pool, I debate again my decision to give her some space, some time.
I wanted to run down the drive, search for her on the country road that night. But seeing the concern on Cary’s face at the crazed one on mine was enough to knock some sense into me. The valets were useless, but I assumed that Red found a willing helper to give her a ride. I knew I wouldn’t find her walking that’s for certain.
I snort, I’m sure she had a nice ride. I try not to think too long on that. I can distract myself with all the other ways she pissed me off instead.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that she left or left with only a short note that has me more enraged. I kept expecting her to show up. Not to come crawling back to me, that’s not her style. Not Grace’s either. But I thought Red would come walking through my door with some smartass response ready. Or Grace would come back expecting an apology in her quiet, sweet way.
But she didn’t and I no longer hold out hope that she will.
So I have two choices. Three I guess. Forget her. Not really an option, since I’ve tried it before and failed. And I just don’t want to. She’s my obsession and I’m too far gone now to give her up.
So that leaves me with finding her and forcing her back here. A thought that makes me feel oddly sickened. Probably because it’s just what she accused me of before she left. Treating her like one of my products.
I thought she knew that she was more than that to me. I thought she understood so much more than she did apparently. Or maybe it’s her batshit nuttiness getting in the way. But I’ll have to make her see what she means to me. If I can just get past the anger over her leaving.
I can imagine taking my rage out on her. I smile with the thought of Red in an elaborate twist of chains and ropes and leathers. I’d whip her once for every letter in her fucking short note, then start all over again.
But the reality of knowing that I’ll have to deal with not only Red, but Grace and the others…Fuck. I’ve never felt remorse before. It’s disgusting.
Grace had said that I could love her or hurt her, but I couldn’t break her, that she was already too broken. She said I was broken too. And maybe I am. Because I promised not to hurt her, but then treated her like she was just a product. Threatened to toss her in my cave and torture her. Fuck, even reminded her of all the women I’ve done just that to.
I can’t blame her for wanting to leave. But I can’t forgive her either. And I sure as shit can’t forget her. I’ll give her a little more time, but eventually she’s going to have to come to terms with a simple fact. She’s mine. Broken or not, mad or not, she belongs with me.
Which is why I’ve chosen option three. Wait until she’s cooled off before finding her. I don’t like it, but this option at least gives me some hope that she’d return to me on her own. That whatever fucked up relationship we were starting could work out between Grace, Red, the others and me. I just have no clue how to make that happen just yet.
So I’m giving her space, giving her time. Waiting. Fuck. Giving myself this space and time too. My anger hasn’t subsided though. Hope she’s having better luck, because when I do find her…I let my threat stay unspoken, even in my own head. I have no idea what I’ll do when I see her again.
I thought I needed time to figure this out; but now that I’ve had some, I know it’s no use. There is no figuring out us. It is what it is. Red fuels my depravity, leaving me exposed and raw with the emotions she so eagerly reveals and desires; and in the next second, Grace soothes my cravings, leaving me ripped open and vulnerable to the softness she so readily shares. And it’s everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed and I’m so fucking pissed off at her for throwing it all away with one fucking short ass note that I want to explode with the desire to find her and fuck the shit out of her.
My
I wanted to run down the drive, search for her on the country road that night. But seeing the concern on Cary’s face at the crazed one on mine was enough to knock some sense into me. The valets were useless, but I assumed that Red found a willing helper to give her a ride. I knew I wouldn’t find her walking that’s for certain.
I snort, I’m sure she had a nice ride. I try not to think too long on that. I can distract myself with all the other ways she pissed me off instead.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that she left or left with only a short note that has me more enraged. I kept expecting her to show up. Not to come crawling back to me, that’s not her style. Not Grace’s either. But I thought Red would come walking through my door with some smartass response ready. Or Grace would come back expecting an apology in her quiet, sweet way.
But she didn’t and I no longer hold out hope that she will.
So I have two choices. Three I guess. Forget her. Not really an option, since I’ve tried it before and failed. And I just don’t want to. She’s my obsession and I’m too far gone now to give her up.
So that leaves me with finding her and forcing her back here. A thought that makes me feel oddly sickened. Probably because it’s just what she accused me of before she left. Treating her like one of my products.
I thought she knew that she was more than that to me. I thought she understood so much more than she did apparently. Or maybe it’s her batshit nuttiness getting in the way. But I’ll have to make her see what she means to me. If I can just get past the anger over her leaving.
I can imagine taking my rage out on her. I smile with the thought of Red in an elaborate twist of chains and ropes and leathers. I’d whip her once for every letter in her fucking short note, then start all over again.
But the reality of knowing that I’ll have to deal with not only Red, but Grace and the others…Fuck. I’ve never felt remorse before. It’s disgusting.
Grace had said that I could love her or hurt her, but I couldn’t break her, that she was already too broken. She said I was broken too. And maybe I am. Because I promised not to hurt her, but then treated her like she was just a product. Threatened to toss her in my cave and torture her. Fuck, even reminded her of all the women I’ve done just that to.
I can’t blame her for wanting to leave. But I can’t forgive her either. And I sure as shit can’t forget her. I’ll give her a little more time, but eventually she’s going to have to come to terms with a simple fact. She’s mine. Broken or not, mad or not, she belongs with me.
Which is why I’ve chosen option three. Wait until she’s cooled off before finding her. I don’t like it, but this option at least gives me some hope that she’d return to me on her own. That whatever fucked up relationship we were starting could work out between Grace, Red, the others and me. I just have no clue how to make that happen just yet.
So I’m giving her space, giving her time. Waiting. Fuck. Giving myself this space and time too. My anger hasn’t subsided though. Hope she’s having better luck, because when I do find her…I let my threat stay unspoken, even in my own head. I have no idea what I’ll do when I see her again.
I thought I needed time to figure this out; but now that I’ve had some, I know it’s no use. There is no figuring out us. It is what it is. Red fuels my depravity, leaving me exposed and raw with the emotions she so eagerly reveals and desires; and in the next second, Grace soothes my cravings, leaving me ripped open and vulnerable to the softness she so readily shares. And it’s everything I ever wanted and never knew I needed and I’m so fucking pissed off at her for throwing it all away with one fucking short ass note that I want to explode with the desire to find her and fuck the shit out of her.
My
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