Woman on Fire by Amy Jo Goddard Page A

anyone about it like Naomi did. She was alone in her shame, and that made her shame grow. It’s when we tell others and receive compassion for our stories that we dissipate our feelings of shame.
    Author and shame researcher Brené Brown talks about healing shame and what is required of us: “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy.” In fact, “shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone.”
    Speak about it in the right contexts where you can receive empathy and compassion and feel the shame fall away. This happensconstantly in my weekend programs. Women speak the unspeakable stories, they talk about the things they never talk about, and at last get to lay down their shame and stories that have held them back for years. Witnessing this process is one of the most gratifying parts of my work.
Guilt
    Sexual guilt is pervasive. Many people feel very guilty about their sexual feelings, fantasies, and thoughts. Much of a person’s sexual guilt in this regard comes from learned religious or cultural beliefs. What kind of sex you should want. What fantasies are not allowed, or are not right in the eyes of God. How you should feel about sex. Who you should be attracted to. Well, what if you like something else? Maybe your fantasies would be unpopular—but they are yours. If you have guilt about something you desire sexually and you decide to let the sexual fantasy come alive, you would probably question it because you had been told all your life it was wrong.
    Clarify the voice that told you your desires or fantasies are wrong. Was it a voice from your peers, religious community, media, or parents? You could make a choice to not feel guilty about your own desire or fantasy. This is not easy for people who have been heavily programmed by guilt, but you’ve got to start deprogramming yourself, and it begins by finding your own voice and separating your desires from the desires other people have for you. If you have not upheld your own boundaries about other people’s projections about sex, it might be time to actively work on communicating them.
    The place where guilt can be useful—provided we do not get stuck there—is that guilt can sound an alert about a place where we are acting out of alignment. If we are feeling guilty about something we have done or not done that truly didn’t feel right to us, then we know that our actions are not matching our beliefs, our identity, or our values for how we wish to live our lives and engage inrelationships. Identifying your guilt can help you course-correct and do it differently the next time. But you really have to take a hard look at the origins of guilt and see whether it’s based on ideas you want to respond to or whether it’s about someone else’s expectations of you or issues that have nothing to do with you.

    INQUIRY ABOUT GUILT
    When you feel guilt coming up, ask yourself: “Is this something I need to examine or learn from, or is this useless guilt?” To determine which it is, think about whether the activity is harmful or limiting to you or another person. Does it violate your rights or your sense of freedom? Does it violate someone else’s rights or their sense of freedom? If it does not, then it’s useless guilt and a waste of energy. Let the guilty feelings go and get support if you need it to work through what is coming up for you.

Trauma
    Trauma harms our sexuality and is almost always disempowering. Many people experience some kind of sexual trauma in their lives. All trauma demands healing. When people experience childhood sexual abuse, where adults or older kids did not respect their bodies or boundaries from a young age, their ability to set boundaries is typically impeded. Poor boundary-setting abilities can impact how people approach sex (or avoid it) for the rest of their lives. Some children are severely hurt physically, emotionally, mentally, and