Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft Page A

each other.” But I notice that when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around. And when he doesn’t feel like focusing on her at all, he doesn’t bother.
    An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.
    Sexual caretaking means that he considers it his partner’s duty to keep him sexually satisfied. He may not accept having his sexual advances rejected, yet turn her down whenever he feels like it. Even her pleasure exists for his benefit: If she doesn’t reach orgasm, for example, he may resent her for it because he wants the pleasure of seeing himself as a great lover.
    Not all abusive men have great interest in sex. Some are too busy with outside relationships or use substances that diminish their sex drive. A few are gay, using their female partners for window dressing. Some of my clients can feel attracted to a woman only as part of a domination fantasy. This style of abuser loses interest in sex if his partner starts to assert herself as an equal human being deserving of respect, or he begins to coerce or assault her sexually. In short, he wants sex on his terms or not at all.
    Deference refers to the abuser’s entitlement to have his tastes and opinions treated as edicts. Once he has made the pronouncement that a certain movie is shallow, or that Louise was trying to seduce Jay at the picnic, or that Republicans don’t know how to manage the economy, his partner is supposed to accept his view unquestioningly. It is especially important to him that she not disagree with him in front of other people; if she does, he may later yell at her, “You made me look like a fool, you’re always out to show me up,” and similar accusations. His unstated rule is that she is not to question his ideas.
    Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is “nagging” or “provoking” him. He believes he should be permitted to ignore the damage his behavior is causing, and he may become retaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look at it. I had the following exchange with a man who was new to my program:
    BANCROFT: Can you explain to me why you are joining this abuser group?
    HANK: Well, I slapped my girl a few weeks ago, and now she says I can’t come back in the house unless I get counseling.
    BANCROFT: What led up to your abuse? Were you arguing?
    HANK: Yes. And she accused me of having an affair! That really pissed me off!
    BANCROFT: Well, were you having an affair?
    HANK (Pause, a little startled by my question): Well, yeah…but she had no proof! She shouldn’t go saying things like that when she has no proof!
    Hank reserved for himself the privilege of being critical of his partner, a privilege that he exercised a great deal. Complaints against him, including drawing any attention to how his behavior had hurt other people in the family, he was quick to stifle. In Hank’s case, the retaliation took the form of a physical assault.
    The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct