Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls by Jes Baker Page A

food, order Chinese food, and if you want salad, eat salad!” and there is SO MUCH truth to the idea that giving your body what it wants is important. But what if your body wants something you can’t afford? It’s a whole other ballgame when you can’t change the food that you do or do not have.
    As a social worker and someone who grew up poor, I know the solution to poverty is complicated and something that we’ve been working on, and will need to continue to work on for a long, long, long time. But we have to acknowledge that many factors tie into body size and bodies are significantly impacted when there just isn’t enough, when living conditions and storage techniques affect what can be kept and what can’t, when government food programs give only so many options, when people are forced to choose foods that will last longest, when people have no access to good health care or any health care at all, and when people live in “food deserts”—areas where fruits, vegetables, and whole foods just aren’t available. Anywhere. These are just a few of the factors that affect many people, their bodies, and their self-esteem.
    It’s fucked up. And messy. And covered with so many other layers of difficulty; meanwhile, society continues to pile more hardships onto people who find themselves in this situation by placing additional layers of guilt and shame around body image and health on top of everything else.
    I don’t have the quick-fix solution for this situation (and another day I want to tell you about how EXACTLY NOT EQUAL opportunity really is for all people), but for now, I just want to bring attention to the fact that this exists, it doesn’t need to exist, and adding body image issues on top of other inequalities is not only tragic but unnecessary. Let’s work on all of this.
    B. Finding the Joy in Moving One’s Body and Being Physically Active We often think that quality exercise in our society happens at a gym, but for me, this has always been a traumatizing experience. Zero joy. Every time I’ve gone to the gym in my lifetime (there were points when I was there every single day), it has been a form of punishment: a place I needed to go because the current me wasn’t good enough, and I needed to run on that treadmill UNTIL I BECAME OKAY, DAMMIT! The gym became a torture chamber, no matter which one I tried (dozens), so gym-related exercise will most likely NOT be pleasurable for me.
    But one day I transcended my sordid/ugly/angry/punishing relationship with exercise; it was the day, a couple of years ago, that I had a meltdown. A legit, sobbing, unable-to-fully-understand-what-was-going-on, shaky-body kind of meltdown . . . and it was all over a dance class.
    A friend had invited me to Jade Beall’s African dance class, and I agreed to go with her; no problemo! But an hour before, my system suddenly realized that I had just signed up for a very new-to-me and very public exercise class, and I went into total shock. Guys, I freaked the fuck out. I felt like I had a momentary break and lost control; it was so unexpected, and at the moment I couldn’t even have told you why. I panic-attacked all over my friend’s Facebook message box, and our messages back and forth went something like this:
    Me, typing, at home in tears:
    Nope. I’m not going.
    Goddamnit dude, I’m too fucking scared to go.
    This body stuff is so HARD.
    Nskjdgfsbhkassdfjwsbvgfudjsc.
    And I feel totally guilty.
    I’m the worst fat person ever.
    I’m having a panic attack.
    Like crying and shit.
    ALL OF THE CRISES.
    Friend:
    Okay, so what’s going on here? What are you really
    struggling with?
    Me:
    Lots of things.
    I haven’t been in a dance class since college and I’m positive it
    will be harder than then and I’m already a physical failure
    and I’m positive I’ll fail in this class and I don’t love my body
    today
    and I feel like