me, you should know I feel exactly the same way about you.”
His heart seemed to stop beating at that.
She touched her other hand to her chest and then to his. “There’s like a cord that stretches between us. Right here. And I don’t think there’s anything in the world that could break it.”
Hot and cold rushed over him at once, a great terrible wave of hope and fear and something that felt like rage. “I know what could break it. I could break it.”
“Nick—”
“And I don’t think I could survive that.”
He couldn’t sit still any longer. He leapt to his feet, throwing off her hand, kicking up leaves and dirt and pine needles as he backed away fast.
“Look, kiddo,” he said. “We have to forget what happened in the last couple days. Try to figure out how to be friends again. Because I can’t do both at the same time—sex and caring about somebody. They’re just in two different categories for me. They have to be in two different categories.”
“ Why ?”
“Sex equals... leaving .” His fists clenched shut. “And I don’t want to leave you.”
She stared at him, confused, her brow contracted. “Then don’t,” she said. “Just don’t. Don’t leave.”
She made it sound so simple.
And it made his body ache to hear it.
But the thought of hurting her, and of losing her, was so much worse.
“Shit, Amber,” he said. “ Think for a second. We were up there in the meadow together, and the next morning I was fucking Ruby Torres.” The lie hurt coming out of his mouth, but it didn’t matter. It might as well have been the truth, and Amber needed to believe it. “Remember that? That’s me. That’s what I do.”
There was nothing she could say to deny that, and they both knew it.
He slapped a palm to the left side of his chest. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m broken in here. Cracked. Deficient. Born with a general malfunction of the heart. Yes, I can be a good friend to you—somehow, miraculously. I’d die for you, in a millisecond. But I can’t be a—a lover . I just can’t.”
A spasm of pain crossed her face as he spoke, and then he just couldn’t take it anymore. He snatched up the straps of his camera bags and yanked them up over his shoulders in a clatter of metal and plastic and headed back down the hill without another word.
He left the lanterns behind.
Amber would need them to find her own way safely down.
Because that was the only way she ever would be safe, safe and happy— without him .
Chapter Six
Amber made it through another morning of filming before she had to escape behind the Ranger’s Station and just lean against the split-rail fence there underneath the aspen trees and try to breathe. She could get through this. Somehow.
You were just experimenting, Nick had said.
Everything he’d told her kept echoing through her head, weighing down her heart.
Sex means leaving . You know what I am. We were together in the meadow and the next morning I fucked Ruby Torres .
I’m broken in here , he’d said, Deficient . And clearly he really believed it.
Was it true? She knew he cared about her as a friend—truly, and deeply. But was he really just not... wired for more than that?
Her stomach hurt. Her body felt heavy, and at the same time she thought she might jump out of her skin. Just above her head, an aspen branch bobbed in the breeze, shivering its heart-shaped leaves at her, taunting her. She snapped off a twig and began stabbing her thumbnails along the veins of the leaves, shredding them into tiny green strips.
Maybe Nick was right after all. About everything. Maybe she was the one who wasn’t seeing clearly. No question, she was going through a huge change, cutting loose from old ties and trying to figure out where her life was going next. She had every reason to be confused.
She didn’t like to consider the possibility, but maybe the whole reason her relationship with Nick had worked so well for so long
His heart seemed to stop beating at that.
She touched her other hand to her chest and then to his. “There’s like a cord that stretches between us. Right here. And I don’t think there’s anything in the world that could break it.”
Hot and cold rushed over him at once, a great terrible wave of hope and fear and something that felt like rage. “I know what could break it. I could break it.”
“Nick—”
“And I don’t think I could survive that.”
He couldn’t sit still any longer. He leapt to his feet, throwing off her hand, kicking up leaves and dirt and pine needles as he backed away fast.
“Look, kiddo,” he said. “We have to forget what happened in the last couple days. Try to figure out how to be friends again. Because I can’t do both at the same time—sex and caring about somebody. They’re just in two different categories for me. They have to be in two different categories.”
“ Why ?”
“Sex equals... leaving .” His fists clenched shut. “And I don’t want to leave you.”
She stared at him, confused, her brow contracted. “Then don’t,” she said. “Just don’t. Don’t leave.”
She made it sound so simple.
And it made his body ache to hear it.
But the thought of hurting her, and of losing her, was so much worse.
“Shit, Amber,” he said. “ Think for a second. We were up there in the meadow together, and the next morning I was fucking Ruby Torres.” The lie hurt coming out of his mouth, but it didn’t matter. It might as well have been the truth, and Amber needed to believe it. “Remember that? That’s me. That’s what I do.”
There was nothing she could say to deny that, and they both knew it.
He slapped a palm to the left side of his chest. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m broken in here. Cracked. Deficient. Born with a general malfunction of the heart. Yes, I can be a good friend to you—somehow, miraculously. I’d die for you, in a millisecond. But I can’t be a—a lover . I just can’t.”
A spasm of pain crossed her face as he spoke, and then he just couldn’t take it anymore. He snatched up the straps of his camera bags and yanked them up over his shoulders in a clatter of metal and plastic and headed back down the hill without another word.
He left the lanterns behind.
Amber would need them to find her own way safely down.
Because that was the only way she ever would be safe, safe and happy— without him .
Chapter Six
Amber made it through another morning of filming before she had to escape behind the Ranger’s Station and just lean against the split-rail fence there underneath the aspen trees and try to breathe. She could get through this. Somehow.
You were just experimenting, Nick had said.
Everything he’d told her kept echoing through her head, weighing down her heart.
Sex means leaving . You know what I am. We were together in the meadow and the next morning I fucked Ruby Torres .
I’m broken in here , he’d said, Deficient . And clearly he really believed it.
Was it true? She knew he cared about her as a friend—truly, and deeply. But was he really just not... wired for more than that?
Her stomach hurt. Her body felt heavy, and at the same time she thought she might jump out of her skin. Just above her head, an aspen branch bobbed in the breeze, shivering its heart-shaped leaves at her, taunting her. She snapped off a twig and began stabbing her thumbnails along the veins of the leaves, shredding them into tiny green strips.
Maybe Nick was right after all. About everything. Maybe she was the one who wasn’t seeing clearly. No question, she was going through a huge change, cutting loose from old ties and trying to figure out where her life was going next. She had every reason to be confused.
She didn’t like to consider the possibility, but maybe the whole reason her relationship with Nick had worked so well for so long
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