Vampires Need Not...Apply? by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff Page A

he’s the God of Temptation,” Ixtab blurted out. “And I’d bet my best pair of flip-flops, he compelled Kinich to want your blood more than anything on the planet.”
    * * *
    “I did what you asked, Cimil. And not only didn’t it work, but Ixtab discovered us.” Zac stared out the tinted window from the back of the limo at the passing cars, talking into his phone.
    “Hmmm. That does sound like a furry pickle,” Cimil replied.
    “This isn’t a fucking joke! I’ve lost her. And I’ll be tried for treason. This is all your fucking fault. Why the hell did I listen to you?”
    “Roberto! The microwave is beeping!” Cimil cleared her throat. “Sorry, Zac, my potpie is ready. Where was I?”
    Cimil was so damned lucky he didn’t know where she was. Otherwise, he’d go there now and squeeze the life right out of her.
    “Let me think. I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever loved!” Zac bellowed. “That’s where we fucking were! And after seventy thousand years, I finally discovered my gift only to face banishment. Oh yeah. And they’ll strip away my powers!”
    “Banishment? Strip power? That sounds awful. What the heck did you do?” she asked.
    She was going to play the “I’m Stupid” game, was she? “I’m going to kill you, Cimil. And then, when you get a new body, I’ll kill you again.”
    “Now, now, brother. Calm down. You don’t see Minky getting in a tizzy when things don’t go her way.”
    “Minky is a unicorn.”
Strangle, strangle, strangle her…
    “Shhhh… She might hear you. Minky thinks she’s a vampire who turns into a bat. How else would she be able to fly? Anyhooooo, the truth is that I didn’t want to tell you.”
    “Tell me what?” he asked.
    “The truth. I didn’t want to tell you the truth.”
    “Which is?” he asked reluctantly.
    “Roberto! Potpie! Now!” Cimil barked and then returned to her conversation. “You think a vampire with that sort of hearing would get that the microwave’s beckoning him to bring me my savory snack.”
    “Cimiiil? Truth!” Zac growled.
    “Truth? Truth? Oh, shucks. Where did I put it this time? Hold on, brother. Now let me see… Oh, look! I found an original bionic man doll!”
    Zac heard clanks and crashing in the background.
    “Where the hell are you, Cimil?”
    “Popping tags with Roberto,” she replied.
    “Popping what?” he asked.
    Cimil growled. “You shame Macklemore—I’m at a thrift store. Where else would a goddess find a microwave for her potpie and new pair of pink hot pants? And a Lee Majors doll! Score!”
    Zac felt his face simmer with red-hot anger. “I’m going to hunt you. Then I’m going to rip out your—”
    “Truth! I found it! Here is it. The truth is that everything is going according to plan,” she said.
    “You mean I won’t be tried for treason? I still have a chance to win Penelope away from that prick of a brother?”
    “No. Not that plan. The other plan.”
    What the fuck?
“Mind explaining.” Now Zac wanted to retch.
    “Yes. I mind. But I will tell you this: everything will work out as it should, brother. Now, do you remember when I told you to make sure you had a safe place to hide and to tell no one of its whereabouts? Where is it?” she asked.
    “I’m not telling you anything.” No. He’d never trust Cimil again. And if it was the last thing he did, he’d make her pay.
    “Fine. Be that way. Where’s the love? Seriously. All right, go to your hiding place and stay there until you are found.”
    “Who’s going to find me?” he asked.
    “Well, I am, silly,” she replied. “Do you think I’d let you get away with what you’ve done? Tootles.”
    “But I did what you—!” The call ended and Zac had the distinct feeling that he’d just been duped into doing Cimil’s evil handiwork. Maybe he should go to his brethren and confess immediately before things got any worse. Wouldn’t they understand this situation? He couldn’t help that he loved Penelope, and he’d be