Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft Page B
Authors: Lundy Bancroft
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or insist that he meet his responsibilities.
Many men feel specifically entitled to use violence. A recent study of college males studying psychology, published in 1997, found that 10 percent believed that it was acceptable to hit a female partner for refusing to have sex, and 20 percent believed that it was acceptable to do so if the man suspected her of cheating. Studies have found similar statistics regarding young men’s belief that they have the right to force a female to have sex if they have spent a substantial amount of money on the evening’s entertainment or if the woman started wanting sex but then changed her mind. These studies point to the importance of focusing on changing the entitled attitudes of abusers, rather than attempting to find something wrong in their individual psychology.
T HE A BUSER’S O UTLOOK ON THE W OMAN’S A NGER
The abusive man’s problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is:
Y OUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
Why does your partner react so strongly to your anger? One reason may be that he considers himself above reproach, as I discussed above. The second is that on some level he senses—though not necessarily consciously—that there is power in your anger . If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than your own. In this way he ensures that he retains the exclusive right to be the one who shows anger.
T HE A BUSER’S O WN A NGER
Once you grasp the nature of entitlement, the following concept about the abusive man becomes clear:
H E ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.
The abuser’s unfair and unrealistic expectations ensure that his partner can never follow all of his rules or meet all of his demands. The result is that he is frequently angry or enraged. This dynamic was illustrated on a recent talk show by a young man who was discussing his abuse of his present wife. He said that his definition of a good relationship was: “Never arguing and saying you love each other every day.” He told the audience that his wife “deserved” his mistreatment because she wasn’t living up to this unrealistic image. It wouldn’t do any good to send this young man, or any other abuser, to an anger-management program, because his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change.
----
R EALITY #3:
He twists things into their opposites.
----
Emile, a physically violent client with whom I worked, gave me the following account of his worst assault on his wife: “One day Tanya went way overboard with her mouth, and I got so pissed off that I grabbed her by the neck and put her up against the wall.” With his voice filled with indignation, he said, “Then she tried to knee me in the balls! How would you like it if a woman
Many men feel specifically entitled to use violence. A recent study of college males studying psychology, published in 1997, found that 10 percent believed that it was acceptable to hit a female partner for refusing to have sex, and 20 percent believed that it was acceptable to do so if the man suspected her of cheating. Studies have found similar statistics regarding young men’s belief that they have the right to force a female to have sex if they have spent a substantial amount of money on the evening’s entertainment or if the woman started wanting sex but then changed her mind. These studies point to the importance of focusing on changing the entitled attitudes of abusers, rather than attempting to find something wrong in their individual psychology.
T HE A BUSER’S O UTLOOK ON THE W OMAN’S A NGER
The abusive man’s problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is:
Y OUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
Why does your partner react so strongly to your anger? One reason may be that he considers himself above reproach, as I discussed above. The second is that on some level he senses—though not necessarily consciously—that there is power in your anger . If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than your own. In this way he ensures that he retains the exclusive right to be the one who shows anger.
T HE A BUSER’S O WN A NGER
Once you grasp the nature of entitlement, the following concept about the abusive man becomes clear:
H E ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.
The abuser’s unfair and unrealistic expectations ensure that his partner can never follow all of his rules or meet all of his demands. The result is that he is frequently angry or enraged. This dynamic was illustrated on a recent talk show by a young man who was discussing his abuse of his present wife. He said that his definition of a good relationship was: “Never arguing and saying you love each other every day.” He told the audience that his wife “deserved” his mistreatment because she wasn’t living up to this unrealistic image. It wouldn’t do any good to send this young man, or any other abuser, to an anger-management program, because his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change.
----
R EALITY #3:
He twists things into their opposites.
----
Emile, a physically violent client with whom I worked, gave me the following account of his worst assault on his wife: “One day Tanya went way overboard with her mouth, and I got so pissed off that I grabbed her by the neck and put her up against the wall.” With his voice filled with indignation, he said, “Then she tried to knee me in the balls! How would you like it if a woman
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