national and global elites. To that extent he agreed with Henry. He was getting to like his older colleague whose eccentric ‘couldn’t give a damn’ behaviour was an antidote to his own busy intensity. They had struck up a budding friendship and occasionally met for a wind down or barnstorming session about whatever came to mind.
Getting to and from Peyton once a week to see Maria, pushed him at times close to exhaustion. Sometimes the effort seemed entirely wasted and left him feeling empty and ineffectual. At first having a ‘part-time’ dad intrigued Maria but the novelty soon began to wear off. Gina was keen for Tim to maintain a relationship with his daughter but her new partner, Rupert Eccles, was less enthusiastic without openly opposing it. He was coolly polite, but made it clear he did not want Tim to remain around the house with Maria for more than half an hour or so. Predictably, soon after Tim’s arrival he would ask some version of the question ‘So where are you taking your daughter today, then?’ On some occasions, Tim didn’t even get as far as the house. Instead Maria was dropped off at whatever venue Tim had decided to take her to. He did his best but soon visits to adventure playgrounds, parks, movies, and, in desperation, even McDonalds began to appeal less and less to both of them.
The lack of a stable base where they could spend time together began to take its toll. Maria became increasingly moody and temperamental. She wanted to know why Daddy had gone to live so far away, and why Mummy and Daddy didn’t like one-another anymore? After several weeks she asked whether he was still her Daddy or if she’d got a new one now? Her confusion turned into sullenness and withdrawal. It didn’t help much when Gina assured him that Maria was getting on quite well with Rupert. It even felt double-edged when she added that domestic disruption had apparently not adversely affected Maria at school. It all made Tim feel marginal and irrelevant. Slot in, slot out dads. He understood Maria’s happiness was what mattered most but that didn’t lessen his own hurt and anxiety. Understanding was not enough. He determined that whatever else he had lost, he was not going to lose his daughter.
One Thursday evening about half way through term thebuild up of stress suddenly imploded. It hit physically. A wave of darkness surged across his consciousness. His eyes lost focus. His chest went momentarily into spasm. He clutched his temples as he struggled to regain stability and control. The episode lasted no more than a few seconds. Slowly he massaged his face and head, calming himself. He opened his eyes. The computer screen stared primly back, neither mocking nor concerned just stubbornly, unflinchingly there. He got up from his chair leaving the icy machine suspended in mid sentence: ‘The two generations have more in common than…’
Time for a change of scene
.
He decided to respond to this scary moment by taking a walk into town. It might clear his head. Then he would wash away the accumulated tension of recent weeks with a few drinks. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he was lonely, just a little. He thought of calling Henry to join him, but decided he was in no mood for one of his colleague’s more baroque performances, diverting though these could be. He needed to get away from anything and anyone connected with work. He wanted to ground himself again, to get back in touch with what passed for the real world. As he walked through Wash the city seemed solid enough. It was the space between his ears that had taken an ethereal turn. Not that he entertained the possibility of anything so time-consuming or self-indulgent as a breakdown.
He deliberately let himself get lost, wandering over to the eastern outskirts of the city and then meandering haphazardly through the back streets. The suburban sameness of this part of the city felt reassuring. Here the housing was plain and
Getting to and from Peyton once a week to see Maria, pushed him at times close to exhaustion. Sometimes the effort seemed entirely wasted and left him feeling empty and ineffectual. At first having a ‘part-time’ dad intrigued Maria but the novelty soon began to wear off. Gina was keen for Tim to maintain a relationship with his daughter but her new partner, Rupert Eccles, was less enthusiastic without openly opposing it. He was coolly polite, but made it clear he did not want Tim to remain around the house with Maria for more than half an hour or so. Predictably, soon after Tim’s arrival he would ask some version of the question ‘So where are you taking your daughter today, then?’ On some occasions, Tim didn’t even get as far as the house. Instead Maria was dropped off at whatever venue Tim had decided to take her to. He did his best but soon visits to adventure playgrounds, parks, movies, and, in desperation, even McDonalds began to appeal less and less to both of them.
The lack of a stable base where they could spend time together began to take its toll. Maria became increasingly moody and temperamental. She wanted to know why Daddy had gone to live so far away, and why Mummy and Daddy didn’t like one-another anymore? After several weeks she asked whether he was still her Daddy or if she’d got a new one now? Her confusion turned into sullenness and withdrawal. It didn’t help much when Gina assured him that Maria was getting on quite well with Rupert. It even felt double-edged when she added that domestic disruption had apparently not adversely affected Maria at school. It all made Tim feel marginal and irrelevant. Slot in, slot out dads. He understood Maria’s happiness was what mattered most but that didn’t lessen his own hurt and anxiety. Understanding was not enough. He determined that whatever else he had lost, he was not going to lose his daughter.
One Thursday evening about half way through term thebuild up of stress suddenly imploded. It hit physically. A wave of darkness surged across his consciousness. His eyes lost focus. His chest went momentarily into spasm. He clutched his temples as he struggled to regain stability and control. The episode lasted no more than a few seconds. Slowly he massaged his face and head, calming himself. He opened his eyes. The computer screen stared primly back, neither mocking nor concerned just stubbornly, unflinchingly there. He got up from his chair leaving the icy machine suspended in mid sentence: ‘The two generations have more in common than…’
Time for a change of scene
.
He decided to respond to this scary moment by taking a walk into town. It might clear his head. Then he would wash away the accumulated tension of recent weeks with a few drinks. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he was lonely, just a little. He thought of calling Henry to join him, but decided he was in no mood for one of his colleague’s more baroque performances, diverting though these could be. He needed to get away from anything and anyone connected with work. He wanted to ground himself again, to get back in touch with what passed for the real world. As he walked through Wash the city seemed solid enough. It was the space between his ears that had taken an ethereal turn. Not that he entertained the possibility of anything so time-consuming or self-indulgent as a breakdown.
He deliberately let himself get lost, wandering over to the eastern outskirts of the city and then meandering haphazardly through the back streets. The suburban sameness of this part of the city felt reassuring. Here the housing was plain and
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