you did that,” or “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I …,” or even more subtle cues like “hurt” or “cold” looks. Statements like these are similar in meaning and intent to those used when we were conditioned to become automatically anxious as children. When we did things that annoyed adults and older children, to control our behavior they told us things like: “If you keep that up (unspoken: if you still annoy me), the boogie man will get you (unspoken: I won’t like you anymore and won’t protect you from him).” When told, “I’ll remember that (I won’t like you anymore and maybe I’ll get back at you someday),” the anxious adult makes a judgment that conditions are still the same as when he was a helpless child and required the goodwill and friendship of everyone else to be safe and happy. If, in coping with these intimidating hints of possible future reprisals, you make your own judgment on whether or not you need the goodwill of everyone else to be happy, you are more likely—sensibly and assertively—to reply: “I don’t understand, why will you remember that?” or “I don’t understand, it sounds like you won’t like me anymore.” Your behavior does not have to be liked or admired by those you deal with, nor do you have to be anxious because you may not be liked ; all that counts is getting across the finish line. You get no points for form and style. You still get theprize no matter if you fall, slip, trip, or dash proudly through the wire!
Many of us seem to have great difficulty in simply saying “No” to requests made of us or even invitations to us. Somehow we assume—whether we are aware of it or not—that either the other person is too weak to cope with our refusal and will be offended, or a relationship is impossible to maintain without 100 per cent mutual agreement. Daily examples of the results of this nonassertive belief can be seen when other people invite you out to join them in some social activity. How comfortable do you feel in assertively revealing your true state by saying simply and openly: “No, I just don’t feel like it this weekend. Let’s try it another time?” Instead you invent “good” reasons that will not allow the other person to get irritated, feel rebuffed, and possibly dislike you. Most of us follow this inane behavior pattern because of our childish belief that we cannot function properly if we do things that cause other people to remove their goodwill toward us, even a little bit. Although generalizations are suspect and typically useless, our behavior in this area is sufficiently childish to prompt me to make this observation: one cannot live in terror of hurting other people’s feelings. Sometimes one offends. That’s life in the big city!
ASSERTIVE RIGHT VIII
You have the right to be
illogical in making decisions .
Logic is a reasoning process all of us can use sometimes to help in making our judgments about many things, including ourselves. Not all logical statements are true, however, nor can our logical reasoning always predict what will happen in every situation. In particular, logic is not much help in dealing with our own and other people’s wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic and reasoning generally deal with yesses or noes, black or white, and all or nothing as an input to the logical process. But in fact our wants, motivations, and emotionsare usually not apparent to us in terms of all or nothing. Often we have mixed emotions about things and people. Our emotions are felt in different degrees at different times and places. We may even want different things at the same time. Logic and reasoning don’t work easily in dealing with such “illogical” gray areas of our human condition. Logical reasoning may not help us much in understanding why we want what we want or in solving problems created by conflicting motivations.
On the other hand, logic is a great help to other people in dealing with your behavior if
Many of us seem to have great difficulty in simply saying “No” to requests made of us or even invitations to us. Somehow we assume—whether we are aware of it or not—that either the other person is too weak to cope with our refusal and will be offended, or a relationship is impossible to maintain without 100 per cent mutual agreement. Daily examples of the results of this nonassertive belief can be seen when other people invite you out to join them in some social activity. How comfortable do you feel in assertively revealing your true state by saying simply and openly: “No, I just don’t feel like it this weekend. Let’s try it another time?” Instead you invent “good” reasons that will not allow the other person to get irritated, feel rebuffed, and possibly dislike you. Most of us follow this inane behavior pattern because of our childish belief that we cannot function properly if we do things that cause other people to remove their goodwill toward us, even a little bit. Although generalizations are suspect and typically useless, our behavior in this area is sufficiently childish to prompt me to make this observation: one cannot live in terror of hurting other people’s feelings. Sometimes one offends. That’s life in the big city!
ASSERTIVE RIGHT VIII
You have the right to be
illogical in making decisions .
Logic is a reasoning process all of us can use sometimes to help in making our judgments about many things, including ourselves. Not all logical statements are true, however, nor can our logical reasoning always predict what will happen in every situation. In particular, logic is not much help in dealing with our own and other people’s wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic and reasoning generally deal with yesses or noes, black or white, and all or nothing as an input to the logical process. But in fact our wants, motivations, and emotionsare usually not apparent to us in terms of all or nothing. Often we have mixed emotions about things and people. Our emotions are felt in different degrees at different times and places. We may even want different things at the same time. Logic and reasoning don’t work easily in dealing with such “illogical” gray areas of our human condition. Logical reasoning may not help us much in understanding why we want what we want or in solving problems created by conflicting motivations.
On the other hand, logic is a great help to other people in dealing with your behavior if
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