cut?
This
guy knows what I’m talking about, and this woman’s all, “Tee-hee—what’s a Malarchuk?” He’s this hockey player, got his throat cut open by another player’s skate. Yeah, I know. Gross. Quick, get some ice!
How ’bout that crazy Khomeini funeral? The body falling into the crowd like that? I felt like I was watching a dude crowd-surf at a punk rock and roll show, huh?
So, the Fox network is showing cartoons in prime time now.
Simpsons
or something? I guess they ran out of people to arrest on
Cops
.
Have you seen these Post-it notes?
“Wild” Willy
[
to the tune of Sam and Dave’s “Soul Man
”]:
Drive my dad’s car
In the driveway
Time for Wapner
Each and every day
Eight pieces
of fish sticks
Counting all
of those toothpicks
I’m a Rain Man!
I’m a Rain Man!
[to the tune of Lynn Anderson’s “Rose Garden”]
I beg your pardon
But Pete Rose has got a gamblin’ problem . . .
“Topical” Tommy:
If you don’t want to hear about the Keating Five or the Velvet Revolution, now’s a good time to take a bathroom break.
So . . .
1990
Blazer:
Man, you hear Jim Henson died? Yeah, Kermit was speechless. But seriously, folks, Jim Henson was a genius and he’ll truly be missed. There we go—yes, ma’am. A round of applause for Jim Henson.
So, the first McDonald’s restaurant opened in Moscow. You want a McBorscht with that, comrade? Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a bottle of vodka, huh, Boris? Hey, these people wait in line three days to get toilet paper. I’d hate to see the lines for French fries!
Oh, and you see how Bush raised taxes? Guess I read his lips wrong! Think he’s trying to help Imelda Marcos buy some shoes for her trial? If we need money so bad, why don’t we get Mayor Marion Barry to sell some crack?
“Wild” Willy
[
to the tune of the Fine Young Cannibals’
“She Drives Me Crazy”
]:
He drives Miss Daisy . . .
“Topical” Tommy:
Well, I guess you all missed only the biggest merging of media companies in U.S. History with the merging of Time and Warner Communications. I’m telling you, people, we’re going to end up under one media umbrella and pretty soon the news and the government will all be brought to you by fucking Frosted
Flakes
.
[A drunk in the audience yells, “They’re grrrrrreat!”]
Just perfect . . .
1991
Blazer:
Pee . . . !
“Wild” Willy Strumston:
Wee . . . !
“Topical” Tommy Tantrum:
Okay, first off, his name is Paul Reubens,
not
“Pee Wee Herman,” which is a fucking character he plays. I guess the entire country screeches to a halt when—surprise, surprise—an adult male is caught masturbating in a public theater. I mean . . .
[Jokes about the Soviet storming of Vilnius to stop
Lithuanian independence, the Visegrad Agreement,
and the Milosevic demonstrations in Belgrade;
one thrown bottle later, Tommy stomps offstage.]
1992
Blazer:
Yeah, so. How’re you folks doing? Let’s get a round of applause for those Redskins, huh?
Man, Carson retiring, huh? Gonna leave
The Tonight Show.
What’s he got, three weeks left there? What do you think, you still think I have a shot? [
Heavy sigh
] So yeah, so Bush, huh? Puking all over the Japanese prime minister like that? Look, if you don’t like their trade proposals, say it, don’t spray it. And . . .
[Pause]
Of course, next week that joke’s going to be a dinosaur. What else have I got here? Mike Tyson raping that chick, something something . . . I think the punch line was going to be something about being “saved by the bell.” Oh hey, here’s a bunch of stuff about Amy Fisher and Mary Jo Buttafuoco. “I hope this affair doesn’t blow up in my face.” Well, that’s Joe Buttafuoco saying that, now Mary Jo. Who cares anyway, right?
