do. Everything that I thought I knew, everything
that I thought was happening, had just been turned upside down.
“Ally,” his
voice startled me out of my thoughts.
“I’m here.” I
was buying time. I didn’t know what to say. It felt like my reaction to this
news would shape whatever happened next.
“I’m sorry. I
know I should have mentioned it from the beginning. But it’s such a
complicated situation. I didn’t know how to bring it up or explain it,” he
said. I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew this conversation wasn’t an
easy one for either of us.
“How long have
you been seeing each other? Is it exclusive? Are you…with her?” I tried to
figure out how to ask what I needed to know. I knew he understood when he took
a steadying breath.
“Ally, I’m not
going to lie to you anymore. I promise you that. We’ve been seeing each other
for about a year. We went into the whole thing like a business deal. It has
never been a big love affair. Yes, I’ve been with her. We get along and
sometimes we play the part a little better than others. I know it doesn’t make
sense. I know that for someone like you it just sounds slimy. I guess it is.
But it fit into the life I thought I was looking for. Work, success, and drama
free pseudo relationships. It’s who I’ve been for a long time.
“Talking to
you all this time has me questioning a lot of that. But the truth is I still
have that commitment to her and to my work. I’m not sure how to get out of
it. We are so close to getting what we wanted and now I am all a mess and…” He
searched for the right word.
“Distracted,”
I supplied.
“Yeah. I
guess so. I don’t want to lose us…you and me. I should never have lied to
you. I was just so afraid that you would run and to be honest, I wasn’t ready
to risk that. I meant it, when I said that you make me feel things that I
haven’t. It’s confusing to me. But I know that until I can make my life less
complicated that I have to step back. I keep getting sidetracked and lost in
you and it’s not fair to anyone involved.” He sounded defeated. I knew how he
felt. I had just had the rug pulled out from under me and I was spinning.
I tried to
process his words. My heart wanted to read between the lines of what he was
saying and make my own convenient conclusions, but I knew that was foolish.
Hearts are foolish.
“Say
something,” he begged after the silence hung between us for a long moment.
“Owen, I’m not
sure what to say. This is a lot to process,” I admitted. “I need time. I mean
what is it that you even want from me?” I asked.
“I just want
you around. I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you when I can.
I want my best friend…I want you to not run away,” he said.
I sighed, “I
need some time.” It was all I could offer him right now. I needed to get away
and just think about what he had said. I needed to see it all clearly and right
now it was just a big muddy mess.
“Okay. I get
it,” he said softly. We sat in silence for another long moment, neither of us
ready to break the connection, afraid of what it meant for the relationship
that we’d been building. I thought I knew him so well, but this was making me
question everything.
“I’ll talk to
you…soon. Okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, okay.”
I ended the call and sank down in my seat. I felt completely shell shocked.
The message screen on my computer mocked me. I could see our words from
earlier in the little box, they were carefree and easy. Nothing felt carefree
and easy anymore.
What in the
world was I supposed to do with this? Sure we could be friends, but could I go
back to that when each day I was falling for him a little more? It seemed
impossible. At the same time, I didn’t want to lose him again. These last few
months had reminded me of how special our connection had always been.
that I thought was happening, had just been turned upside down.
“Ally,” his
voice startled me out of my thoughts.
“I’m here.” I
was buying time. I didn’t know what to say. It felt like my reaction to this
news would shape whatever happened next.
“I’m sorry. I
know I should have mentioned it from the beginning. But it’s such a
complicated situation. I didn’t know how to bring it up or explain it,” he
said. I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew this conversation wasn’t an
easy one for either of us.
“How long have
you been seeing each other? Is it exclusive? Are you…with her?” I tried to
figure out how to ask what I needed to know. I knew he understood when he took
a steadying breath.
“Ally, I’m not
going to lie to you anymore. I promise you that. We’ve been seeing each other
for about a year. We went into the whole thing like a business deal. It has
never been a big love affair. Yes, I’ve been with her. We get along and
sometimes we play the part a little better than others. I know it doesn’t make
sense. I know that for someone like you it just sounds slimy. I guess it is.
But it fit into the life I thought I was looking for. Work, success, and drama
free pseudo relationships. It’s who I’ve been for a long time.
“Talking to
you all this time has me questioning a lot of that. But the truth is I still
have that commitment to her and to my work. I’m not sure how to get out of
it. We are so close to getting what we wanted and now I am all a mess and…” He
searched for the right word.
“Distracted,”
I supplied.
“Yeah. I
guess so. I don’t want to lose us…you and me. I should never have lied to
you. I was just so afraid that you would run and to be honest, I wasn’t ready
to risk that. I meant it, when I said that you make me feel things that I
haven’t. It’s confusing to me. But I know that until I can make my life less
complicated that I have to step back. I keep getting sidetracked and lost in
you and it’s not fair to anyone involved.” He sounded defeated. I knew how he
felt. I had just had the rug pulled out from under me and I was spinning.
I tried to
process his words. My heart wanted to read between the lines of what he was
saying and make my own convenient conclusions, but I knew that was foolish.
Hearts are foolish.
“Say
something,” he begged after the silence hung between us for a long moment.
“Owen, I’m not
sure what to say. This is a lot to process,” I admitted. “I need time. I mean
what is it that you even want from me?” I asked.
“I just want
you around. I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you when I can.
I want my best friend…I want you to not run away,” he said.
I sighed, “I
need some time.” It was all I could offer him right now. I needed to get away
and just think about what he had said. I needed to see it all clearly and right
now it was just a big muddy mess.
“Okay. I get
it,” he said softly. We sat in silence for another long moment, neither of us
ready to break the connection, afraid of what it meant for the relationship
that we’d been building. I thought I knew him so well, but this was making me
question everything.
“I’ll talk to
you…soon. Okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, okay.”
I ended the call and sank down in my seat. I felt completely shell shocked.
The message screen on my computer mocked me. I could see our words from
earlier in the little box, they were carefree and easy. Nothing felt carefree
and easy anymore.
What in the
world was I supposed to do with this? Sure we could be friends, but could I go
back to that when each day I was falling for him a little more? It seemed
impossible. At the same time, I didn’t want to lose him again. These last few
months had reminded me of how special our connection had always been.
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