Trust the Focus by Megan Erickson

and some waterfalls.
    Landry’s posture was better on the hike, more relaxed. A couple of times he closed his eyes and turned his face to the sun, a small smile on his lips. We passed some other hikers, but mostly we were alone, stepping over tree roots and brushing aside leafy branches.
    I wanted him to talk to me. This subdued Landry was a stranger, and knowing I was the cause for his behavior was almost unbearable. Although, I guessed Landry felt his traveling companion was a stranger now, too. I wanted him to understand that Gay Justin wasn’t any different than Playing-Straight Justin.
    Or was I different?
    We reached a small waterfall, the sound of the water drowning out my thoughts as I gazed at the sparkling water.
    Landry perched himself on a rock, curling into a ball—his legs hugged protectively to his chest—a position I hated, because it meant he was hurting.
    I sat down beside him, toeing the ground at my feet. He rocked gently, and I willed him to speak. I opened my mouth a couple of times but the words died in my throat.
I’m sorry. You are everything to me. I wish I could do this all over. I’m sorry.
    Until finally, he put me out of my misery and started talking. “You remember that party at the end of sophomore year at the Omega Chi house? I saw you carrying that girl from our freshman speech class up the stairs?”
    Her name was Marie. She’d been drunk off her ass. Her cousin was a brother, one of my teammates, so I’d helped her up to his room where she could puke and crash in safety. “Yeah.”
    “I thought you slept with her.”
    “I didn’t.”
    “Yeah, I know that now. But at the time, all your teammates said you took her up to a bedroom. What was I supposed to think?”
    “I just carried her up so she could pass out—”
    “It doesn’t fucking matter now, Justin!” he shouted, the volume of his voice slicing through the stillness of the area like a blade.
    That blade, along with the tremors in his voice, cut through me. I started to sweat, that nervous sweat that started in my armpits and dripped down my ribs. That dread sweat, where I knew what was coming next. I wanted to hear it but wanted to shut my brain to it all at the same time.
    “Okay,” I whispered. “Go on.”
    He blew out a breath. “I knew you were straight. Or at least, I knew it at the time, not knowing it was a
lie.”
He spat the last word and I cringed. “But I think I carried some sort of rainbow torch for you. And after that night I felt so fucking pathetic. What was my problem? Pining for my best friend. Who sleeps with girls.”
    He shook his head and rocked harder and I wanted to clap my hand over his mouth, stop the rest of this story, and just pretend it ended there. That he would say,
Glad I was wrong! Hooray!
And kiss me.
    But that’s not what happened. He kept talking. Each word opening little cuts all along my skin.
    “You remember I went out the next weekend with some members of the GSA club on campus? You had to travel with the team for a game so you couldn’t come.”
    Landry had started attending meetings held by the Gay-Straight Alliance. I’d tried to attend them with him when I could, but between classes and my games, I couldn’t make many. It made me uneasy, not knowing who those people were, but I trusted Landry to surround himself with good people. And I remembered that weekend, bummed I couldn’t make the trip to Sacramento with them.
    I nodded and he continued. “So, it was fun. I told you about how we went to a drag show and drank and sang and laughed. But then some of the older guys suggested going dancing to a club. A gay club. I’d never been to one so I thought, what the hell? All I’d done with guys at that point was kiss and some other tamer stuff. And you were straight. Completely straight, and I had to get over this Justin fantasy, so I went.”
    It was like he’d plunged a knife into my gut.
What had I pushed him to do?
“Landry—”
    He held up a hand, his eyes