I
couldn’t shake the feeling that he was supposed to be in my life. Maybe he was
just meant to be my friend. Then I remembered his kiss and all thoughts of
friendship were gone. You don’t kiss your friends that way. This was
impossible. I needed to think. I shut down my computer and headed home, trying
to shake the fog that settled over me.
Chapter Twelve
I felt numb.
I wasn’t sure what to think about what had just happened. I could barely
remember going to my car or the drive home. Owen’s words echoed in my head. I’m
kind of involved with someone . Even the echo of the memory tore into me,
causing my heart to contract. I should have known better than to let my heart
start to believe in whatever was happening between Owen and me. It was my own
fault. I’d let my walls down, I’d let him in even knowing that there were
obstacles between us. Funny how small those old obstacles seemed now that
there was a much bigger one at play.
I put on my
favorite flannel pants, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and sulked on the
couch like an adult. My mind was a mess. I spent way too long over-thinking
every conversation we’d had since he came back into my life. I thought about
our time in Texas and the sweet conversations that we had late into the night.
Almost every single night, he talked to me right before he went to sleep. Where
was his girlfriend? Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe it really was some
big charade just as he’d said. But that seemed too crazy even for me to latch
on to. It didn’t matter that Owen never lied to me. It didn’t matter that I’d
always trusted him completely or how every action he’d taken with me seemed to
prove how genuine he was, how genuine he always had been. At least with me.
But that was
then. And this new revolution had me doubting it all. The truth was all mixed
up and there was no way that I could get a handle on it. Not tonight.
I tossed and
turned trying to find the sanctuary of sleep. It was as if my body refused to
rest, waiting for the phone to ring and my goodnight call to begin. But it
didn’t come. I hadn’t expected it to. I’d told him I needed time and I did.
I needed it. Still, I missed his voice. I missed the calm that he brought me
as I let go of the stressors of the day. I missed him. Already. It proved
just how dangerous I’d let this whole situation become. Once again I was
jumping into something with my full heart, never bothering to check to make
sure that I wasn’t jumping alone.
Things didn’t
feel much clearer the next day. I was muddling, completely preoccupied. I was
grateful when Cassie shut my door and demanded I tell her what was wrong.
Unfortunately, she didn’t offer me much in the way of advice.
“I don’t know,
Al. It all just seems so weird. I can’t figure it out. It sounds like a
sham. Like he’s feeding you a story so he can keep you on the side. Chances
are that he and the chick are super serious.” Not what I wanted to hear, but
she was giving voice to my fears.
“But,” she
said thoughtfully. My heart thudded at the word. Hope. She was a real bitch.
She will take you down every single time. “I don’t know. I hear the way you
guys talk to each other. I can’t imagine that any of that is fake. And you
talk to him on the phone all the time. He’s not weird or secretive about it.
It doesn’t exactly paint the picture of cheating asshole boyfriend.”
“Right? I
know. It’s so confusing. I don’t know what to do. I told him I needed some
time to think about it. Should I just walk away? Do I try to be friends?
What do I do?” I pleaded with her to give me some kind of clear and definitive
answer. I was tired of thinking about it.
“I don’t know,
friend.” She gave me a sympathetic shrug.
“You are fired,”
I said. She laughed a little and then gave me a serious
couldn’t shake the feeling that he was supposed to be in my life. Maybe he was
just meant to be my friend. Then I remembered his kiss and all thoughts of
friendship were gone. You don’t kiss your friends that way. This was
impossible. I needed to think. I shut down my computer and headed home, trying
to shake the fog that settled over me.
Chapter Twelve
I felt numb.
I wasn’t sure what to think about what had just happened. I could barely
remember going to my car or the drive home. Owen’s words echoed in my head. I’m
kind of involved with someone . Even the echo of the memory tore into me,
causing my heart to contract. I should have known better than to let my heart
start to believe in whatever was happening between Owen and me. It was my own
fault. I’d let my walls down, I’d let him in even knowing that there were
obstacles between us. Funny how small those old obstacles seemed now that
there was a much bigger one at play.
I put on my
favorite flannel pants, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and sulked on the
couch like an adult. My mind was a mess. I spent way too long over-thinking
every conversation we’d had since he came back into my life. I thought about
our time in Texas and the sweet conversations that we had late into the night.
Almost every single night, he talked to me right before he went to sleep. Where
was his girlfriend? Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe it really was some
big charade just as he’d said. But that seemed too crazy even for me to latch
on to. It didn’t matter that Owen never lied to me. It didn’t matter that I’d
always trusted him completely or how every action he’d taken with me seemed to
prove how genuine he was, how genuine he always had been. At least with me.
But that was
then. And this new revolution had me doubting it all. The truth was all mixed
up and there was no way that I could get a handle on it. Not tonight.
I tossed and
turned trying to find the sanctuary of sleep. It was as if my body refused to
rest, waiting for the phone to ring and my goodnight call to begin. But it
didn’t come. I hadn’t expected it to. I’d told him I needed time and I did.
I needed it. Still, I missed his voice. I missed the calm that he brought me
as I let go of the stressors of the day. I missed him. Already. It proved
just how dangerous I’d let this whole situation become. Once again I was
jumping into something with my full heart, never bothering to check to make
sure that I wasn’t jumping alone.
Things didn’t
feel much clearer the next day. I was muddling, completely preoccupied. I was
grateful when Cassie shut my door and demanded I tell her what was wrong.
Unfortunately, she didn’t offer me much in the way of advice.
“I don’t know,
Al. It all just seems so weird. I can’t figure it out. It sounds like a
sham. Like he’s feeding you a story so he can keep you on the side. Chances
are that he and the chick are super serious.” Not what I wanted to hear, but
she was giving voice to my fears.
“But,” she
said thoughtfully. My heart thudded at the word. Hope. She was a real bitch.
She will take you down every single time. “I don’t know. I hear the way you
guys talk to each other. I can’t imagine that any of that is fake. And you
talk to him on the phone all the time. He’s not weird or secretive about it.
It doesn’t exactly paint the picture of cheating asshole boyfriend.”
“Right? I
know. It’s so confusing. I don’t know what to do. I told him I needed some
time to think about it. Should I just walk away? Do I try to be friends?
What do I do?” I pleaded with her to give me some kind of clear and definitive
answer. I was tired of thinking about it.
“I don’t know,
friend.” She gave me a sympathetic shrug.
“You are fired,”
I said. She laughed a little and then gave me a serious
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