Wild Stars Seeking Midnight Suns by J. California Cooper Page B

asking for a closer friendship? No, he said he loved me. Loved me? What can this wealthy white man want with me? If it was that, sex, why didn’t he just say it a long time ago? No, it can’t be sex. He didn’t say that. I know we are friends, close friends. Wouldn’t sex mess it up? Lord, I don’t know nothing at all. But, what am I going to do? Should I leave? No! I have a job! And a business down on paper. To hell with all this love shit! Oh, Mama!” But she began to huddle back inside herself again. Being without Weldon.
    Lily didn’t think she was in love with anyone, but she hated her loneliness. The loneliness she seemed to be making for herself.
    She did not want a sexual life with him, or anyone. But she wanted possession of him, and was possessive of him already. She wanted someone she could give what she could give, without anything being really taken from her. She was afraid of failure, of his really seeing her; she was afraid of being ugly again.
    She faced her own truths. Thinking, “I haven’t really given him anything for all he has given me. The money the shop makes could be
all
his. He’s already wealthy. I have given him nothing, really.” She took another sip of her wine (she was sipping quite a bit of wine lately). After a moment, she asked herself, “What was it I wanted? What did I think I would have to do for what I wanted?” Another sip, and she thought, “Why . . . I wanted to be free. Well, I’m free. But when someone wants to love you, and they have given you your freedom . . . How do you keep your freedom at the same time you give yourself up?” Her mind was in turmoil.
    Weldon hadn’t been out of town. He had gone to a golf tournament, left early, gone home, and stayed at home. He was a little worn from a few sleepless nights and useless, boring days. Otherwise he was resigned to his life without the hope of Lily Bea. He reasoned, “She is a good businesswoman. Nothing need change, and I’ll still enjoy seeing her even if I can’t have her closer to me. She’s almost my only joy.”
    He was self-conscious when he stopped by the Flower Cleaners. He opened the door, trying to smile, but his heart was sad. Then he looked up to see Lily hastening toward him. Her eyes were bright with warm welcome. She was saying, “We’ve missed you, Mr. Forest! I’m so glad to see you’re back.” She held her hands out to grasp his, then she remembered they were in the shop, and quickly changed to a handshake.
    His heart immediately lifted. He thought, “The look in her eyes doesn’t mean she is changing her mind, or that she loves me, but her feelings are sincere.” When he was leaving, he said, “Later, you can fill me in on everything.” His spirit had lifted. He stepped lighter for the rest of the day.
    That evening when he went by Lily’s place, he didn’t put on any love songs, he played some Erik Satie they both liked. They had their usual glass of wine and talked. She didn’t want to seem forward, but she hugged him anyway. They slipped back into their usual ways. But now, she hugged him when he left to go home.
    Days passed and they slipped back into their comfortable routine. She noticed, though, he never played his romantic music anymore. He never played any music. She would put something on the record player herself because she wanted him pleased when he was with her.
    The days also brought her to the knowledge that she had the need
to
love, as well as her lifelong desire to
be
loved. Weldon had become someone she could share her joys with, her enthusiasms, and her sad moments. And her business, he was integral to that.
    At one point, she thought, “I could open my own business . . . for myself. I have money.” After only a few moments she realized Weldon Forest was the impetus for her success. The location, the clientele, the very atmosphere of success. “And it is him, him, him, who has made my whole life so good, so full, so wonderful, so new, so grand. He really