Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me by Ben Karlin Page B

organization and though I was raised Catholic, I still enjoyed it. I was confident in my orthodoxy.
I saw you for the first time on the big field. You were my exact size but perfectly proportioned. I wasn’t so fortunate. I had a tiny torso and a rather large head. My arms were short and my legs were long and wire thin. You had black hair and brown eyes and a little pug nose. The moment I saw you I understood you were my type. In fact, I think that was the first time I realized I had a type. And my type happened to be wearing black shiny jogging shorts. I thought they looked liked black satin and that’s what I called you before I knew your name. Black Satin. Even my cabinmates started calling you that. “Hey, I saw Black Satin, in a prayer circle by the volleyball courts.” I didn’t mind them calling you that. They always said it with the proper amount of respect; like the disciples talking about Mary Magdalene.
I thought, for just a moment, that you noticed me during the relay races but I quickly dismissed it. Then later that night I thought you were noticing me at the sing-along but I couldn’t be sure. The next morning, I was close to certain you were noticing me on the “hike to the heavens.” And then, as I was on my way to “quiet reflection by the lake,” I was finally convinced. You were noticing me.
I didn’t notice you back. I was too guarded for that. I lived in fear of rejection. Being smaller than everyone else in my class made me feel, well, small.
Then one evening, our cabin counselor, Roger, gave us a pep talk. Roger was prone to giving pep talks before each camp event regardless of whether we needed pep or not. But that night was the big dance and I think Roger sensed the rising tide of panic gripping the cabin. We sat on our bunk beds hoping to get through it quickly but Roger didn’t speak. He just stood there and looked at us. Then he started slowly moving around the room and standing in front of each of us individually. He would look us up and down for about ten seconds and then move to the next boy. It was very unnerving. Then he stepped back to the center of the room and said in a quiet, intense voice, “Tonight, I want you all to be confident in who you are because God made us exactly according to his specifications.” I pictured my oddly- shaped body laid out on some graph paper in God’s studio. I wondered if my buckteeth were part of the plan or just a production error.
“And if we are made according to God’s specifications then we are divine. And if we are divine then we are perfect!” Roger pounded a bunk and made Peter Kessler jump. And then he looked directly at me and said, “So you should marshal forth into the dance tonight with the confidence of God’s perfection regardless of your size, your shape, or your overbite!”
It was as if God were speaking to me directly through Roger. It was electric. I jumped up and screamed, “Praise Roger!” Roger responded without missing a beat, “Praise God!” And suddenly the room was alive with jumping and praising. It was a pre-dance revival meeting.
I marched into the barn on a holy mission. I was going to notice you back. It didn’t matter whether you were noticing me or not. I was going to notice you and I was going to notice you hard.
The barn was packed when we arrived. Haystacks and checkered cloth covered tables lined with punch and cookies were spread around the room. Large groups of girls were already dancing as large groups of boys milled about the perimeter working up the courage to join them. But I didn’t have time to be shy. I quickly moved to the center of the dance floor and scanned the room. Most of the girls were taller than me so I climbed onto a stack of hay to get a better vantage point. You were nowhere to be found. My mind was racing with possible scenarios. Perhaps you stayed home to read scripture or paint the clay chalice you made in pottery class. Or worse, perhaps you had already stolen off with