living in San Diego for over thirty-six hours. I paused on my way out the door to send a smile in the direction of the four ladies who still sat in their booth, and I heard a squeal erupt from their table when as the door slammed shut behind me. I grinned as I stepped out into the sun and pulled my aviators from the v-neck of my shirt and threw them on, feeling pretty damn good about myself.
I could smell the salt in the air as I strolled down the sidewalk on the five minute walk to the beach from Skips. The sidewalks were surprisingly crowded for a Tuesday afternoon in early February, particularly because it was much too cold out to get in the water with the air temperature at a brisk fifty-nine degrees.
I took my shoes and socks off when I got to the sand and rolled my jeans up a bit. I was wearing just a t-shirt with my jeans, and I found it was chilly near the water. A breeze blew by and I felt the cold slice through me.
I found a rock big enough to sit on, and I dropped my shoes in the sand next to me as I took a seat. I felt relaxed and content and really, really glad I had moved to San Diego.
I was excited to start my job the next day, knowing it would allow me to focus on something other than the relationships I managed to keep fucking up in my life.
I thought of Gorgeous first. My nickname for her was certainly fitting, but more than that, she had wanted me as much as I had wanted her. It started out so innocently, but that’s not how it ended up. Just thinking about her, about those sexy dimples in her lower back just above her ass, was enough for TJ to twitch in my pants. I still wanted her, painfully so, but I had to face the truth: She was not a viable option for me.
Next I thought of Tracy. She was a nice girl and we’d had some fun, but I couldn’t form something with her beyond that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that our hook up had probably been a mistake. It might make for an easy friends with benefits type relationship, but I had to clearly mark the line for us. I couldn’t allow her to fall in deeper than friendship because I just wasn’t in the place for it.
And finally, I thought about Jules. I wondered what she was doing on this Tuesday afternoon. She was probably at work, or maybe not because of her accident. She may have been at home, or maybe at Nick’s place. I still didn’t know why he got to be with her when I didn’t, and I vaguely wondered how much damage I had done to their relationship after my talk with Nick. The look on his face told me that she hadn’t told him what had happened between us, and I suddenly felt bad for being the one to tell him. The way I had treated Jules hadn’t been right. I had acted on impulse rather than on logic, and I knew that was something that I needed to work on. But in the moment of anger, it felt like the right thing to do. That didn’t justify it, and I felt like crap about it, but I couldn’t change it now anyway.
But at the same time, I felt like I was suddenly thriving without her in my life. Loving her had always just been a part of me. It was a piece of who I was. And now that I had cut her out of my life, I realized how toxic the way I had lived my life around her had been. I had never allowed myself to get fully involved with someone else because I had always just assumed that I would end up with Jules. And that was no way to live. Even though it hurt my head and my heart to think about it, cutting her out for the time being was probably the best thing for me. I missed her like crazy, but I had to move on from her, and the only way to do that was to be away from her. I hated it because I needed her friendship as much as I had wanted something more than that, but I had other people in my life who could help me pick up the pieces Jules had left behind.
I was feeling grateful once again for my family as a text buzzed through from my sister. It was a picture text from the someecards.com website. That was kind of her
I could smell the salt in the air as I strolled down the sidewalk on the five minute walk to the beach from Skips. The sidewalks were surprisingly crowded for a Tuesday afternoon in early February, particularly because it was much too cold out to get in the water with the air temperature at a brisk fifty-nine degrees.
I took my shoes and socks off when I got to the sand and rolled my jeans up a bit. I was wearing just a t-shirt with my jeans, and I found it was chilly near the water. A breeze blew by and I felt the cold slice through me.
I found a rock big enough to sit on, and I dropped my shoes in the sand next to me as I took a seat. I felt relaxed and content and really, really glad I had moved to San Diego.
I was excited to start my job the next day, knowing it would allow me to focus on something other than the relationships I managed to keep fucking up in my life.
I thought of Gorgeous first. My nickname for her was certainly fitting, but more than that, she had wanted me as much as I had wanted her. It started out so innocently, but that’s not how it ended up. Just thinking about her, about those sexy dimples in her lower back just above her ass, was enough for TJ to twitch in my pants. I still wanted her, painfully so, but I had to face the truth: She was not a viable option for me.
Next I thought of Tracy. She was a nice girl and we’d had some fun, but I couldn’t form something with her beyond that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that our hook up had probably been a mistake. It might make for an easy friends with benefits type relationship, but I had to clearly mark the line for us. I couldn’t allow her to fall in deeper than friendship because I just wasn’t in the place for it.
And finally, I thought about Jules. I wondered what she was doing on this Tuesday afternoon. She was probably at work, or maybe not because of her accident. She may have been at home, or maybe at Nick’s place. I still didn’t know why he got to be with her when I didn’t, and I vaguely wondered how much damage I had done to their relationship after my talk with Nick. The look on his face told me that she hadn’t told him what had happened between us, and I suddenly felt bad for being the one to tell him. The way I had treated Jules hadn’t been right. I had acted on impulse rather than on logic, and I knew that was something that I needed to work on. But in the moment of anger, it felt like the right thing to do. That didn’t justify it, and I felt like crap about it, but I couldn’t change it now anyway.
But at the same time, I felt like I was suddenly thriving without her in my life. Loving her had always just been a part of me. It was a piece of who I was. And now that I had cut her out of my life, I realized how toxic the way I had lived my life around her had been. I had never allowed myself to get fully involved with someone else because I had always just assumed that I would end up with Jules. And that was no way to live. Even though it hurt my head and my heart to think about it, cutting her out for the time being was probably the best thing for me. I missed her like crazy, but I had to move on from her, and the only way to do that was to be away from her. I hated it because I needed her friendship as much as I had wanted something more than that, but I had other people in my life who could help me pick up the pieces Jules had left behind.
I was feeling grateful once again for my family as a text buzzed through from my sister. It was a picture text from the someecards.com website. That was kind of her
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