Chapter 1
“Okay. Before you say anything, I think I have
the right to explain why everything is covered in chocolate.”
Well, if you want to know the whole story, we’re going to have to go all the
way back to about the time of the High Middle Ages. Now, nobody really knows
what happened exactly, but apparently there was this guy named Valentinus or something. For the sake of the story, I’ll
call him St. Valentine. There were many saints that had the same name, and
nobody really knows which one or ones we’re supposed to be crediting with the
creation of this absurd holiday, but for simplicity’s sake let’s say there was
one of them.
Also, let me just point out that it isn’t even a holiday because, if it were,
we would be allowed to skip out on work and school. But no, people have to
suffer the embarrassment of seeing all their classmates and co-workers getting
Valentines while you get zip.
Anyway, I digress. Apparently, at the time, soldiers were not allowed to marry.
St. Valentine disagreed and would marry them in secret. He got found out. He
got jailed. Then, before he was executed, he sent some kind of note to his
loved one saying, “Farewell from your Valentine”. And so, every February 14 we
celebrate that guy and his appreciation for romance by romancing each other or
some bullshit like that.
Valentine’s Day is ridiculous.
We kill thousands of rose bushes. We cut down about a thousand more trees than
we normally do. We make each other fatter with candies and chocolates. And for what? To show our love? How
materialistic can we people be? Can’t you just say “I love you” or write a
sonnet or something? Something, anything that doesn’t involve uselessly wasting
our natural resources.Well , I guess if you were
writing a sonnet, you’d have to write it on something, and, in a sense, you
would be wasting paper, too, so… Forget that one.
Also, would it kill you to get a room or something? Why do you have to declare
your love in front of the entire population? Honestly, how do you think it
makes the rest of us feel? Why do you think there’s such a thing as “Singles
Awareness Day”? S. A. D. That’s right. It makes us… Well, me, not so much. But
it makes single girls feel sad. Why do you think they were even pretentious
enough to make up their own holiday? Singles Awareness Day – the day you become
even more aware of your crippling singularity. Granted guys could celebrate it,
too, I guess , if they were single, too. I don’t know
how these things are supposed to work.
In my experience, to see every girl around you get a valentine is
disheartening. I mean, I wouldn’t be sad and pathetic enough to make up some
holiday for myself and people like me. But, then again, if I did it would be a
“me party”. Yeah, in grade school, I wasn’t exactly “likeable”. I kept my nose
in the books. I didn’t like playing games, let alone sports. While other girls
drew hearts around boys’ names I scoffed at their stupidity. I was pretty much
a snob back then. So when everyone got their secret admirer notes and poorly
cut out hearts cards, I got nothing. I guess that was my fault, but that’s not
the point.
Personally if a guy sang to me in public, I’d murder him. Why? Because, while the gesture is sweet and all, it’s embarrassing. I HATE being the centre of attention, and whenever a guy publicly announces his
affection everyone stares at you. There’s so much pressure. I mean, what if I
don’t like him that way? Then I’m the bitch who sent another “brave warrior”
into the friend zone? Also, why does he have to do it publicly? Can’t he do it
in private? I mean something about publicizing your love feels, to me, fake.
And guys, save
“Okay. Before you say anything, I think I have
the right to explain why everything is covered in chocolate.”
Well, if you want to know the whole story, we’re going to have to go all the
way back to about the time of the High Middle Ages. Now, nobody really knows
what happened exactly, but apparently there was this guy named Valentinus or something. For the sake of the story, I’ll
call him St. Valentine. There were many saints that had the same name, and
nobody really knows which one or ones we’re supposed to be crediting with the
creation of this absurd holiday, but for simplicity’s sake let’s say there was
one of them.
Also, let me just point out that it isn’t even a holiday because, if it were,
we would be allowed to skip out on work and school. But no, people have to
suffer the embarrassment of seeing all their classmates and co-workers getting
Valentines while you get zip.
Anyway, I digress. Apparently, at the time, soldiers were not allowed to marry.
St. Valentine disagreed and would marry them in secret. He got found out. He
got jailed. Then, before he was executed, he sent some kind of note to his
loved one saying, “Farewell from your Valentine”. And so, every February 14 we
celebrate that guy and his appreciation for romance by romancing each other or
some bullshit like that.
Valentine’s Day is ridiculous.
We kill thousands of rose bushes. We cut down about a thousand more trees than
we normally do. We make each other fatter with candies and chocolates. And for what? To show our love? How
materialistic can we people be? Can’t you just say “I love you” or write a
sonnet or something? Something, anything that doesn’t involve uselessly wasting
our natural resources.Well , I guess if you were
writing a sonnet, you’d have to write it on something, and, in a sense, you
would be wasting paper, too, so… Forget that one.
Also, would it kill you to get a room or something? Why do you have to declare
your love in front of the entire population? Honestly, how do you think it
makes the rest of us feel? Why do you think there’s such a thing as “Singles
Awareness Day”? S. A. D. That’s right. It makes us… Well, me, not so much. But
it makes single girls feel sad. Why do you think they were even pretentious
enough to make up their own holiday? Singles Awareness Day – the day you become
even more aware of your crippling singularity. Granted guys could celebrate it,
too, I guess , if they were single, too. I don’t know
how these things are supposed to work.
In my experience, to see every girl around you get a valentine is
disheartening. I mean, I wouldn’t be sad and pathetic enough to make up some
holiday for myself and people like me. But, then again, if I did it would be a
“me party”. Yeah, in grade school, I wasn’t exactly “likeable”. I kept my nose
in the books. I didn’t like playing games, let alone sports. While other girls
drew hearts around boys’ names I scoffed at their stupidity. I was pretty much
a snob back then. So when everyone got their secret admirer notes and poorly
cut out hearts cards, I got nothing. I guess that was my fault, but that’s not
the point.
Personally if a guy sang to me in public, I’d murder him. Why? Because, while the gesture is sweet and all, it’s embarrassing. I HATE being the centre of attention, and whenever a guy publicly announces his
affection everyone stares at you. There’s so much pressure. I mean, what if I
don’t like him that way? Then I’m the bitch who sent another “brave warrior”
into the friend zone? Also, why does he have to do it publicly? Can’t he do it
in private? I mean something about publicizing your love feels, to me, fake.
And guys, save
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