if I do, he’ll see what I am. He’ll know what I did. He’ll know that I wasn’t strong enough to stop it.
“Okay.”
I listen to the creak of Brand’s crutches as he walks out, then I brush my teeth and wash my face.
My fingers still shake. The sick feeling lingers.
I’m alone. I’m so fucking alone.
I know that Brand is in the other room, and I know that even if miracle of miracles, I manage to make him want me this summer, he’d never want me if he knew what I’ve done. He’d never want me, and I could never take seeing the repulsion on his face if he ever found out.
He can never find out.
I wouldn’t be able to take the rejection.
I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills sitting on my nightstand. I haven’t been able to sleep without them for months, ever since it happened. While I hesitate to put anything chemical in my body now, anything mind-altering, I know that if I don’t take these blessed little pills, I’ll never sleep again.
I’ll never sleep again because I’m afraid of the shadows, and of what they might bring. I have good reason.
I gulp it down, and lean back, waiting for sweet oblivion. It comes rather quickly and I fall asleep breathing in the sweet lavender smell of my pillow.
Unfortunately, as sometimes happens, the pills also bring vivid dreams, or in this case, nightmares.
Memories.
The problem is, even though I know they’re nightmares, it’s hard to wake up. It’s like I’m tied to the bed, like I once was, unable to move.
My body writhes as I try to get away.
Hands.
Hot breath.
Straps.
Slaps.
Pinches.
Sucks.
Bites.
Pain.
Skin rubbing mine.
I’m too weak to move.
I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I wake up screaming.
And as I sit up and open my eyes, I see the only thing that makes me feel safe.
Brand.
Chapter Nine
Brand
Nora’s shrill screams had woken me from a dead slumber. I’d leaped from bed and twisted my knee in the process, but it sounded like the hounds of hell were literally at her tail from the way she was screaming.
But now, I see she was only dreaming.
Her face is devoid of all color, so pale it almost looks silver as she sits in the light of the moon. Her hands are twisted in the sheets so tightly that her knuckles are white.
She looks up and sees me, and relief floods her face.
“Brand,” she breathes.
She’s limp and still and I fight the urge to cross the room and pull her to me. She seems so helpless and alone.
“Is everything all right?” I say instead, remaining in the doorway.
She nods. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I just…had a bad dream.”
I know all about bad dreams.
I clear my throat, very aware that Nora is naked in her sheets. She doesn’t seem to even notice, so I know that her fear right now is very real.
“Okay. I just wanted to make sure.”
I turn to leave, but her voice stops me.
“Wait.”
I turn back and her face is pensive.
“Can you stay?”
She’s naked.
“Uh. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Because she’s naked and this is not a smart thing.
She hardly lets me finish before she interrupts.
“Please. I don’t want to be alone.”
The panic I see in her blue eyes does me in and I sigh.
“Okay.”
There’s no other place in this small bedroom to sit other than the bed. So Nora slides over a bit, and I drop onto the other side of the bed. I stay on top of the covers.
“Thank you.”
Nora’s voice is small as she huddles back down into the bed. I glance down and find that only her nose is sticking out, and a few tendrils of dark red hair. Her fingers are still tightly wound around the sheets.
I smile in the dark, then reach over and pry her fingers loose, straightening them out, forcing her to relax her grip.
Her eyes open.
“What are you afraid of?” I ask her quietly, staring into them.
She
“Okay.”
I listen to the creak of Brand’s crutches as he walks out, then I brush my teeth and wash my face.
My fingers still shake. The sick feeling lingers.
I’m alone. I’m so fucking alone.
I know that Brand is in the other room, and I know that even if miracle of miracles, I manage to make him want me this summer, he’d never want me if he knew what I’ve done. He’d never want me, and I could never take seeing the repulsion on his face if he ever found out.
He can never find out.
I wouldn’t be able to take the rejection.
I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills sitting on my nightstand. I haven’t been able to sleep without them for months, ever since it happened. While I hesitate to put anything chemical in my body now, anything mind-altering, I know that if I don’t take these blessed little pills, I’ll never sleep again.
I’ll never sleep again because I’m afraid of the shadows, and of what they might bring. I have good reason.
I gulp it down, and lean back, waiting for sweet oblivion. It comes rather quickly and I fall asleep breathing in the sweet lavender smell of my pillow.
Unfortunately, as sometimes happens, the pills also bring vivid dreams, or in this case, nightmares.
Memories.
The problem is, even though I know they’re nightmares, it’s hard to wake up. It’s like I’m tied to the bed, like I once was, unable to move.
My body writhes as I try to get away.
Hands.
Hot breath.
Straps.
Slaps.
Pinches.
Sucks.
Bites.
Pain.
Skin rubbing mine.
I’m too weak to move.
I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I wake up screaming.
And as I sit up and open my eyes, I see the only thing that makes me feel safe.
Brand.
Chapter Nine
Brand
Nora’s shrill screams had woken me from a dead slumber. I’d leaped from bed and twisted my knee in the process, but it sounded like the hounds of hell were literally at her tail from the way she was screaming.
But now, I see she was only dreaming.
Her face is devoid of all color, so pale it almost looks silver as she sits in the light of the moon. Her hands are twisted in the sheets so tightly that her knuckles are white.
She looks up and sees me, and relief floods her face.
“Brand,” she breathes.
She’s limp and still and I fight the urge to cross the room and pull her to me. She seems so helpless and alone.
“Is everything all right?” I say instead, remaining in the doorway.
She nods. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I just…had a bad dream.”
I know all about bad dreams.
I clear my throat, very aware that Nora is naked in her sheets. She doesn’t seem to even notice, so I know that her fear right now is very real.
“Okay. I just wanted to make sure.”
I turn to leave, but her voice stops me.
“Wait.”
I turn back and her face is pensive.
“Can you stay?”
She’s naked.
“Uh. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Because she’s naked and this is not a smart thing.
She hardly lets me finish before she interrupts.
“Please. I don’t want to be alone.”
The panic I see in her blue eyes does me in and I sigh.
“Okay.”
There’s no other place in this small bedroom to sit other than the bed. So Nora slides over a bit, and I drop onto the other side of the bed. I stay on top of the covers.
“Thank you.”
Nora’s voice is small as she huddles back down into the bed. I glance down and find that only her nose is sticking out, and a few tendrils of dark red hair. Her fingers are still tightly wound around the sheets.
I smile in the dark, then reach over and pry her fingers loose, straightening them out, forcing her to relax her grip.
Her eyes open.
“What are you afraid of?” I ask her quietly, staring into them.
She
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