fungus.
And now, robot Elton John will play “Candle in the Wind.”
Deer Heads
(A sportsman’s study. A sportsman [Harvey Keitel] chews on a cigar and holds a Tom Collins. He stands next to a deer head mounted on a wall.)
SPORTSMAN
Hi. Welcome to my deer heads. This first deer is a real beauty, as you can see. Big fella. Ten-pointer. I got him about three years ago.
(Sportsman moves down the wall to the next deer head, which is smaller)
…This is a smaller one I shot the next year.
(He moves to next deer head, which is smaller)
…This is a baby deer.
(He moves to the next deer head, even smaller.)
…And this one is the baby of that deer.
(He refers to previous baby deer, then proceeds to the next deer head, which is even smaller)
…This is a little miniature deer I got as a pet. I got tired of it and shot it.
(Moves to even smaller deer head)
…Now this little freak deer. A scientist friend of mine developed it. The thing was actually killed by the automatic tennis ball server.
(Moves on to next tiny mounted head)
…This is a mouse. A friend of mine asked me if it was a deer mouse. ( Laughs ) I said, “I don’t know, but it’d be funny if it was, though!”
(Coughs, then comes to a little plastic deer head)
…This is what we call a toy deer. I bought it at Toys “R” Us and cut its head off and stuck it up there.
(Moves to next wall mount)
…This is a really big ant I found.
(Moves on to three little mounts in a row)
…And these are its eggs.
(Comes to a microscope mounted on the wall)
…Now, this, I don’t know if you can get your camera in there or not…
(Camera “looks” in microscope)
…Go ahead and look in there…
(Dissolve to a microscope slide of germs)
…In the upper left-hand corner—you see that thing? That is a deer. Or at least that’s my theory. And if I can get my hands on one of those electron scalpels, or whatever you call them, I think I can cut its head off.
(Sportsman looks at his empty glass)
Well, it looks like I need a refill.
(He walks over to the bar and makes himself a drink)
ANNOUNCER
This has been “An Insane Idiot and His Collection of Descending-Sized Deer Heads.”
(Fade)
Broadcast Jan. 16, 1993
Anne Boleyn
(A cell in the Tower of London. Anne Boleyn [Candice Bergen] looks wistfully out the barred window. Lord Norfolk [Phil Hartman] enters and bows.)
ANNE BOLEYN
Oh, Norfolk! Pray, what news from my beloved husband, the king?
LORD NORFOLK
It bodes ill, Your Majesty. The king…demands your death.
ANNE BOLEYN
(shaken)
I feared as much. What manner of execution is it to be?
LORD NORFOLK
The choosing is yours, my lady.
ANNE BOLEYN
How so, Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
If you grant the king a divorce, and renounce any claim to the throne, you shall be beheaded. If you do not, then you shall…be burned at the stake.
(Anne Boleyn weighs this)
ANNE BOLEYN
After I am beheaded, what will happen to my head?
LORD NORFOLK
It will be placed on top of a wall for public display. People will be allowed to throw things at it in attempts to knock it off the wall.
ANNE BOLEYN
How many throws will each person get before another person gets to throw?
LORD NORFOLK
Three.
ANNE BOLEYN
Will they be allowed to throw anything?
LORD NORFOLK
Within reason.
ANNE BOLEYN
Would a rotten potato be considered reasonable?
LORD NORFOLK
I’m afraid it would, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
But I mean a really rotten one, all mushy and such.
(Norfolk nods reluctantly)
ANNE BOLEYN
And when my head is knocked off the wall, will the dirt and mud be brushed off my face before it is set back on the wall?
LORD NORFOLK
I am not sure, Your Majesty. I will inquire.
ANNE BOLEYN
Thank you, Norfolk.
LORD
And now, robot Elton John will play “Candle in the Wind.”
Deer Heads
(A sportsman’s study. A sportsman [Harvey Keitel] chews on a cigar and holds a Tom Collins. He stands next to a deer head mounted on a wall.)
SPORTSMAN
Hi. Welcome to my deer heads. This first deer is a real beauty, as you can see. Big fella. Ten-pointer. I got him about three years ago.
(Sportsman moves down the wall to the next deer head, which is smaller)
…This is a smaller one I shot the next year.
(He moves to next deer head, which is smaller)
…This is a baby deer.
(He moves to the next deer head, even smaller.)
…And this one is the baby of that deer.
(He refers to previous baby deer, then proceeds to the next deer head, which is even smaller)
…This is a little miniature deer I got as a pet. I got tired of it and shot it.
(Moves to even smaller deer head)
…Now this little freak deer. A scientist friend of mine developed it. The thing was actually killed by the automatic tennis ball server.
(Moves on to next tiny mounted head)
…This is a mouse. A friend of mine asked me if it was a deer mouse. ( Laughs ) I said, “I don’t know, but it’d be funny if it was, though!”
(Coughs, then comes to a little plastic deer head)
…This is what we call a toy deer. I bought it at Toys “R” Us and cut its head off and stuck it up there.
(Moves to next wall mount)
…This is a really big ant I found.
(Moves on to three little mounts in a row)
…And these are its eggs.
(Comes to a microscope mounted on the wall)
…Now, this, I don’t know if you can get your camera in there or not…
(Camera “looks” in microscope)
…Go ahead and look in there…
(Dissolve to a microscope slide of germs)
…In the upper left-hand corner—you see that thing? That is a deer. Or at least that’s my theory. And if I can get my hands on one of those electron scalpels, or whatever you call them, I think I can cut its head off.
(Sportsman looks at his empty glass)
Well, it looks like I need a refill.
(He walks over to the bar and makes himself a drink)
ANNOUNCER
This has been “An Insane Idiot and His Collection of Descending-Sized Deer Heads.”
(Fade)
Broadcast Jan. 16, 1993
Anne Boleyn
(A cell in the Tower of London. Anne Boleyn [Candice Bergen] looks wistfully out the barred window. Lord Norfolk [Phil Hartman] enters and bows.)
ANNE BOLEYN
Oh, Norfolk! Pray, what news from my beloved husband, the king?
LORD NORFOLK
It bodes ill, Your Majesty. The king…demands your death.
ANNE BOLEYN
(shaken)
I feared as much. What manner of execution is it to be?
LORD NORFOLK
The choosing is yours, my lady.
ANNE BOLEYN
How so, Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
If you grant the king a divorce, and renounce any claim to the throne, you shall be beheaded. If you do not, then you shall…be burned at the stake.
(Anne Boleyn weighs this)
ANNE BOLEYN
After I am beheaded, what will happen to my head?
LORD NORFOLK
It will be placed on top of a wall for public display. People will be allowed to throw things at it in attempts to knock it off the wall.
ANNE BOLEYN
How many throws will each person get before another person gets to throw?
LORD NORFOLK
Three.
ANNE BOLEYN
Will they be allowed to throw anything?
LORD NORFOLK
Within reason.
ANNE BOLEYN
Would a rotten potato be considered reasonable?
LORD NORFOLK
I’m afraid it would, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
But I mean a really rotten one, all mushy and such.
(Norfolk nods reluctantly)
ANNE BOLEYN
And when my head is knocked off the wall, will the dirt and mud be brushed off my face before it is set back on the wall?
LORD NORFOLK
I am not sure, Your Majesty. I will inquire.
ANNE BOLEYN
Thank you, Norfolk.
LORD
Similar Books
