To Say Goodbye by Lindsay Detwiler

to roll in.

CHAPTER TEN
    JACKSON
    O nce, Christmas had been one of Jackson’s favorite seasons. The smell of nutmeg, the promise of Santa, the collection of family by the tree, by the fireplace. It was a magical season when anything was possible.
    Then his brother, Wade, died.
    Then he went into the army.
    Then his wife left him.
    Then he lost his son.
    Over the years, December became more of a gloomy, black month than a season of joy. Jackson felt more like an adherent to Krampus’s camp than Santa’s. He felt void, empty, nothingness instead of holiday warmth.
    Especially this year.
    “It’s not your holiday,” Chloe had argued on the phone just last week when Jackson called to make arrangements for Christmas.
    “Chloe, come on, it’s Christmas. I don’t even have to take him. Can I just come to your house for a few hours? Give him presents?”
    “Mail them. I’ll tell him they’re from you, or give them to him on your next weekend. The court gave you Easter. I got Christmas. That was the deal.”
    “Please don’t do this.”
    She had hung up, the click of the phone echoing in the silence. He’d been infuriated, heartbroken, angry, and depressed all within a single moment.
    Jackson glanced around his apartment, the sheer blankness of the room only enhancing his non-holiday spirit. There was no tree, no cookies in the oven. Nothing to symbolize the season. Without Logan, what was the point? A part of him knew he was being childish. Logan was young. He wouldn’t care if they celebrated Christmas a few weeks afterward. To Jackson, though, it was a reminder that things had changed, that he would be forever settling for any time he could get with his son. It wouldn’t be the same, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself it would. It would never be the same unless he had Logan back with him, at least joint custody.
    He would go to his parents’ house for Christmas morning. Gretta, Jonathan, and Jace would be there, too. He would pretend to conjure up some merriness for a few hours before returning home to wallow in loathing, pity, and hurt at the absence of his son.
    His son’s Christmas would now be devoid of him. How many more until Logan had forgotten all about him? How many more until Logan was asking to cancel their weekend together?
    He’d confided as much in Jonathan who had comforted him, trying to make him see reason. “Jackson, buddy, hang in there. Give it a few more months. Get yourself established. Show the courts you’ve settled yourself. We can appeal the decision, fight for joint custody. This isn’t forever. Decisions can be reversed. Just give it time.”
    At the time, Jackson had nodded despite his inner rage. Time? He didn’t have time. Every month that went by without Logan was like an inferno of sorrow. Every month without his son was a step closer to oblivion in his son’s life. Every month was one step closer to Seth taking over his place.
    On Christmas Eve, after a depressing phone call with Logan about Santa, Jackson found himself flipping aimlessly through Christmas movies, not really paying attention. He found himself thinking about previous years, good and bad, previous Christmases. There had been many characters in his Christmas scenes, but Tim had been a constant.
    He thought back to another depressing Christmas when Tim had been there for him.
    _______________
    “You know, Jackson, you don’t have to do this. You’re an adult. He doesn’t make decisions for you.” Tim sat beside Jackson on the sofa in Tim’s parents’ garage, their typical hangout. It was Christmas Eve, and they had just exchanged gifts. Jackson opened the new video game, pretending to be interested in the back.
    “I know. But he’s right. It’s not like my life’s going anywhere else. Construction work is good, but it’s not what I had in mind.”
    “What about culinary school? You’ve always loved cooking.”
    “There’s no money in it.”
    “It’s not all about money, you