True North by Allie Juliette Mousseau

it.
    I was jealous of people in the movies or in books whose mom or dad died. Their acute pain was monstrous I was sure, but when they got to acceptance, one thing they were still sure of was their parent’s love for them. They could visit a gravesite or talk to their parent, believing they could hear them from whatever other world people go to after they die. My insides would tangle up with jealousy at the thought. Isn’t that horrible? To wish my own mother had died?
    It had been years since she’d left us, and I still thought about her consciously almost every day, even if it was just for a moment.
    I would have given anything for my arms to be hers right now.
    Damn you, Jake! I should have closed myself off. I shouldn’t have let this happen. I drove here with the full intention of keeping myself guarded. Instead, like a small, featherless bird, I tried to fly from the nest, fell to the hard dirt below me and was crushed between the jaws of a powerful cat.
    The door downstairs slammed shut, startling me. Wondering what had gotten Nate worked up, I ran down to make sure he was okay. I stopped halfway down the stairs, surprised to see it wasn’t Nate, but our dad. My body involuntarily stiffened. Last time I’d seen or heard from him was when I’d gone away to school. He’d said goodbye and that was it. After the night I’d had, it would have been nice to run into my daddy’s arms for a hug, but he wasn’t that kind of dad and I didn’t feel like I could trust him anyway, so I kept my distance.
    “ You don’t say hello to your dad, girl?” he slurred with an edge of annoyance or anger.
    I wished I’d stayed upstairs. I couldn’t handle this—not tonight. Dealing with him when he was mean and drunk was like trying to walk over eggshells without breaking or upsetting any of them. A knot formed in my chest and I tried hard to keep my voice steady. “Hello, Dad,” I replied softly.
    “ What are you doing home from school? Did they kick you out?” He laughed at his little joke then added. “Of course not, you’re too … perfect.”
    I dropped my eyes to the brown carpeting that climbed the stairs and decided to just turn around and go back to my room. But before I could, my dad looked me up and down, and I remembered I was still dressed up for the evening.
    “ Holy shit, girl! Are you part-timing as a prostitute?” he snarled and shot me a disgusted look. “Thought you were better than that … Miss High-and-Mighty. Get out of my sight.”
    I just stood there like an idiot, the knot in my chest tightening, threatening to strangle me completely. Dad didn’t give me another thought. Instead he stumbled to the couch and lay down. A second later, he was snoring.
    What a perfect ending to this night. I ran into my room, threw my clothes onto the floor and pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt. Just a few hours ago, I had felt like a princess, now that was all very much erased.
    I pulled myself underneath my blanket and curled into a fetal position, feeling numb and wishing I could just forget everything.
    A little while later, the door to my room squealed a bit, and Nate came in, saying, “Hey, you okay?”
    “ What do you think?” I bit back.
    “ Can I come in?” he asked.
    “ Whatever.”
    He sat quietly at the foot of my bed. Nate was sweet, but he wasn’t very good at dealing with heavy emotions. When Mom left and Dad went inside himself, Nate felt responsible for picking up the pieces and taking over parenting. He’d gotten into this habit of just sitting next to me. Sometimes—okay usually—he didn’t say anything; he’d just be there, you know? Sometimes it was enough. But tonight it made me ache for more.
    The crying started and wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t control it at all.
    Nate just lay beside me with his arm around me as I sobbed.

 
    Chapter 9
    “ Empty”
    Ray LaMontagne
     
    When I woke up I was alone. The loneliness was acute, and I felt detached from my body. Guess a serious