Lordship’s questions. I’ve never given evidence before.’
Petula then proceeded to cry. ‘I didn’t want to come here,’ she half sobbed.
‘Would you like to sit down?’ said the judge.
‘Yes, please, my Lord.’
‘Very well, then. Now, compose yourself and answer the questions. I wanted to know the sort of kiss it was.’
‘Well, my Lord, if I answer the question, perhaps you’ll say I’m being impertinent, and if I don’t, you’ll say I must. What shall I do?’
‘Answer the question, madam. You know quite well what is meant by being impertinent.’
‘Well, my Lord, there are so many different kinds of kisses. There is the sort of kiss which — well — the sort of kiss — well, not the sort you’d give anyone in the witness box.’
‘Madam, will you kindly behave yourself. You know the difference between an ordinary good-night kiss and a kiss of passion.’
‘Oh, yes, my Lord,’ said Petula, rather too eagerly.
‘Well, which was this?’
‘Well, it wasn’t a good-night kiss, because it was in the afternoon, but I don’t think it could have been a passionate kiss either.’
‘Why not?’
‘Such a silly position.’
‘What did they say when you came in?’
‘I think it was “Hullo”?’
‘Did they seem embarrassed?’
‘I don’t think so. They did mention that they thought I was back early. I was a little early, as a matter of fact. I’d gone to see a friend of mine who was just recovering from flu and when I got there —’
‘Please, Mrs Drewe, it is quite sufficient to say you were back early.’
‘I was back early, my Lord.’
‘Did you see them kiss just the once or more than once?’
‘D’you mean on that occasion?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well — it’s very difficult to say whether a kiss is one long kiss or several short ones. One has to be doing it, you know, and then I suppose one wouldn’t be counting. Let’s call it a kiss and a half.’
‘We won’t call it anything, Mrs Drewe. We want to know what you saw.’
‘Well — I just saw them kissing, my Lord. I hadn’t got —’ And Petula stopped in the middle.
‘You hadn’t got what?’
‘Well, my Lord, I stopped because you might have thought it impertinent.’
In this rather unusual case, where the truth might be expected to pop out all of a sudden and from an unexpected quarter, the Judge felt he should risk the impertinence.
‘You had better tell me. What hadn’t you got?’
‘A machine for measuring the kiss, my Lord.’ The judge said nothing for a second. Then he said: ‘This is a Court of law, Mrs Drewe, and I shall not give you another chance. You know quite well that that remark was intended to be impertinent. No, it’s no use snivelling. The waterworks do not impress me.’
‘Now, with regard to presents,’ went on Mr Malton, mercifully. ‘What do you say about them?’
‘What do I say about presents?’ sniffed Petula.
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I like them.’
‘Yes, yes. We all do. But what do you say about the presents your husband gave Mrs Merridew?’
‘They were very nice.’
‘Did he give them with your approval?’
‘Oh — yes, certainly.’
‘And did he always get you one at the same time?’
‘Oh — yes, I think so.’
‘And does that include the underclothes — brassieres and so on?’
‘He never got me a brassiere.’
‘He never bought you one?’
‘No. I’m afraid I don’t wear them, my Lord.’
‘Then why should he buy one for Mrs Merridew?’
‘She does, my Lord. If your Lordship will look at the two of us, your Lordship will see that I have what they call a boyish figure, while Mrs Merridew —’
The Judge looked at the clock instead.
‘I think we will adjourn for lunch now,’ he said. After the adjournment, Petula went back into the witness box. Mr Malton felt he had better finish off the brassiere.
‘Did you mind your husband getting Mrs Merridew a brassiere?’
‘Not at all.’
‘Was there anything strange in his
Petula then proceeded to cry. ‘I didn’t want to come here,’ she half sobbed.
‘Would you like to sit down?’ said the judge.
‘Yes, please, my Lord.’
‘Very well, then. Now, compose yourself and answer the questions. I wanted to know the sort of kiss it was.’
‘Well, my Lord, if I answer the question, perhaps you’ll say I’m being impertinent, and if I don’t, you’ll say I must. What shall I do?’
‘Answer the question, madam. You know quite well what is meant by being impertinent.’
‘Well, my Lord, there are so many different kinds of kisses. There is the sort of kiss which — well — the sort of kiss — well, not the sort you’d give anyone in the witness box.’
‘Madam, will you kindly behave yourself. You know the difference between an ordinary good-night kiss and a kiss of passion.’
‘Oh, yes, my Lord,’ said Petula, rather too eagerly.
‘Well, which was this?’
‘Well, it wasn’t a good-night kiss, because it was in the afternoon, but I don’t think it could have been a passionate kiss either.’
‘Why not?’
‘Such a silly position.’
‘What did they say when you came in?’
‘I think it was “Hullo”?’
‘Did they seem embarrassed?’
‘I don’t think so. They did mention that they thought I was back early. I was a little early, as a matter of fact. I’d gone to see a friend of mine who was just recovering from flu and when I got there —’
‘Please, Mrs Drewe, it is quite sufficient to say you were back early.’
‘I was back early, my Lord.’
‘Did you see them kiss just the once or more than once?’
‘D’you mean on that occasion?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well — it’s very difficult to say whether a kiss is one long kiss or several short ones. One has to be doing it, you know, and then I suppose one wouldn’t be counting. Let’s call it a kiss and a half.’
‘We won’t call it anything, Mrs Drewe. We want to know what you saw.’
‘Well — I just saw them kissing, my Lord. I hadn’t got —’ And Petula stopped in the middle.
‘You hadn’t got what?’
‘Well, my Lord, I stopped because you might have thought it impertinent.’
In this rather unusual case, where the truth might be expected to pop out all of a sudden and from an unexpected quarter, the Judge felt he should risk the impertinence.
‘You had better tell me. What hadn’t you got?’
‘A machine for measuring the kiss, my Lord.’ The judge said nothing for a second. Then he said: ‘This is a Court of law, Mrs Drewe, and I shall not give you another chance. You know quite well that that remark was intended to be impertinent. No, it’s no use snivelling. The waterworks do not impress me.’
‘Now, with regard to presents,’ went on Mr Malton, mercifully. ‘What do you say about them?’
‘What do I say about presents?’ sniffed Petula.
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I like them.’
‘Yes, yes. We all do. But what do you say about the presents your husband gave Mrs Merridew?’
‘They were very nice.’
‘Did he give them with your approval?’
‘Oh — yes, certainly.’
‘And did he always get you one at the same time?’
‘Oh — yes, I think so.’
‘And does that include the underclothes — brassieres and so on?’
‘He never got me a brassiere.’
‘He never bought you one?’
‘No. I’m afraid I don’t wear them, my Lord.’
‘Then why should he buy one for Mrs Merridew?’
‘She does, my Lord. If your Lordship will look at the two of us, your Lordship will see that I have what they call a boyish figure, while Mrs Merridew —’
The Judge looked at the clock instead.
‘I think we will adjourn for lunch now,’ he said. After the adjournment, Petula went back into the witness box. Mr Malton felt he had better finish off the brassiere.
‘Did you mind your husband getting Mrs Merridew a brassiere?’
‘Not at all.’
‘Was there anything strange in his
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