When Elves Attack by Tim Dorsey Page B

‘Jim!’ And I say, ‘What?’ And she detonates, but I still don’t know what I’ve done.”
    â€œWhat did you do?”
    â€œWhat did he do?” said City. “He wasn’t paying attention!”
    â€œBut it was a touchdown,” said Serge.
    â€œSo football’s more important than his wife?” said Country.
    â€œBut it was the tying score,” said Coleman.
    â€œIt’s just a stupid game,” said City. “He needs to keep his eyes on the bowl at all times.”
    Serge scoffed. “It’s not like he’s capturing a rattlesnake.”
    â€œIt’s worse!” said City. “It’s symbolic of his disrespect for her contributions to their union.”
    Jim sagged against the table. “That’s what Martha said.”
    â€œWhat about the explaining?” asked Serge.
    â€œShe said if I really wanted to see the touchdown, I could have stopped going.”
    â€œBut you can’t stop the stream,” said Serge.
    â€œYes he could have,” said City.
    â€œIt’s impossible,” said Coleman.
    â€œNo it’s not,” said Country. “Men just don’t want to make the commitment.”
    Serge shook his head and turned back to Jim. “You were saying?”
    â€œSo then I tried explaining that it was no big deal, meaning if there were any drops, I could quickly wipe them up, but she took it to mean that all her hard work keeping the house nice was no big deal.”
    â€œThat’s an easy one,” said Serge. “With women, you don’t get to pick the meaning of what you mean. They do. All men understand this.”
    â€œWhat’s that supposed to mean?” said Country.
    â€œIt means that when you’re arguing, you have to watch your words carefully.”
    â€œYou just don’t respect women,” said City.
    â€œThat’s not what I meant,” said Serge.
    â€œDon’t try to take back what you said!”
    Serge sighed. “I think we’ve made a breakthrough. Up to now, the division between the sexes was this: liking and not liking the Three Stooges. Who would have thought it was actually touchdowns and peeing?”
    Country offered the whiskey bottle. “Another round, Jim?”
    He shook his head. “Better not on an empty stomach.”
    Serge slapped his forehead. “Where’s our hospitality? The first guest to our new family castle and we haven’t offered him anything . . . Coleman, get him something to eat.”
    â€œLike what?”
    â€œAnything.” Serge stood. “Country, come with me. I want to show you something. I’m taking Christmas big!”
    They left the table and walked around the corner.
    A half hour passed.
    â€œSerge? . . .” said Coleman. “Serge, where are you?” He walked through the kitchen. “Serge? . . .”
    He turned down the hall and stopped. There they were beneath the mistletoe. Serge and Country, buck naked on the hardwood floor humping their brains out.
    â€œ . . . Yes! . . . Faster! . . .” Country’s teeth gnashed. “ . . . Harder! Fuck it harder! . . .”
    â€œSerge,” said Coleman, “I thought you were just supposed to kiss beneath the mistletoe.”
    Serge looked up and smiled. “I’m taking Christmas big! . . . Why are you interrupting us?”
    â€œIt’s Jim,” said Coleman. “I think we might have a problem.”

Chapter Nine
    MR. DAVENPORT
    Serge jumped up. “What’s the matter with Jim? What kind of problem?”
    Coleman pointed back in the general direction of the living room. “You need to come see.”
    Serge zipped up some shorts. “Country, don’t move. I’ll be right back.”
    Coleman led the way. “He’s in here.”
    The pair approached the living room. “What’s that music?” said Serge. “It