Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! by Thomas Lennon, Robert B Garant Page B
Authors: Thomas Lennon, Robert B Garant
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story: A movie with a schlubby guy as a mall cop is a VERY GOOD IDEA.
15
REDLIGHTING OR HOW TO GET YOUR MOVIE UN-GREENLIT!
For starters: “Redlighting” is not an expression ever used by anyone in Hollywood. It’s an expression that we made up for this chapter, meaning the opposite of greenlit. It is not trademarked, so feel free to use it! The fact is, movies get STOPPED, SCRAPPED, HALTED, and BAILED UPON all the time.
(Note to editors: BAILED UPON seems like the right grammar? BAILED ON? ALL BAILED UP ON?)
Movies can fall apart faster than a macramé bikini made by a Thai child-labor slave. PRETTY FAST INDEED. Especially when that macramé bikini is on, say, Tyra Banks.
There are a lot of dumb things the writer can do to help get the movie stopped on a dime, or rather
stopped on the couple million dimes that have already been spent
and the possible contractual penalties of the stars, director, etc. Stopped on LOTS and LOTS of dimes.
Here are some things to watch out for:
1. Table Reads
Yikes. They want to do a table read of the script.
Um … okay, sure.
Consider yourself lucky if you even get invited to the table read of your script. They often don’t invite the writer. But if they do, it will be a fun opportunity for you to go to a fancy hotel conference room and see BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS butcher your words. It’s not their fault—they’ve just NEVER READ IT BEFORE. In fact, they’re only vaguely familiar with the fact that they’re getting paid several million dollars to star in this movie. All they know is the concept. Let’s say, for example, you’re doing the production rewrite on
Starsky & Hutch.
Well, keep in mind that Owen Wilson might not remember if he’s supposed to be playing STARSKY or HUTCH until he sees which part Ben Stiller reads first. This kind of thing happens all the time. Keep in mind that no matter what they do, THEY ARE THE MOVIE STARS— YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL LOOK LIKE A DOUCHEBAG WHEN ANY JOKE FALLS FLAT. This is a COLD READING for them; they’re doing their best.
Your writing career is hanging on an actor’s COLD READING of your script in a room with twenty-five very powerful people and their assistants. Yikes. Double yikes. Exclamation point. Every dud that happens in the reading: PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT YOU as if they’ve just been told you have inoperable brain cancer.
Before any table read: YOU should go through the script and do a pass where you TRIM EVERYTHING down to the BARE MINIMUM. If your table read goes long—that is NOT GOOD. Let’s say your reading goes so long that a bunch of people RUSH to the bathroom the moment it’s done: NOT GOOD. So trim, trim, trim. Let the draft for the table read be light and breezy. And trim dialogue too. Is anything said TWICE in your script? Unless it’s a callback or the THEME OF THE ENTIRE FILM (e.g., “I never knew what was right under my nose until the genie made me change places with that basset hound”). Never repeat yourself. If it’s said twice, cut the second time it’s said. And descriptions of actioncan be cut WAY DOWN—you just don’t need to say everything that happens, especially when it BREAKS UP A CHARACTER’S DIALOGUE. Less is more. Aim for WAY LESS.
2. Budget
We know what you’re thinking: HEY, THE BUDGET ISN’T MY FAULT!
DIDN’T THEY JUST PAY THAT MOVIE STAR $25 MILLION TO BE IN THIS GODDAMN BASSETT HOUND SWITCHEROO MOVIE?
True, not every aspect of the budget is in your control. But keep in mind, as the budget of your movie SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL (the normal state of budgets), the studio’s position becomes more and more difficult. Keep in mind this fact that people often forget: MOVIE STUDIOS DON’T GET EVERY PENNY IN TICKET SALES BACK. They SPLIT the profits with the movie theaters. And not evenly but on a shifting scale (short version: the longer a movie stays in the theaters, the more the theater owners make). AND, if the star or director are big enough: THEY’RE GETTING
15
REDLIGHTING OR HOW TO GET YOUR MOVIE UN-GREENLIT!
For starters: “Redlighting” is not an expression ever used by anyone in Hollywood. It’s an expression that we made up for this chapter, meaning the opposite of greenlit. It is not trademarked, so feel free to use it! The fact is, movies get STOPPED, SCRAPPED, HALTED, and BAILED UPON all the time.
(Note to editors: BAILED UPON seems like the right grammar? BAILED ON? ALL BAILED UP ON?)
Movies can fall apart faster than a macramé bikini made by a Thai child-labor slave. PRETTY FAST INDEED. Especially when that macramé bikini is on, say, Tyra Banks.
There are a lot of dumb things the writer can do to help get the movie stopped on a dime, or rather
stopped on the couple million dimes that have already been spent
and the possible contractual penalties of the stars, director, etc. Stopped on LOTS and LOTS of dimes.
Here are some things to watch out for:
1. Table Reads
Yikes. They want to do a table read of the script.
Um … okay, sure.
Consider yourself lucky if you even get invited to the table read of your script. They often don’t invite the writer. But if they do, it will be a fun opportunity for you to go to a fancy hotel conference room and see BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS butcher your words. It’s not their fault—they’ve just NEVER READ IT BEFORE. In fact, they’re only vaguely familiar with the fact that they’re getting paid several million dollars to star in this movie. All they know is the concept. Let’s say, for example, you’re doing the production rewrite on
Starsky & Hutch.
Well, keep in mind that Owen Wilson might not remember if he’s supposed to be playing STARSKY or HUTCH until he sees which part Ben Stiller reads first. This kind of thing happens all the time. Keep in mind that no matter what they do, THEY ARE THE MOVIE STARS— YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL LOOK LIKE A DOUCHEBAG WHEN ANY JOKE FALLS FLAT. This is a COLD READING for them; they’re doing their best.
Your writing career is hanging on an actor’s COLD READING of your script in a room with twenty-five very powerful people and their assistants. Yikes. Double yikes. Exclamation point. Every dud that happens in the reading: PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT YOU as if they’ve just been told you have inoperable brain cancer.
Before any table read: YOU should go through the script and do a pass where you TRIM EVERYTHING down to the BARE MINIMUM. If your table read goes long—that is NOT GOOD. Let’s say your reading goes so long that a bunch of people RUSH to the bathroom the moment it’s done: NOT GOOD. So trim, trim, trim. Let the draft for the table read be light and breezy. And trim dialogue too. Is anything said TWICE in your script? Unless it’s a callback or the THEME OF THE ENTIRE FILM (e.g., “I never knew what was right under my nose until the genie made me change places with that basset hound”). Never repeat yourself. If it’s said twice, cut the second time it’s said. And descriptions of actioncan be cut WAY DOWN—you just don’t need to say everything that happens, especially when it BREAKS UP A CHARACTER’S DIALOGUE. Less is more. Aim for WAY LESS.
2. Budget
We know what you’re thinking: HEY, THE BUDGET ISN’T MY FAULT!
DIDN’T THEY JUST PAY THAT MOVIE STAR $25 MILLION TO BE IN THIS GODDAMN BASSETT HOUND SWITCHEROO MOVIE?
True, not every aspect of the budget is in your control. But keep in mind, as the budget of your movie SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL (the normal state of budgets), the studio’s position becomes more and more difficult. Keep in mind this fact that people often forget: MOVIE STUDIOS DON’T GET EVERY PENNY IN TICKET SALES BACK. They SPLIT the profits with the movie theaters. And not evenly but on a shifting scale (short version: the longer a movie stays in the theaters, the more the theater owners make). AND, if the star or director are big enough: THEY’RE GETTING
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