Chapter One
Holy shit.
I want to laugh at Fiona’s text, but tears hit my eyes instead. Tell me about it, I write back.A few seconds later, her questions start.
Is Alex freaking out?
I look over at him in the driver’s seat.He hasn’t stopped smiling since we left the hospital, politely declining my father’s many offers to spend the night at his house and celebrate together.
“What a day,” he’d said, when the hospital discharged me a half hour later and Alex told him the news.“I find out about my daughter and grandkid in the same evening.”He’d called me sweetheart again, given me a hug, and made me promise I’d call and email with updates as often as I could.Then, as if reading my mind, he said, “Don't go getting worked up over our paternity test; I'll set that up.We'll know before February.”
At first, after Dr. Swanson basically punched me in the face, I just sat there staring at the ID bracelet on my wrist, trying to grasp it. Pregnant .
Alex was quiet, too.When I looked up at him—after Dr. Swanson finally got the hint and left us alone to talk privately—I expected to see a comrade.A face just as frightened as mine.
Instead, he broke out into the biggest grin I’d ever seen.
“I—I just can’t believe it,” he said, laughing as he put his hands on my stomach.“This is insane.”
And now, thundering down the dark highway with the radio turned low, he’s still got the smile.I can practically hear him saying, “I can’t believe it,” over and over in his head. I can’t believe it,either, I wish I could tell him. But not in the way you can’t.
He’s ecstatic, I text back. Which is actually freaking me out even more.
There’s a long lull before Fiona’s response.The glow of my screen lights up the entire car, and I tilt the phone towards myself a little.Alex can’t see it, anyway, but it makes me feel safer all the same.
How far along?Like do you know when it happened?
I see what she’s really asking.And it’s the same question that’s been attacking my brain ever since Dr. Swanson announced the news.
Jane’s wedding, I write. Most likely.
This pause is even longer.Finally, a text buzzes through.
Fuck.
“I’ve got to tell him.”
Fiona looks like she’d slap the biscotti out of my hand if a full coffee cup wasn’t in hers.“You can’t,” she says, voice grave.“It’ll crush him—he’s so excited.”
“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do here, Fi?”I glance around, remembering we’re in a crowded coffee shop.“I can’t let him go on thinking this kid is his if it’s…”I think of Silas. The last time I saw him.I see his face in my memory, fading from view as I shut the door on him again.
Fiona’s expression softens as she sips her coffee.“So…not to sound insensitive or anything, I’m just wondering…you’re definitely keeping it?”
I set my biscotti on my napkin, staring into my cappuccino foam.The barista drew a smiley face in it with cocoa.“I think so,” I tell her, glancing up through my hair.“It’s not that I’m against my…other options.They just don’t feel like the right choices.And they don’t feel easier.”
She nods sympathetically.“Well, I’m here for you,” she offers, and we smile at each other.“And if you want to tell Alex, I’ll support you.But I think you should get a paternity test first.To be
Holy shit.
I want to laugh at Fiona’s text, but tears hit my eyes instead. Tell me about it, I write back.A few seconds later, her questions start.
Is Alex freaking out?
I look over at him in the driver’s seat.He hasn’t stopped smiling since we left the hospital, politely declining my father’s many offers to spend the night at his house and celebrate together.
“What a day,” he’d said, when the hospital discharged me a half hour later and Alex told him the news.“I find out about my daughter and grandkid in the same evening.”He’d called me sweetheart again, given me a hug, and made me promise I’d call and email with updates as often as I could.Then, as if reading my mind, he said, “Don't go getting worked up over our paternity test; I'll set that up.We'll know before February.”
At first, after Dr. Swanson basically punched me in the face, I just sat there staring at the ID bracelet on my wrist, trying to grasp it. Pregnant .
Alex was quiet, too.When I looked up at him—after Dr. Swanson finally got the hint and left us alone to talk privately—I expected to see a comrade.A face just as frightened as mine.
Instead, he broke out into the biggest grin I’d ever seen.
“I—I just can’t believe it,” he said, laughing as he put his hands on my stomach.“This is insane.”
And now, thundering down the dark highway with the radio turned low, he’s still got the smile.I can practically hear him saying, “I can’t believe it,” over and over in his head. I can’t believe it,either, I wish I could tell him. But not in the way you can’t.
He’s ecstatic, I text back. Which is actually freaking me out even more.
There’s a long lull before Fiona’s response.The glow of my screen lights up the entire car, and I tilt the phone towards myself a little.Alex can’t see it, anyway, but it makes me feel safer all the same.
How far along?Like do you know when it happened?
I see what she’s really asking.And it’s the same question that’s been attacking my brain ever since Dr. Swanson announced the news.
Jane’s wedding, I write. Most likely.
This pause is even longer.Finally, a text buzzes through.
Fuck.
“I’ve got to tell him.”
Fiona looks like she’d slap the biscotti out of my hand if a full coffee cup wasn’t in hers.“You can’t,” she says, voice grave.“It’ll crush him—he’s so excited.”
“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do here, Fi?”I glance around, remembering we’re in a crowded coffee shop.“I can’t let him go on thinking this kid is his if it’s…”I think of Silas. The last time I saw him.I see his face in my memory, fading from view as I shut the door on him again.
Fiona’s expression softens as she sips her coffee.“So…not to sound insensitive or anything, I’m just wondering…you’re definitely keeping it?”
I set my biscotti on my napkin, staring into my cappuccino foam.The barista drew a smiley face in it with cocoa.“I think so,” I tell her, glancing up through my hair.“It’s not that I’m against my…other options.They just don’t feel like the right choices.And they don’t feel easier.”
She nods sympathetically.“Well, I’m here for you,” she offers, and we smile at each other.“And if you want to tell Alex, I’ll support you.But I think you should get a paternity test first.To be
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