This Book is Gay by James Dawson Page A

of the scale of how fast changes tend to occur. I’ve been on hormone therapy for eighteen months now. It was quite exciting for the first couple months, and still is every time I notice some new progress. For a while, I would measure my chest with a tape measure to reassure myself that things were happening there. It wasn’t frightening at all; this has always been my fondest desire, and it’s a quite gentle process, really; there’s nothing to be scared by.
    As far as what changed, the first thing I noticed was that my nipples became developed – that is, stopped being shrivelled up like male ones are. Then, over about three months, my hips widened, from thirty-two inches to forty inches! I was still presenting as male at work during that period, so that was a little difficult for me, since I couldn’t wear my actual wardrobe and had to find male slacks that sort of fit.
    Something should probably be said about facial-hair removal, by the way. Hormones don’t do that (nor do they change the voice, which has to be done through practice and often special training), so I had sessions for that every weekend. There’s a controversy about whether laser treatment or electrolysis is better, which prevents there being good advice in the community on it. The facts are that laser covers many times more follicles per session, while electrolysis is always permanent, even on tough follicles. So what everybody winds up doing is laser to get a clear face at first and electrolysis later on to finish the job.
    But nobody gave me this advice! So I just went for electrolysis, concurrently with starting hormones, because I didn’t know any better. It was intensely painful, but I actually viewed that as a good thing, since it gave me some concrete sense of progress that I wasn’t getting from the hormones at that time. Also, since most trans women (though I hardly knew any back then) have been through it at some point, there was a sense of belonging, which was nice.
    For the first eight months or so, I had virtually no breast growth – enough that I could tell things had happened, with my shirt off, but it was quite distressing. They finally did start growing – I talked to my doctor and we played with my dosages a little – but I’ve never had the ‘growing pains’ sensation that almost everybody mentions. As of today, I wear a B cup, but I don’t really fill it.
    I don’t view that hormone therapy, nor the genital surgery that I am also seeking, as cosmetic at all; it’s correcting a vital mismatch between body and soul. But the insurance company will see it that way on both counts (what could be less cosmetic than a complete change of genitalia?), so I’ll be paying out of pocket.
    I’ve spoken with other trans women on the subject, and most agree that there is an improved capacity to feel emotion. I can definitely confirm that in my own experience; it’s too pronounced to be psychosomatic. Frankly, I don’t like the person who I was before starting hormones, and I never want to be that coldhearted again. Also, I am able to summon tears when I feel the need, nowadays, which I never was before. Tears are very liberating.
    In addition to increased emotionality, I had an almost immediate mood improvement. I had been depressed my whole life. For probably ten years prior to hormones, I was also deeply suicidal, making two very serious attempts – with subsequent hospitalizations. Once I got some oestrogen in my system, I could no longer notice depressive ’spiral’ thinking patterns in myself. Even my psychiatrist saw a profound difference and ultimately took me off most of the psychiatric medications she had had me on, because, as we both agreed, they were no longer relevant to me. It was a complete turnaround, which is something that ’just depression’ patients never, ever experience. Beyond doubt, oestrogen saved my life.
    There are