what was so engaging to her husband. You have probably guessed the rest of the story.
Steve was visiting porn websites—websites with content that was shocking to Megan. She hadn’t even imagined that portrayals of sex with such young girls existed. So she decided to see if she could find more evidence about what Steve had been doing. She looked in the closets of Steve’s family house that had not been cleaned out for over twenty years, and discovered boxes and boxes of porn videos and magazines.
Initially, when she confronted Steve with her discoveries, he denied that the videos were his or that he had visited the porn websites. In fact, he yelled at Megan for intruding on his privacy. Megan wasn’t certain what to do about what she had found, but she was clear that she couldn’t live with this behavior. She told Steve she was moving out in one week unless he could at least admit what he had been doing. During that week, Megan felt the pain of the possibility that her relationship with Steve might indeed be over. She slept in their spare bedroom and ate her meals alone.
It took Steve that full week, but he eventually admitted what he had been doing. He was not yet ready to acknowledge the content of the sexually explicit material he had been accessing on the Internet to stimulate himself. And he wasn’t ready to talk about the porn videos and porn magazines that had been accumulating since the time he was in high school.
Megan was initially relieved to hear just this portion of the truth. She was certain that there was more to the story, and she didn’t know how she could trust Steve until he told her everything. She also felt betrayed that he had lied to her about the video tapes and that he was attracted to websites that were so abhorrent to her. She couldn’t imagine how she could again engage with him in a sexual way while knowing that he was captivated by the images she had seen on the computer screen.
Megan wanted to be able to trust Steve and Steve wanted Megan to trust him. Steve felt frozen, guilty, and embarrassed. Neither one of them could imagine how they could regain the love and connection they had initially experienced with each other. They hoped there was a way to come back together, but could not imagine how to navigate from Point A to Point B.
How to Begin to Rebuild Trust
When a couple is wrestling with the issue of sex addiction, the man has usually been acting out sexually and the woman is hurt and loses trust in the relationship. At the end of Chapter 4 , we provided an exercise for making full disclosure of the sexually compulsive behavior. If you haven’t completed that step, it won’t be possible to begin the task of rebuilding trust. When there is an elephant in the living room, it will be necessary to know how the elephant got into the living room. But when you have an elephant in the living room, it’s important to first get it out. That elephant is causing a lot of destruction. Most importantly, it’s impossible to rebuild trust while the elephant is still in the living room!
It’s probably obvious to you that it’s impossible for a couple to have a conversation about couple dynamics or about how to rebuild trust while one partner is acting violently or drinking alcohol to excess or abusing drugs. In the same way, the sexually acting-out behaviors must at least be put on pause. Even if the stopping is not perfect, there must be the desire to stop and there must be some kind of structure put in place to support the stopping.
Just hoping or imagining that you will
Steve was visiting porn websites—websites with content that was shocking to Megan. She hadn’t even imagined that portrayals of sex with such young girls existed. So she decided to see if she could find more evidence about what Steve had been doing. She looked in the closets of Steve’s family house that had not been cleaned out for over twenty years, and discovered boxes and boxes of porn videos and magazines.
Initially, when she confronted Steve with her discoveries, he denied that the videos were his or that he had visited the porn websites. In fact, he yelled at Megan for intruding on his privacy. Megan wasn’t certain what to do about what she had found, but she was clear that she couldn’t live with this behavior. She told Steve she was moving out in one week unless he could at least admit what he had been doing. During that week, Megan felt the pain of the possibility that her relationship with Steve might indeed be over. She slept in their spare bedroom and ate her meals alone.
It took Steve that full week, but he eventually admitted what he had been doing. He was not yet ready to acknowledge the content of the sexually explicit material he had been accessing on the Internet to stimulate himself. And he wasn’t ready to talk about the porn videos and porn magazines that had been accumulating since the time he was in high school.
Megan was initially relieved to hear just this portion of the truth. She was certain that there was more to the story, and she didn’t know how she could trust Steve until he told her everything. She also felt betrayed that he had lied to her about the video tapes and that he was attracted to websites that were so abhorrent to her. She couldn’t imagine how she could again engage with him in a sexual way while knowing that he was captivated by the images she had seen on the computer screen.
Megan wanted to be able to trust Steve and Steve wanted Megan to trust him. Steve felt frozen, guilty, and embarrassed. Neither one of them could imagine how they could regain the love and connection they had initially experienced with each other. They hoped there was a way to come back together, but could not imagine how to navigate from Point A to Point B.
How to Begin to Rebuild Trust
When a couple is wrestling with the issue of sex addiction, the man has usually been acting out sexually and the woman is hurt and loses trust in the relationship. At the end of Chapter 4 , we provided an exercise for making full disclosure of the sexually compulsive behavior. If you haven’t completed that step, it won’t be possible to begin the task of rebuilding trust. When there is an elephant in the living room, it will be necessary to know how the elephant got into the living room. But when you have an elephant in the living room, it’s important to first get it out. That elephant is causing a lot of destruction. Most importantly, it’s impossible to rebuild trust while the elephant is still in the living room!
It’s probably obvious to you that it’s impossible for a couple to have a conversation about couple dynamics or about how to rebuild trust while one partner is acting violently or drinking alcohol to excess or abusing drugs. In the same way, the sexually acting-out behaviors must at least be put on pause. Even if the stopping is not perfect, there must be the desire to stop and there must be some kind of structure put in place to support the stopping.
Just hoping or imagining that you will
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