Yellow Back Radio Broke-Down by Ishmael Reed

wuz stuck with dis real dog who remained when all da other guys got good lookin pancakes and left. I wuz about to stick da pig when I dozed off and dat’s when I had da dream. I had to go into da kitchen and have da maid prepare me a late snack out of da frig—Kentucky Bourbon chased with water.
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    Well what about me? Field Marshal Doompussy Blackwell said squirming on his white crate. Does this look like my outfit to you? And why do you think my wig is all nappy and only a few patches of powder cover my decrepit yellow face? I didn’t even have time to place a mole on my cheek I rushed over in my carriage so fast. The doorman was doll enough to lend me his coat.
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    What’s up, Theda, is Frenchy up to his old tricks again? Pete asked dipping into a snuff box and removing the funnel from his head.
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    You said it Peter. O they treat me so mean—do you know what that child did this time?
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    No Theda, what?
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    Appropriated 2500 dollars so’s a couple of ruffians could go hunt mammoth’s bones and various botanical specimens to add to his Americana collection at Monticello. Can you get to that? Here I am in charge of Defense and I have to go around in ragged sneakers and borrow the doorman’s coat because to tell you the truth honey I was ashamed to wear my General’s outfit. I don’t even have enough money to take it to the cleaners. He said he didn’t believe in standing armies and that a good revolution from time to time is good.
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    Did he say dat Theda?
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    Said it as sure as you’re standing before my eyes. Why that’s why he got his ass out of Virginia that time when the British invaded and he was Governor. Said he was too busy inventing a cyptographic device called a wheel cypher to be concerned with force of arms.
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    Yeah Theda, remember dat time he was almost busted when he was ambassador to France and he was recuperating from an ailment in Italy and was seen smuggling Po Valley rice so’s he could compare it to da rice grown in Carolina?
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    Gossip has it that he spent most of his time learning the process by which parmesan cheese was made and learning how to make macaroni. And you know what else, Pete?
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    No, the Congressman answered, as Theda leaned over and whispered into his ear.
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    Likes niggers a whole lot.
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    You don’t mean it.
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    I kid thee not. When he was Gov of Virginia he tried to have a law passed against slavery and then later on wanted to banish slavery in the territories.
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    And he spends a lot of his time womanizing.
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    And remember what he did to the old man John Quincy Adams, Pete? I won’t forgive him for that as long as I live. This impudent obscene underground pamphleteer accused the old man of giving all the baboons the original red ass and when the old man retaliated against all of those liberals, anarchists, beatniks and what have you by getting through the Alien and Sedition Acts, high and mighty couldn’t even be a loyal Vice President—he pushed through his Kentucky resolution which declared the President’s act illegal. Took it upon himself.
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    Well whaddya expect, Theda, look at all of dem far-out amendments he got pushed through da Constitution. He looks down his nose at us Congressmen, I see him, just because he can do fol de rol, calculate an eclipse, tie an artery, plan an edifice, break a horse, do a mean minuet and play da fiddle, he ain’t so smart, why look.
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    O Peter you don’t have to be so graphic.
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    Look at dis, Peter said, bringing out 24 cards. Credit cards to da finest stores in Boston and New York. He ain’t so smart.
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    He has nothing but contempt for you Peter, you and your kind, why he called politics the hated occupation.
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    Well he can’t think much of me because I’m politics from foot to head.
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    He said he didn’t want to go the way of the French to Bonaparte.
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    Well if you ask me