You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page B
Authors: The Believer
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karate, computers, or premarital sex. (JK—don’t do it.)
3. Absorb the following knowledge: sports are one of the most important things at your age, but they exponentially decrease in importance after high school—just ask Mick Jagger or Janet Reno—plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn’t let on that everything is awful).
Eugene
…
Dear Eugene:
My friend Andrew is experiencing a renaissance after a relative nadir in his love life. I want to buy him a gift that says, “Yeah, dude. You’re doing it. Be safe.” What would you suggest?
Sandy
San Francisco, CA
P.S. He is a box turtle .
Dear Sandy:
Well, obviously you don’t need to get him condoms or anything like that. My guess is he already has an iPod. You should build him a turtle-size modern home with glass walls, a steam shower, hot tub, and lettuce room—basically Howard Roark the place. A classy turtle is a happy turtle.
Eugene
P.S. If the reason your friend is experiencing a renaissance in his love life is because you bought another turtle and put her in his cage, then you are no better than Indian parents who make their daughter marry some rich family’s son in exchange for horses and weird drums. I know, why end this with a confused, ethnically charged remark? So you start seeing turtles like I do—as pawns in a cultural war.
Morgan Murphy
Dear Morgan:
My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had sex with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a onetime thing—how often do you get to fuck a silver man?—but I’m worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?
Glenn
Davenport, IA
Dear Glenn:
I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he’s fucking a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a homosexual, and you need to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as nobody wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he’s blowing you.
Above all, don’t judge him. I happen to know that you’re required to fuck a man covered in silver paint to get into Burning Man. It’s a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival’s already excessive littering. Inserting one’s penis into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you’ve paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver penis. It’s quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the “fuck a man covered in silver body paint” policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations’ “Jingle Balls,” and the Westminster Dog Show.
Morgan
…
Dear Morgan:
I’ve read that by drinking one and a half glasses of red wine each day, you can prevent cancer and heart attacks. My question is, what happens if you finish the second glass? Are you undoing all the good?
Sandra Olston
Orlando, FL
Dear Sandra:
Allow me to ask you a question, Sandra. Why would you want to prevent cancer and heart attacks? Do you have any idea how nice people are to you when you’ve recently been diagnosed with lymphoma, or undergone a coronary bypass? I’ve endured three years of white-knuckled, unassisted sobriety in the hopes that I might be stricken down by a temporarily debilitating illness that will force God-fearing family members to wait on me hand and foot. Sure, when I see my friends going to Party Town (choo choo!) with a case of Shiraz, part of me wants to join them. But then I think about said friends having to bathe me with sponges during my bedridden “vacation” from
3. Absorb the following knowledge: sports are one of the most important things at your age, but they exponentially decrease in importance after high school—just ask Mick Jagger or Janet Reno—plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn’t let on that everything is awful).
Eugene
…
Dear Eugene:
My friend Andrew is experiencing a renaissance after a relative nadir in his love life. I want to buy him a gift that says, “Yeah, dude. You’re doing it. Be safe.” What would you suggest?
Sandy
San Francisco, CA
P.S. He is a box turtle .
Dear Sandy:
Well, obviously you don’t need to get him condoms or anything like that. My guess is he already has an iPod. You should build him a turtle-size modern home with glass walls, a steam shower, hot tub, and lettuce room—basically Howard Roark the place. A classy turtle is a happy turtle.
Eugene
P.S. If the reason your friend is experiencing a renaissance in his love life is because you bought another turtle and put her in his cage, then you are no better than Indian parents who make their daughter marry some rich family’s son in exchange for horses and weird drums. I know, why end this with a confused, ethnically charged remark? So you start seeing turtles like I do—as pawns in a cultural war.
Morgan Murphy
Dear Morgan:
My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had sex with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a onetime thing—how often do you get to fuck a silver man?—but I’m worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?
Glenn
Davenport, IA
Dear Glenn:
I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he’s fucking a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a homosexual, and you need to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as nobody wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he’s blowing you.
Above all, don’t judge him. I happen to know that you’re required to fuck a man covered in silver paint to get into Burning Man. It’s a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival’s already excessive littering. Inserting one’s penis into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you’ve paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver penis. It’s quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the “fuck a man covered in silver body paint” policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations’ “Jingle Balls,” and the Westminster Dog Show.
Morgan
…
Dear Morgan:
I’ve read that by drinking one and a half glasses of red wine each day, you can prevent cancer and heart attacks. My question is, what happens if you finish the second glass? Are you undoing all the good?
Sandra Olston
Orlando, FL
Dear Sandra:
Allow me to ask you a question, Sandra. Why would you want to prevent cancer and heart attacks? Do you have any idea how nice people are to you when you’ve recently been diagnosed with lymphoma, or undergone a coronary bypass? I’ve endured three years of white-knuckled, unassisted sobriety in the hopes that I might be stricken down by a temporarily debilitating illness that will force God-fearing family members to wait on me hand and foot. Sure, when I see my friends going to Party Town (choo choo!) with a case of Shiraz, part of me wants to join them. But then I think about said friends having to bathe me with sponges during my bedridden “vacation” from
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