You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page A

Perry in Peril
Parker, CO
    Dear Perry in Peril:
    What you have asked is technically a “non-question,” because the very notion of doing dishes is flawed. When possible, dishes should be tossed out a window. I know my answer isn’t very “green,” but the time saved will let you make a much bigger impact in your community.
    On a separate issue, if your mother has told you that grandchildren are in some way produced by using a dishwasher, she is lying.
Take care,
Eugene
    …
    Dear Eugene:
    I drive a 1997 Honda Civic with 178,000 miles on it. Lately, it’s been making an odd noise and vibrating wildly whenever I apply the brakes at highway speeds. Because the car is stolen, I’m reluctant to take it to an authorized mechanic. Does this sound like a serious problem, or can I afford to ignore it for a while?
Cheers ,
Dave
Wilmington, DE
    Dear Dave:
    It sounds like something is wrong with your transmission. You need to get it checked out right away. How am I so sure even though I’ve never owned a car? Because I own something a little more useful than knowledge—I own confidence. Go to the mechanic. Be careful, though. If the mechanic calls the police, you’ll have only about ten minutes to run away. How will you know if he’s called the police? He’ll try to stall you with questions and tasks like, “Want to write a play with me right now?” “Let’s watch the movie Dune,” or, “How do the pieces in chess move again?” It’ll be obvious.
Eugene
    …
    Dear Eugene:
    My sister has always had a real zest for life, but lately I’ve noticed that she seems to be drinking more than usual. I’m also not thrilled with the guys she’s been “dating.” How can I approach her about this without sounding like an uptight, repressed spinster?
All the best ,
Prudence
Schenectady, NY
    Dear Prudence:
    First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write “Dear Prudence.” It was really fun.
    You have the age-old problem of a slightly drunk sister throwing her body a party and inviting, indiscriminately, guys she met at a flea market and several bassists. Often people have to realize on their own that they’re making mistakes. (Robert Downey, Jr., and Amy Winehouse are just two examples.) Still, you can accelerate the process. Fill your sister’s pillow with thousands of pieces of paper that say “You’re making a mistake,” and, “You need to cut down on drinking.” When she brings some dude home, they’ll lie down and be like, “These pillows feel weird.” Once they look inside and find all the notes, they’ll be like, “Your sister really loves you. We shouldn’t be doing this.”
    You can also handcuff her to a golden retriever. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried drinking or making out while handcuffed to a dog, but I bet it’s near impossible.
Eugene
    …
    Dear Eugene:
    I’m a middle school student and I’m not very athletic. This is a problem because most of the other kids are, and they always play basketball together at recess. I want to play, too, but I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. What if they laugh at me for the rest of the year?
Regards ,
Ball’s in My Court
Myrtle Beach, SC
    Dear Ball’s in My Court:
    Oh my god! You are afraid of the wrong thing! What if they laugh at you for the rest of the year? No, that’s not what you should worry about. What if they laugh at you for the next five years? What happens if that leads you to never believe in yourself? What if you seek solace in drugs or, worse, community theater? You can’t allow that to happen. You have to overcome your fear of being laughed at and develop an insurmountable self-confidence. How? Not by turning to whiskey—that’s what weak tweens do, and you’re strong. You need a three-pronged approach:
    1. Start playing basketball somewhere alone for two hours a day for at least one day, but more like a month.
    2. Pick two other things to become not just good at, but great at. A few options: backgammon,