NORFOLK
I will leave you now, to weigh your decision.
(Norfolk bows deeply and heads for the door)
ANNE BOLEYN
(after him)
Norfolk.
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty?
ANNE BOLEYN
What if I grant the divorce, renounce the throne, but invoke the blessing of the pope?
LORD NORFOLK
Then you shall be drawn and quartered by four large horses. Then the quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters will be drawn and quartered by four frogs. After that, the quartering would stop and the mincing would begin.
ANNE BOLEYN
I see. And my head?
LORD NORFOLK
Your head would be placed on a pike.
ANNE BOLEYN
On a fish, Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
No, Your Majesty, a “spike” pike.
ANNE BOLEYN
(alarmed)
Oh, Norfolk! What about the crows? Would they not attack my face?
LORD NORFOLK
We would put a wire cage over your head. It would keep out the crows, but smaller birds would be able to shoulder their way through the bars.
ANNE BOLEYN
And I suppose yellow jackets could get through?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
And June bugs?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes. But June bugs wouldn’t really do any harm. They just sort of crawl around on your face…
(Norfolk illustrates)
ANNE BOLEYN
Could a small scarecrow be attached to my forehead?
LORD NORFOLK
Again, I will inquire into the matter, Your Majesty. But now, I will take my leave.
(Norfolk bows and starts to exit)
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
(a little wearily)
Yes , Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
What if I just do everything they ask?
LORD NORFOLK
In that case, your head will be chopped off, and then it will be shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
How many times?
LORD NORFOLK
I’m not sure. It seems to be really arbitrary.
ANNE BOLEYN
And my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be folded up and also shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
Would my head ever be shot at my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It might, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yewww! What happens to my head after that?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be wrapped up like a present and sent anonymously to a stranger. The royal entourage would hide in the bushes to see the expression on the stranger’s face when he opened it.
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk, you may inform the king I have made my decision: I will grant the divorce, renounce the throne, and have my head…cut off.
LORD NORFOLK
Very well, Your Majesty. Now, is that the one where we put your head on the wall? I’m lost.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yes, that’s the one.
LORD NORFOLK
I will take my leave now, Your Majesty.
(He bows)
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
The executioner—is he skilled?
LORD NORFOLK
Very skilled, madam. He has been sent for from Calais.
(Execution room. Norfolk and the assembled members of the court are spattered with blood from off-camera. Ax thuds.)
ANNE BOLEYN
(off-camera)
YOWWWWWWW!!!! OWWW!!
WOWWWWWW!! OHHH-YEOWWWW!!!
WHOA, MAMA!!!!
ANNOUNCER
The execution of Anne Boleyn took six and a half hours and three axes, and was one of the bloodiest in royal history. At one point, Anne Boleyn cried out that she would rather be burned at the stake, but it was decided to carry on. Later, her head was placed atop a pike, which swam away, never to be seen again.
(Fade)
Broadcast Nov. 21, 1987
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
(Bleak, frozen wasteland)
ANNOUNCER
One hundred thousand years ago, a cave man was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He
I will leave you now, to weigh your decision.
(Norfolk bows deeply and heads for the door)
ANNE BOLEYN
(after him)
Norfolk.
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty?
ANNE BOLEYN
What if I grant the divorce, renounce the throne, but invoke the blessing of the pope?
LORD NORFOLK
Then you shall be drawn and quartered by four large horses. Then the quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters will be drawn and quartered by four frogs. After that, the quartering would stop and the mincing would begin.
ANNE BOLEYN
I see. And my head?
LORD NORFOLK
Your head would be placed on a pike.
ANNE BOLEYN
On a fish, Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
No, Your Majesty, a “spike” pike.
ANNE BOLEYN
(alarmed)
Oh, Norfolk! What about the crows? Would they not attack my face?
LORD NORFOLK
We would put a wire cage over your head. It would keep out the crows, but smaller birds would be able to shoulder their way through the bars.
ANNE BOLEYN
And I suppose yellow jackets could get through?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
And June bugs?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes. But June bugs wouldn’t really do any harm. They just sort of crawl around on your face…
(Norfolk illustrates)
ANNE BOLEYN
Could a small scarecrow be attached to my forehead?
LORD NORFOLK
Again, I will inquire into the matter, Your Majesty. But now, I will take my leave.
(Norfolk bows and starts to exit)
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
(a little wearily)
Yes , Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
What if I just do everything they ask?
LORD NORFOLK
In that case, your head will be chopped off, and then it will be shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
How many times?
LORD NORFOLK
I’m not sure. It seems to be really arbitrary.
ANNE BOLEYN
And my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be folded up and also shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
Would my head ever be shot at my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It might, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yewww! What happens to my head after that?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be wrapped up like a present and sent anonymously to a stranger. The royal entourage would hide in the bushes to see the expression on the stranger’s face when he opened it.
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk, you may inform the king I have made my decision: I will grant the divorce, renounce the throne, and have my head…cut off.
LORD NORFOLK
Very well, Your Majesty. Now, is that the one where we put your head on the wall? I’m lost.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yes, that’s the one.
LORD NORFOLK
I will take my leave now, Your Majesty.
(He bows)
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
The executioner—is he skilled?
LORD NORFOLK
Very skilled, madam. He has been sent for from Calais.
(Execution room. Norfolk and the assembled members of the court are spattered with blood from off-camera. Ax thuds.)
ANNE BOLEYN
(off-camera)
YOWWWWWWW!!!! OWWW!!
WOWWWWWW!! OHHH-YEOWWWW!!!
WHOA, MAMA!!!!
ANNOUNCER
The execution of Anne Boleyn took six and a half hours and three axes, and was one of the bloodiest in royal history. At one point, Anne Boleyn cried out that she would rather be burned at the stake, but it was decided to carry on. Later, her head was placed atop a pike, which swam away, never to be seen again.
(Fade)
Broadcast Nov. 21, 1987
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
(Bleak, frozen wasteland)
ANNOUNCER
One hundred thousand years ago, a cave man was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He
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