Chapter One
I'd spent an entire lifetime thinking that I'd never know what love felt like. I loved my family, but they weren't going to cuddle with me at night or bear my children. To me love was as unreal as unicorns and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. I knew people who swore that true love changed their entire lives, and I'd smile and wish them well, all the while knowing that that wasn't in my future.
My acceptance of my fate was absolute. I'd never even allowed myself to ponder what the alternative would feel like. I had a set of rules that I followed in order to hold myself aloof, but the truth is that it didn't even require effort. I'd seen what relationships looked like in my family, and I hated what I saw. Hated it, and still had the scars to remind myself of what that 'love' had done.
The one true love of my life was the love I had for my siblings, both by blood and honorary, and my Aunt Sandra. I'd pai d a high price to keep my family safe. I was the oldest, and it was my responsibility to protect them all. My love for my family was what kept my humanity intact.
There was something wrong with me, something that other people seemed to have that I didn't. I wasn't settled or secure. I knew that people thought I was rich, handsome and had a fabulous life, but the money meant shit and my looks were merely window dressing that disguised the mess inside. I always felt like something was missing, some huge piece of my life that I'd somehow lost. I'd long since given up trying to figure out what it was that had left me so sure that something was missing.
When I was younger , I used to have dreams about having a brother being taken away from me. I didn't have any siblings until Damien came along and once he did, I was so sure that something would happen to him that sometimes I would try to push him away so that I wouldn't care as much when he was taken. That only went on for the first year of his life, and it's nothing that he remembers. My mother repeatedly told me that if I wasn't a little brat and took care of my brother, he probably wouldn't go anywhere. She'd always follow sentences like that up with, "But if you act like a little shit, I just can't say what might happen to this one…"
My parents had one rule; children should neither be seen nor heard. When we needed things, they hurt us. Any sign of weakness had those two puffing up with glee as they readied themselves to dole out whatever cruel and unusual punishment that they'd dreamt up. Especially my mother, who lived to be physically aggressive and violent.
By the time my sisters came along, my parents were completely out of control. They'd always been awful, but now they were worse. Neither one of them cared for Delilah or Dominique, but my father in particular hated them. He could barely tolerate the sight of them, so my brother Damien and my honorary brother Spencer and I spent as much time as we could keeping the girls as far away from my parents as possible.
I loved Damien and Spencer, but the twins were my angels. They were the two most perfectly beautiful things I'd ever seen, and they opened my heart. Their safety and their happiness were paramount in my mind at all times. Damien and Spencer felt that way toward them, and in turn that made the three of us even closer. The girls softened our hard edges, gave the three of us something to focus on, to protect and stay alive for. My love for the girls changed me, changed all three of us. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them, and the same applies to Damien and Spencer.
When I look at the girls , I know that everything I did was worth it. I helped to protect two of the most amazing and beautiful people that the universe had ever seen fit to grace the world with. For a long, long time, I thought that what I'd done had gotten me a one way ticket to hell. I couldn't change what I'd done, because if I were able to, my sisters
I'd spent an entire lifetime thinking that I'd never know what love felt like. I loved my family, but they weren't going to cuddle with me at night or bear my children. To me love was as unreal as unicorns and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. I knew people who swore that true love changed their entire lives, and I'd smile and wish them well, all the while knowing that that wasn't in my future.
My acceptance of my fate was absolute. I'd never even allowed myself to ponder what the alternative would feel like. I had a set of rules that I followed in order to hold myself aloof, but the truth is that it didn't even require effort. I'd seen what relationships looked like in my family, and I hated what I saw. Hated it, and still had the scars to remind myself of what that 'love' had done.
The one true love of my life was the love I had for my siblings, both by blood and honorary, and my Aunt Sandra. I'd pai d a high price to keep my family safe. I was the oldest, and it was my responsibility to protect them all. My love for my family was what kept my humanity intact.
There was something wrong with me, something that other people seemed to have that I didn't. I wasn't settled or secure. I knew that people thought I was rich, handsome and had a fabulous life, but the money meant shit and my looks were merely window dressing that disguised the mess inside. I always felt like something was missing, some huge piece of my life that I'd somehow lost. I'd long since given up trying to figure out what it was that had left me so sure that something was missing.
When I was younger , I used to have dreams about having a brother being taken away from me. I didn't have any siblings until Damien came along and once he did, I was so sure that something would happen to him that sometimes I would try to push him away so that I wouldn't care as much when he was taken. That only went on for the first year of his life, and it's nothing that he remembers. My mother repeatedly told me that if I wasn't a little brat and took care of my brother, he probably wouldn't go anywhere. She'd always follow sentences like that up with, "But if you act like a little shit, I just can't say what might happen to this one…"
My parents had one rule; children should neither be seen nor heard. When we needed things, they hurt us. Any sign of weakness had those two puffing up with glee as they readied themselves to dole out whatever cruel and unusual punishment that they'd dreamt up. Especially my mother, who lived to be physically aggressive and violent.
By the time my sisters came along, my parents were completely out of control. They'd always been awful, but now they were worse. Neither one of them cared for Delilah or Dominique, but my father in particular hated them. He could barely tolerate the sight of them, so my brother Damien and my honorary brother Spencer and I spent as much time as we could keeping the girls as far away from my parents as possible.
I loved Damien and Spencer, but the twins were my angels. They were the two most perfectly beautiful things I'd ever seen, and they opened my heart. Their safety and their happiness were paramount in my mind at all times. Damien and Spencer felt that way toward them, and in turn that made the three of us even closer. The girls softened our hard edges, gave the three of us something to focus on, to protect and stay alive for. My love for the girls changed me, changed all three of us. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them, and the same applies to Damien and Spencer.
When I look at the girls , I know that everything I did was worth it. I helped to protect two of the most amazing and beautiful people that the universe had ever seen fit to grace the world with. For a long, long time, I thought that what I'd done had gotten me a one way ticket to hell. I couldn't change what I'd done, because if I were able to, my sisters
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