with her in the early morning hours. The cynical set of his firm mouth and the cool indifference of his sky - blue eyes were once again replaced with warmth and sensuous promise of the bliss he offered. His strong arms went around her again, pulling her to his rock - hard chest, his heartbeat steady and reassuring. The y had no ugly past to be discussed, no betrayal or schemes to be ashamed of. Only hope, promise and…
Waking up with a start, she was surprised to find her face wet with tears, her brain still too fuzzy to remember the events from yesterday. Justin’s face blotted it out, like her own personal sun and shield, protecting her for a blissful moment fr om the misery of the real world. She couldn’t escape it for long . It lasted mere seconds before reality set in, the happy picture fading like morning’s fog warmed by the first rays of the rising sun. Only hers wasn’t sun at all, she thought as she dressed hurriedly, her hands flying to brush her long hair. No t even moon, the darkness of the things to come making her think of a total eclipse.
She resisted the urge to call Alice and ask her to come with her. She didn’t need to add to Alice’s already overflowing list of worries, the fas t - approaching wedding doing an excellent job itself. Once she knew exactly what to expect, she could ease her in gradually, saving the worst bits for later.
She would rather die than admit she was also worried that Alice would talk to her fiancé, which would lead inevitably to Justin. Who knew if Tom could keep a secret? Maybe men were not that different from women after all . The sheer idea of having Justin feel sorry for her and do something charitable to make her feel better was out of the question. He was a nice man, she knew it. Under all his anger and resentment was still the chivalrous, kind man who had wanted to save her from the unwanted advances of a drunk en stranger. What if he felt pity for her disease and treated her differently? She’d rather have him hate her and find her attractive, which she knew he still did. Pity and consoling were not something she was looking for from him, not now and not ever, however short the ever might turn out to be. Pictures of bald people, pale from chemo and wasted by the brutal regime of drugs floated through her mind, her lips clamping together to stop herself from whimpering. She would deal with it when she had to. For now, it was paramount to reach her doctor and get the facts straight a s soon as possible and without any of the preliminary niceties doctors used to calm their patients.
Doctor Merkle seemed not to share her radical approach. She could sense his reluctance as soon as she set her foot inside his office, his fatherly concern grating along her nerve endings like a nail dragged against the surface of a mirror. She didn’t want his sympathy, she thought rebelliously as he ushered her into the large comfy armchair, his warm fingers lingering on her tense arm. She was wearing red, the popping color at odds with how she felt inside. Because she felt drab, cold , and dark, teetering on the edge of some invisible black hole ready to suck her in at any moment. Her red dress was like armor , a charm of some kind, an atavistic part of her she didn’t even know she possessed prompting her to use it to dispel the demons waiting inside the office.
‘I wish I had some better news for you . ’ Even his voice sounded apologetic, as if it was his fault somehow that her body had decided to betray her. ‘ Are you sure you shouldn’t have come with someone close to you, Kate? Someone to give you support? I know your mother is away, dear, but there must be someone else you could bring? ’
Well, she could tell him there weren’t that many people she could have put into that category, Kate thought, a bubble of hysteria rising in her throat as she fought the inappropriate urge to laugh. Of course , he knew the story of her closest family very well. Her parents were
Waking up with a start, she was surprised to find her face wet with tears, her brain still too fuzzy to remember the events from yesterday. Justin’s face blotted it out, like her own personal sun and shield, protecting her for a blissful moment fr om the misery of the real world. She couldn’t escape it for long . It lasted mere seconds before reality set in, the happy picture fading like morning’s fog warmed by the first rays of the rising sun. Only hers wasn’t sun at all, she thought as she dressed hurriedly, her hands flying to brush her long hair. No t even moon, the darkness of the things to come making her think of a total eclipse.
She resisted the urge to call Alice and ask her to come with her. She didn’t need to add to Alice’s already overflowing list of worries, the fas t - approaching wedding doing an excellent job itself. Once she knew exactly what to expect, she could ease her in gradually, saving the worst bits for later.
She would rather die than admit she was also worried that Alice would talk to her fiancé, which would lead inevitably to Justin. Who knew if Tom could keep a secret? Maybe men were not that different from women after all . The sheer idea of having Justin feel sorry for her and do something charitable to make her feel better was out of the question. He was a nice man, she knew it. Under all his anger and resentment was still the chivalrous, kind man who had wanted to save her from the unwanted advances of a drunk en stranger. What if he felt pity for her disease and treated her differently? She’d rather have him hate her and find her attractive, which she knew he still did. Pity and consoling were not something she was looking for from him, not now and not ever, however short the ever might turn out to be. Pictures of bald people, pale from chemo and wasted by the brutal regime of drugs floated through her mind, her lips clamping together to stop herself from whimpering. She would deal with it when she had to. For now, it was paramount to reach her doctor and get the facts straight a s soon as possible and without any of the preliminary niceties doctors used to calm their patients.
Doctor Merkle seemed not to share her radical approach. She could sense his reluctance as soon as she set her foot inside his office, his fatherly concern grating along her nerve endings like a nail dragged against the surface of a mirror. She didn’t want his sympathy, she thought rebelliously as he ushered her into the large comfy armchair, his warm fingers lingering on her tense arm. She was wearing red, the popping color at odds with how she felt inside. Because she felt drab, cold , and dark, teetering on the edge of some invisible black hole ready to suck her in at any moment. Her red dress was like armor , a charm of some kind, an atavistic part of her she didn’t even know she possessed prompting her to use it to dispel the demons waiting inside the office.
‘I wish I had some better news for you . ’ Even his voice sounded apologetic, as if it was his fault somehow that her body had decided to betray her. ‘ Are you sure you shouldn’t have come with someone close to you, Kate? Someone to give you support? I know your mother is away, dear, but there must be someone else you could bring? ’
Well, she could tell him there weren’t that many people she could have put into that category, Kate thought, a bubble of hysteria rising in her throat as she fought the inappropriate urge to laugh. Of course , he knew the story of her closest family very well. Her parents were
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