Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) by Allison Burnett Page B
Authors: Allison Burnett
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hottest truly is a distraction.”
Whenever someone accuses you of something horrible, always admit it. People don’t expect it. It makes it much harder for them to hate you. Anton laughed and asked what brought me to Freddy’s party. I told him I had just broken up with two boyfriends on the same day and I was there to cheer myself up, but “so far so bad.”
Even though this was a direct insult, he laughed again. He obviously gets off on being abused.
“Where you goin’ to school?” he asked.
I told him about my academic limbo. He was impressedthat I had gotten into the school that took me but even more impressed that I had the guts to defer.
He said “I hear life after semesters is endless.”
I told him that it is, which is why I work full-time and blog. I thought that this would impress him but he made a smirky face and said “What is it about chicks and blogs? They all have ’em.”
What an arrogant ass.
“Not like mine,” I replied. “I just started it, like, seven weeks ago and it already gets between 750 and 1,000 discrete visitors a day.”
“Unless you’ve got a cam in your shower, no way.”
“Oh, I do,” I replied. “And another one in my toilet.”
I didn’t smile or even blink. He couldn’t tell whether I was joking or not.
He pulled out a handy pen. “What’s the URL?”
“Sorry, it’s anonymous.”
“Oh, I get it. You’re scared for your friends to know about it because it’s full of all the crap you tell your bestest friends over the phone only now you write it down for strangers to read instead.”
“Get laid much? Or ever?” I said, crossing my arms and giving him the hairy eyeball.
“Come on, you know I’m right! It’s totally self-indulgent, isn’t it? All about shoes and diets. And boys, of course.” Now he was really laughing. “Where’s my soul mate? Why can’t I meet him? Help!”
Normally I would never let a stranger hurt my feelings but my defenses were very low. I told him that everything he said was true. My blog was vomitous. I was a total cliché. When he saw I was about to cry he felt terrible. I was tempted to tell him the name of my blog just so he could see that I am a real person with a real life and that I hate trivia as much as he does. But I didn’t do it, thank god.
As I was leaving, he gave me his email address and said in a warm voice that he’d had a crush on me since freshman year and he’d love it if we could hang out before he went back to school. That was very sweet. I instantly forgave him for his cynical rudeness.
Jade emailed me while I was out. Of course I was right. She is in love. His name is J.D. and he works as a DJ. How funny is that? I wonder if he’s slysdexic. Ha! She says next time we hang out she’ll tell me all about him. I won’t hold my breath. There’s no excuse for what a failure she’s been as a friend.
Friday, December 21, 2007
I have tried all week not to sink into a giant depression, but it’s really hard not to when you are all alone in the world and there are Christmas lights everywhere. The nights are so cold and black. This is why I haven’t blogged. Too sad.
• • •
I have always had a boyfriend. My first was Jake Barsumian when I was 11. He put his hand up my shirt to rub my nonexistent boobies and I was so embarrassed I stayed home from school for three straight days. Since then I have pretty much had a boyfriend nonstop. There’s always a guy somewhere waiting for me to get single. One of my exes said to me “You treat guys like cigarettes. You chain them.”
I know I should be relieved that it’s over with Rory. Now we are both free to find something better. But I still miss having someone to talk to every day. I can’t help it. If I told this to Dan he would laugh and say “You miss him because you can’t stand being alone with yourself. You miss his worship.” He would be right.
Everyone is back for Christmas break but no one calls me.
Before
Whenever someone accuses you of something horrible, always admit it. People don’t expect it. It makes it much harder for them to hate you. Anton laughed and asked what brought me to Freddy’s party. I told him I had just broken up with two boyfriends on the same day and I was there to cheer myself up, but “so far so bad.”
Even though this was a direct insult, he laughed again. He obviously gets off on being abused.
“Where you goin’ to school?” he asked.
I told him about my academic limbo. He was impressedthat I had gotten into the school that took me but even more impressed that I had the guts to defer.
He said “I hear life after semesters is endless.”
I told him that it is, which is why I work full-time and blog. I thought that this would impress him but he made a smirky face and said “What is it about chicks and blogs? They all have ’em.”
What an arrogant ass.
“Not like mine,” I replied. “I just started it, like, seven weeks ago and it already gets between 750 and 1,000 discrete visitors a day.”
“Unless you’ve got a cam in your shower, no way.”
“Oh, I do,” I replied. “And another one in my toilet.”
I didn’t smile or even blink. He couldn’t tell whether I was joking or not.
He pulled out a handy pen. “What’s the URL?”
“Sorry, it’s anonymous.”
“Oh, I get it. You’re scared for your friends to know about it because it’s full of all the crap you tell your bestest friends over the phone only now you write it down for strangers to read instead.”
“Get laid much? Or ever?” I said, crossing my arms and giving him the hairy eyeball.
“Come on, you know I’m right! It’s totally self-indulgent, isn’t it? All about shoes and diets. And boys, of course.” Now he was really laughing. “Where’s my soul mate? Why can’t I meet him? Help!”
Normally I would never let a stranger hurt my feelings but my defenses were very low. I told him that everything he said was true. My blog was vomitous. I was a total cliché. When he saw I was about to cry he felt terrible. I was tempted to tell him the name of my blog just so he could see that I am a real person with a real life and that I hate trivia as much as he does. But I didn’t do it, thank god.
As I was leaving, he gave me his email address and said in a warm voice that he’d had a crush on me since freshman year and he’d love it if we could hang out before he went back to school. That was very sweet. I instantly forgave him for his cynical rudeness.
Jade emailed me while I was out. Of course I was right. She is in love. His name is J.D. and he works as a DJ. How funny is that? I wonder if he’s slysdexic. Ha! She says next time we hang out she’ll tell me all about him. I won’t hold my breath. There’s no excuse for what a failure she’s been as a friend.
Friday, December 21, 2007
I have tried all week not to sink into a giant depression, but it’s really hard not to when you are all alone in the world and there are Christmas lights everywhere. The nights are so cold and black. This is why I haven’t blogged. Too sad.
• • •
I have always had a boyfriend. My first was Jake Barsumian when I was 11. He put his hand up my shirt to rub my nonexistent boobies and I was so embarrassed I stayed home from school for three straight days. Since then I have pretty much had a boyfriend nonstop. There’s always a guy somewhere waiting for me to get single. One of my exes said to me “You treat guys like cigarettes. You chain them.”
I know I should be relieved that it’s over with Rory. Now we are both free to find something better. But I still miss having someone to talk to every day. I can’t help it. If I told this to Dan he would laugh and say “You miss him because you can’t stand being alone with yourself. You miss his worship.” He would be right.
Everyone is back for Christmas break but no one calls me.
Before
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