[Sits on stool]
Man, five years ago, the people who made the news seemed to be world leaders or talented people. You know what they should call
This
guy knows what I’m talking about, and this woman’s all, “Tee-hee—what’s a Malarchuk?” He’s this hockey player, got his throat cut open by another player’s skate. Yeah, I know. Gross. Quick, get some ice!
How ’bout that crazy Khomeini funeral? The body falling into the crowd like that? I felt like I was watching a dude crowd-surf at a punk rock and roll show, huh?
So, the Fox network is showing cartoons in prime time now.
Simpsons
or something? I guess they ran out of people to arrest on
Cops
.
Have you seen these Post-it notes?
“Wild” Willy
[
to the tune of Sam and Dave’s “Soul Man
”]:
Drive my dad’s car
In the driveway
Time for Wapner
Each and every day
Eight pieces
of fish sticks
Counting all
of those toothpicks
I’m a Rain Man!
I’m a Rain Man!
[to the tune of Lynn Anderson’s “Rose Garden”]
I beg your pardon
But Pete Rose has got a gamblin’ problem . . .
“Topical” Tommy:
If you don’t want to hear about the Keating Five or the Velvet Revolution, now’s a good time to take a bathroom break.
So . . .
1990
Blazer:
Man, you hear Jim Henson died? Yeah, Kermit was speechless. But seriously, folks, Jim Henson was a genius and he’ll truly be missed. There we go—yes, ma’am. A round of applause for Jim Henson.
So, the first McDonald’s restaurant opened in Moscow. You want a McBorscht with that, comrade? Two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a bottle of vodka, huh, Boris? Hey, these people wait in line three days to get toilet paper. I’d hate to see the lines for French fries!
Oh, and you see how Bush raised taxes? Guess I read his lips wrong! Think he’s trying to help Imelda Marcos buy some shoes for her trial? If we need money so bad, why don’t we get Mayor Marion Barry to sell some crack?
“Wild” Willy
[
to the tune of the Fine Young Cannibals’
“She Drives Me Crazy”
]:
He drives Miss Daisy . . .
“Topical” Tommy:
Well, I guess you all missed only the biggest merging of media companies in U.S. History with the merging of Time and Warner Communications. I’m telling you, people, we’re going to end up under one media umbrella and pretty soon the news and the government will all be brought to you by fucking Frosted
Flakes
.
[A drunk in the audience yells, “They’re grrrrrreat!”]
Just perfect . . .
1991
Blazer:
Pee . . . !
“Wild” Willy Strumston:
Wee . . . !
“Topical” Tommy Tantrum:
Okay, first off, his name is Paul Reubens,
not
“Pee Wee Herman,” which is a fucking character he plays. I guess the entire country screeches to a halt when—surprise, surprise—an adult male is caught masturbating in a public theater. I mean . . .
[Jokes about the Soviet storming of Vilnius to stop
Lithuanian independence, the Visegrad Agreement,
and the Milosevic demonstrations in Belgrade;
one thrown bottle later, Tommy stomps offstage.]
1992
Blazer:
Yeah, so. How’re you folks doing? Let’s get a round of applause for those Redskins, huh?
Man, Carson retiring, huh? Gonna leave
The Tonight Show.
What’s he got, three weeks left there? What do you think, you still think I have a shot? [
Heavy sigh
] So yeah, so Bush, huh? Puking all over the Japanese prime minister like that? Look, if you don’t like their trade proposals, say it, don’t spray it. And . . .
[Pause]
Of course, next week that joke’s going to be a dinosaur. What else have I got here? Mike Tyson raping that chick, something something . . . I think the punch line was going to be something about being “saved by the bell.” Oh hey, here’s a bunch of stuff about Amy Fisher and Mary Jo Buttafuoco. “I hope this affair doesn’t blow up in my face.” Well, that’s Joe Buttafuoco saying that, now Mary Jo. Who cares anyway, right?
[Sits on stool]
Man, five years ago, the people who made the news seemed to be world leaders or talented people. You know what they should call
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