suddenly on fire being this close to him, and I calculate that the only way to get out of here with my life is either to punch him in the face or knock out his legs, both of which I wouldn’t mind doing. I choose neither, though, because I kind of like having him near me. And so I keep standing there, breathing heavily, letting the heat from his body and his rage surround me. Our rivalry is beautiful because it makes us both forget about everything else. It is a constant challenge, an unending competition, and it fuels both of our lives. As much as I hate to admit it, my life would be 100% empty without Logan. We have this strange way of making each other happy by making each other miserable. We’re basically enemies with benefits, but our benefits are the distractions we give each other, the distractions from what happened to Ben.
We don’t, of course, tell each other any of this, but it’s an unspoken truth between Logan and me--that our mutual hatred is our saving grace from all of our problems. Our rivalry is everything a hot half-year-long fling is and more, just without the sex. Because sex with Logan? I would rather die.
So here we are. Standing in front of each other. Our eyes locked. I just ruined one of Logan’s most cherished possessions… and he looks angry. Like, genuinely angry. Like, not forgiving kind of angry.
I realize then that his glare has only sharpened, that the fury in his eyes is burning just as much as before. He isn’t giving in. My heart stops. He isn’t giving in . Logan continues to stand there, breathing in deep, pained breaths, looking like he’s going to lash out at me any second now. He hasn’t let it go, like he usually does. In fact, he looks anything but like he usually does.
He looks pissed. Purely, genuinely pissed.
And that’s when I realize that I broke him.
That I won.
My muscles freeze up as I look at him, and the knot in my chest just tightens.
I won.
He’s looking at me with such ferocity right now because I went to the one place that’s going too far: the place involving Ben.
But I won. I finally won!
I should be celebrating. I should be jumping up and down and rubbing it in his face. I should be doing anything but this: looking into his eyes and feeling my heart get ripped apart with his.
“Logan, I--” I start to say, my voice trembling, not coming up with the right words to say.
He just shakes his head. “Leave,” he whispers in a low voice.
I bite my lip. This is not happening. This. is. not. happening. “Please, Logan--”
But he just points me to the door, having none of it, the anger burning in his every word. “Goodnight, Cali,” he whispers, so brokenly, and then he leads me outside before I can protest.
I turn around and try to say something, to stop him, to fix this mess, but the door is already clicking shut, and I’m enveloped in the thickest silence in history.
As soon as I’m out of his apartment, away from the burning heat of his body, I am utterly speechless. I really should feel less crushed than I do, less hurt, less empty.
I mean, I did it. I won. I finally won.
So why do I feel like I just lost something?
~
Some days she feels like spilling all of her secrets,
telling the boy she loves to hate about her guilt
about how empty she feels
how she is hopeless
worthless
nothing.
But even then, she’s too scared
too scared of his judgment
too scared of everyone’s judgment.
She fears what she doesn’t know
and so she says nothing.
~
When I get back to my room, Ruby isn’t there, but I don’t even have the energy to wait for her any longer. I crawl right into my bed, pull the covers over my eyes, and wait until sleep takes me away.
The next few days are absolutely horrible. I go to my classes, listen to the lectures even though I know I’m going to purposely flunk the exams later, and I don’t once talk to Logan. We pass each other in the stairs once but don’t say a word, don’t even make eye contact,
We don’t, of course, tell each other any of this, but it’s an unspoken truth between Logan and me--that our mutual hatred is our saving grace from all of our problems. Our rivalry is everything a hot half-year-long fling is and more, just without the sex. Because sex with Logan? I would rather die.
So here we are. Standing in front of each other. Our eyes locked. I just ruined one of Logan’s most cherished possessions… and he looks angry. Like, genuinely angry. Like, not forgiving kind of angry.
I realize then that his glare has only sharpened, that the fury in his eyes is burning just as much as before. He isn’t giving in. My heart stops. He isn’t giving in . Logan continues to stand there, breathing in deep, pained breaths, looking like he’s going to lash out at me any second now. He hasn’t let it go, like he usually does. In fact, he looks anything but like he usually does.
He looks pissed. Purely, genuinely pissed.
And that’s when I realize that I broke him.
That I won.
My muscles freeze up as I look at him, and the knot in my chest just tightens.
I won.
He’s looking at me with such ferocity right now because I went to the one place that’s going too far: the place involving Ben.
But I won. I finally won!
I should be celebrating. I should be jumping up and down and rubbing it in his face. I should be doing anything but this: looking into his eyes and feeling my heart get ripped apart with his.
“Logan, I--” I start to say, my voice trembling, not coming up with the right words to say.
He just shakes his head. “Leave,” he whispers in a low voice.
I bite my lip. This is not happening. This. is. not. happening. “Please, Logan--”
But he just points me to the door, having none of it, the anger burning in his every word. “Goodnight, Cali,” he whispers, so brokenly, and then he leads me outside before I can protest.
I turn around and try to say something, to stop him, to fix this mess, but the door is already clicking shut, and I’m enveloped in the thickest silence in history.
As soon as I’m out of his apartment, away from the burning heat of his body, I am utterly speechless. I really should feel less crushed than I do, less hurt, less empty.
I mean, I did it. I won. I finally won.
So why do I feel like I just lost something?
~
Some days she feels like spilling all of her secrets,
telling the boy she loves to hate about her guilt
about how empty she feels
how she is hopeless
worthless
nothing.
But even then, she’s too scared
too scared of his judgment
too scared of everyone’s judgment.
She fears what she doesn’t know
and so she says nothing.
~
When I get back to my room, Ruby isn’t there, but I don’t even have the energy to wait for her any longer. I crawl right into my bed, pull the covers over my eyes, and wait until sleep takes me away.
The next few days are absolutely horrible. I go to my classes, listen to the lectures even though I know I’m going to purposely flunk the exams later, and I don’t once talk to Logan. We pass each other in the stairs once but don’t say a word, don’t even make eye contact,
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