Wives and Lovers by Margaret Millar

my fault as well as Gordon’s. Gordon is out for a walk—it’s funny how I keep telling You things You must know—and I miss him the way I did when he was in San Francisco. I think I love him, I don’t know. When he’s away I love him, but when he comes back everything starts over, all the small irritations and differences. I do my best to lead a virtuous life but some­ times I have wicked thoughts and when I look at Gordon I resent him. Where does this terrible resentment come from? Sometimes I want to hit out at him, and just tonight when he swallowed some soup and it went down the wrong way, I felt glad, really glad! I thought, that will teach him —those were the very words that came into my mind. But why? What would it teach him? How could I have been glad? Dear Lord, show me the way, I am lost and wicked—I don’t know—what a mess, Oh God, what a mess—”
    She remained on her knees for a long time, staring up at the ceiling, a blank relentless heaven.
    In terror and exultation Gordon opened the door of Mr. Gomez’s café and found Ruby in the back booth.
    â€œGordon—Gordon, are you glad I’m here?”
    â€œYes, yes, you know I am—”
    â€œI’m glad too.”
    He took her hand and held it against his mouth.
    â€œGordon, I didn’t come here to ask you for anything.”
    â€œI know. Don’t talk.”
    â€œI have to say this,” she said earnestly. “I mean, I don’t want you to give up your family or anything, I wouldn’t ask you to. I just came to be near you.”
    â€œYou shouldn’t have come.”
    â€œHere I am, though.”
    â€œHere you are.”
    â€œAre you happy?”
    â€œVery.” He smiled at her but his eyes were worried. “I’m very happy.”
    She noticed his worry and said quickly, “Now don’t start thinking, Gordon. For one night we won’t think or plan or anything, eh?”
    â€œAll right.”
    â€œIf it’s me you’re worrying about, you can stop right now. I can take care of myself and I know exactly what I’m doing.”
    â€œWhat did you tell your aunt?”
    â€œThat I was going to get a job here, and I am, too. She didn’t mind. She even let me borrow her red fox fur so I could look more presentable. Naturally I didn’t tell her about you, she’s death on men anyway.”
    â€œHave you any money?”
    â€œLots. My father sent me some. I had to tell a lie to get it. Does that shock you, Gordon?”
    He shook his head. He was beyond the stage of shock, no matter what happened. His life, which for eight years had run like an engine on schedule, had without warning jumped its tracks and roared off into the woods.
    It couldn’t have happened, Gordon thought in sudden panic, it isn’t true. Yet here was Ruby sitting by his side, accepting with mature complacence her new role as mistress to a married man. She seemed to have tossed away her girlhood and walked on without looking back and without looking ahead. She had no goal, no ambition, and no purpose beyond the immediate satisfaction of being near Gordon.
    â€œYou’ll have to go back home before your aunt finds out the truth,” Gordon said wearily.
    â€œI have no home. My aunt’s house is no more home to me than the room up the street that I just rented. Why should I go back? Gordon—” She put her hand on his wrist. “Listen, Gordon, after you left, the whole city seemed dead to me. The people were there just the same and they did the same things they always did, walked and laughed and drove cars, but they looked dead to me, like they had motors in them like that dummy that rides the exercycle on Powell Street. Remember when we passed it on the cable car and you said it was wonderful, a typically American invention to get nowhere fast?”
    Gordon nodded, marveling at the way she remembered, with absolute