Blanca suddenly asked, as though he had been gone for just a day.
“Who knows?” answered the director, alarmed by Blanca’s question.
Theresa was more open.
“They wait for seven days,” she said, “and if after seven days the person doesn’t return, that means he’ll never return, that he decided of his own free will to go to the world of truth. He had enough of the confusion and the lies and the suffering that disfigures us. I’ve been working here for twenty years. It’s never happened that someone has come back after a long absence.” Her voice had a grave and direct quality, like that of someone who has decided not to conceal the truth, even if it’s cruel.
Blanca drew near to her. “Have we lost all hope?”
“One mustn’t deceive people. I hate deceivers. Death isn’t as horrible as we imagine it to be.”
Blanca held out her hand, as though trying to cut her off, but Theresa wouldn’t stop.
“The next world is better,” she said, as she went to get Blanca a bowl of soup. “Believe me.”
“Thank you, but I have to return home,” said Blanca. “Adolf comes home at three thirty, sometimes even at three. If his meal isn’t ready, he’ll beat me.”
“Just don’t be afraid, my dear.”
“I’m not afraid anymore,” Blanca said, and hugged her.
“You mustn’t despair. We aren’t alone. There’s a God in heaven.”
“I know,” said Blanca, and she ran out to catch the noon train.
24
THAT VERY WEEK Blanca discovered she was pregnant. Fear seized her, and her body trembled. She didn’t tell Adolf a thing. Adolf kept on teaching her lessons, being angry with her and beating her. She would hold her breath and say to herself,
If he knew I was pregnant, he would let up
. She worked diligently in the house and in the garden. It seemed to her that if she worked hard and devotedly, she would placate him.
On Sundays his parents would come, and his brothers and sisters would cram into the house until there was no more room. The odor of beer would make her head spin, but Blanca tried to overcome that weakness as well. She would repeat to herself,
Real life isn’t soft the way it was in my parents’ house, but thick and solid. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is laboring under a delusion
. Now she tried to eat the way Adolf did, to sleep on her back the way he did, and to grow brown skin, but her body, to her misfortune, didn’t comply. Dizzy spells would attack her at times, and at night she would wake up and vomit. Finally, she told him she was pregnant.
“Pregnancy’s not a disease,” he responded.
“So why am I vomiting?”
“My sisters were pregnant, and they didn’t vomit.”
“Be merciful to me.” The words escaped from her lips.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I feel abandoned.”
“What are you talking about?”
Once a week she would sneak off to Himmelburg. Now it was her secret shelter. The director of the old age home had fallen ill meanwhile, and she lay in a narrow bed like one of the inmates. The welfare office of the Jewish community in Vienna promised to send a substitute director, but she was slow in arriving. From her sickbed, the director mumbled orders that could barely be understood. Theresa was now, in fact, the director. She fought with the cleaning women and with the suppliers, who threatened to sue the old age home for accumulated debts.
“Go ahead!” Theresa would say to them. “If they put the old people in prison, they’ll be better off. I’m prepared to go with them, too.” Blanca helped do laundry, clean the floors, and feed the weak residents. That exhausting work outside of her home brought her some relief, and every time she was able to escape, she did.
On one of her fleeting visits she told Theresa, “I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t expect any special treatment” was Theresa’s immediate reaction.
“He’ll keep beating me, even now?”
“He’ll keep on.”
“And what about the baby?”
“Protect it
“Who knows?” answered the director, alarmed by Blanca’s question.
Theresa was more open.
“They wait for seven days,” she said, “and if after seven days the person doesn’t return, that means he’ll never return, that he decided of his own free will to go to the world of truth. He had enough of the confusion and the lies and the suffering that disfigures us. I’ve been working here for twenty years. It’s never happened that someone has come back after a long absence.” Her voice had a grave and direct quality, like that of someone who has decided not to conceal the truth, even if it’s cruel.
Blanca drew near to her. “Have we lost all hope?”
“One mustn’t deceive people. I hate deceivers. Death isn’t as horrible as we imagine it to be.”
Blanca held out her hand, as though trying to cut her off, but Theresa wouldn’t stop.
“The next world is better,” she said, as she went to get Blanca a bowl of soup. “Believe me.”
“Thank you, but I have to return home,” said Blanca. “Adolf comes home at three thirty, sometimes even at three. If his meal isn’t ready, he’ll beat me.”
“Just don’t be afraid, my dear.”
“I’m not afraid anymore,” Blanca said, and hugged her.
“You mustn’t despair. We aren’t alone. There’s a God in heaven.”
“I know,” said Blanca, and she ran out to catch the noon train.
24
THAT VERY WEEK Blanca discovered she was pregnant. Fear seized her, and her body trembled. She didn’t tell Adolf a thing. Adolf kept on teaching her lessons, being angry with her and beating her. She would hold her breath and say to herself,
If he knew I was pregnant, he would let up
. She worked diligently in the house and in the garden. It seemed to her that if she worked hard and devotedly, she would placate him.
On Sundays his parents would come, and his brothers and sisters would cram into the house until there was no more room. The odor of beer would make her head spin, but Blanca tried to overcome that weakness as well. She would repeat to herself,
Real life isn’t soft the way it was in my parents’ house, but thick and solid. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is laboring under a delusion
. Now she tried to eat the way Adolf did, to sleep on her back the way he did, and to grow brown skin, but her body, to her misfortune, didn’t comply. Dizzy spells would attack her at times, and at night she would wake up and vomit. Finally, she told him she was pregnant.
“Pregnancy’s not a disease,” he responded.
“So why am I vomiting?”
“My sisters were pregnant, and they didn’t vomit.”
“Be merciful to me.” The words escaped from her lips.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I feel abandoned.”
“What are you talking about?”
Once a week she would sneak off to Himmelburg. Now it was her secret shelter. The director of the old age home had fallen ill meanwhile, and she lay in a narrow bed like one of the inmates. The welfare office of the Jewish community in Vienna promised to send a substitute director, but she was slow in arriving. From her sickbed, the director mumbled orders that could barely be understood. Theresa was now, in fact, the director. She fought with the cleaning women and with the suppliers, who threatened to sue the old age home for accumulated debts.
“Go ahead!” Theresa would say to them. “If they put the old people in prison, they’ll be better off. I’m prepared to go with them, too.” Blanca helped do laundry, clean the floors, and feed the weak residents. That exhausting work outside of her home brought her some relief, and every time she was able to escape, she did.
On one of her fleeting visits she told Theresa, “I’m pregnant.”
“Don’t expect any special treatment” was Theresa’s immediate reaction.
“He’ll keep beating me, even now?”
“He’ll keep on.”
“And what about the baby?”
“Protect it
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