Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas Page B

touching that can make your insides melt. Let’s explore the deep deliciousness of conscious touch.

Sex, whether Tantric or not, involves touch. Lots of touch. Traditional sex guides usually discuss which body part to touch, when to touch it, and how fast to touch it. This is great, as far as it goes. But in Tantra, we want to go a step further. We want to become the touch. In order to do that, we need to find the narrow realm of touch that lies between too much pressure and too little. When you touch the body, you want to touch deeply enough that the body pushes back just a little. If a muscle becomes rigid under your touch, you’ve gone too far. If the muscle feels flaccid, you haven’t gone far enough.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance
    This is the essence of conscious touch. It was named the Resilient Edge of Resistance by my endlessly inventive teaching partner, Chester Mainard. If the concept of the Resilient Edge of Resistance sounds complicated or vague, think about all the times you’ve been touched. What does it feel like when someone’s touch is too tentative? It may feel like an annoying tickle, or—if they are using the tips of their fingers—it may feel like poking. Either way, it feels just plain icky. At the other end of the spectrum, some people’s touch is way too intense. Have you ever received a massage by someone with a really heavy touch? Your muscles tense and contract as if trying to push their hands away. You get more and more tense as they try to force your muscles to relax. It is painful and not at all relaxing. Then there’s the touch that is just right. It feels safe and supportive and present. It’s neither too hard nor too soft. It lulls you into a place of deep comfort and surrender. You’re awake and aware, but completely peaceful and relaxed at the same time. You want it to go on forever. The person touching you has found your Resilient Edge of Resistance.
    Place your hand on your lower arm very lightly. Don’t apply any pressure. Notice what this feels like. Now massage your arm, applying increasingly more pressure. Stop at the point where the massage becomes painful. Notice what this feels like. Now lighten your touch until you find the point at which your arm yields to your touch butdoes not shrink away from it. You might find it with a massage stroke using your fingers, or just by holding your arm.
    I’ve always thought a good illustration of the edge of resistance is the tummy touch on the Pillsbury doughboy in those television commercials. When the doughboy is touched on his tummy, he absorbs the touch (the finger makes a little dimple on his tummy); then his doughy tummy springs right back, and the doughboy giggles. That’s the Resilient Edge of Resistance.
    This same dynamic applies to all parts of our being: physical, emotional, and psychic. When we have too much mental stress in our lives, we shut down, overwhelmed; yet when there is too little stress, we have no energy, no motivation. On the psychic level, the Resilient Edge of Resistance translates into “sufficiently supported to take a risk.” Without risk, there is no growth or energy; however, without support, risk becomes recklessness. In the territory between, we can grow, thrive, and find pleasure. We function optimally at the Resilient Edge of Resistance.
    The Resilient Edge of Resistance shifts constantly. When pressure is applied to the edge of resistance—whether that pressure is breath, touch, or tension—you expand a bit. This creates a new edge of resistance. Yoga postures are a good example of this. If you are seated on the floor and bend over to try to touch your forehead to your legs, it may at first seem impossible. Then, with each breath, you relax into the stretch a little bit more. You don’t force it, you just open up a bit more with each breath. Before you know it, your nose is a lot closer to your legs than you ever thought possible. By staying at the Resilient Edge of Resistance, you are